


Muscle, Bone, & Blood

by wildimaginingsofhalfbakedideas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, M/M, Slow Build, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-02-07 14:03:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 48,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1901757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildimaginingsofhalfbakedideas/pseuds/wildimaginingsofhalfbakedideas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren was just a normal high school freshman. He had a best friend, a sister, a there-but-absent dad, and a massive crush on a senior boy. The most he had to worry about were his admittedly poor grades and basically trying to survive the next four years of his life. Until he suddenly grew monstrous wings that threatened to mark him as a freak, a science experiment. How could he pretend to be normal when he had to spend all day with his wings bound to his back and a secret burning the back of his throat?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snow and Bones

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. I'm so sorry. It just sort of...came to me. I apologize.
> 
> *This is un-beta'd and I'm sure there's going to be typos and other mistakes.*
> 
> Title from Muscle, Bone & Blood by Mia Doi Todd

Eren shifted in his seat, trying to ignore the strange discomfort between his shoulder blades that had plagued him all day. He knew that Mikasa would yell at him for staying up all night playing video games, but he didn’t really care. Maybe he should have been studying for the test that was staring up at him, mockingly, from his desk, but Attack on Titan was too addicting and his attention span for Latin American politics was far, far too short. Eren sighed heavily, causing a couple fellow test takers to glance up at him from their tests before quickly averting their eyes, lest they be accused of cheating. He read the first question. And reread it. The words refused to register in his brain and he soon found himself skipping to the next one in hopes that it would be easier. It wasn’t.

When the bell finally rung and signalled the end of the hour, Eren trudged up to the front of the class and dropped his (assuredly failed) test in front of Mr. Pixis, the well-meaning but eccentric teacher who would no doubt be disappointed in him once he actually read the half-assed, bullshit answers he had written. Eren tried to care about this, but failed miserably. He reached his hand up to rub his shoulder, wincing at the soreness there. He seriously needed to invest in a better computer chair.

“Hey, Eren!” Armin greeted him with his usual smile, his blond hair bouncing as he weaved through the crowd toward his friend. “How was the test?”

“It was fine,” Eren lied, shrugging. Seriously, maybe he should get some Advil or something.

“You didn’t study, did you?” It was less of a question and more of a resigned statement. Eren responded with a rueful smile and slung his arm over Armin’s shoulder, steering him toward the library. L.A. politics had been his last class of the day, so, since it was Tuesday, that meant he had a study session with Hanji. Hanji was even more eccentric than Mr. Pixis, and most days Eren believed that she was truly insane, but she knew her biology and Eren desperately needed the help. Armin had offered, but Eren had declined since he knew that he had way too much on his plate to tutor yet another student. Armin was already tutoring three other people in addition to keeping up with his full course load of AP courses – despite only being a freshman. Eren was pretty sure Armin would be eligible to graduate before junior year. As they walked through the double doors to the sad little library, a sudden, sharp squeal was the only warning Eren had before a body wrapped itself around him like an octopus, goggle-like glasses digging into the side of his face and arms squeezing his ribs so tightly he couldn’t draw a full breath.

“H-hanji, p-please, need…air…” “Oh!” She quickly let go and stepped back, grinning in that over-excited and slightly maniacal way of hers. “Sorry, didn’t mean to nearly kill you! I’m just so excited because we get to go over photosynthesis today!”

“Hoorah for photosynthesis,” Eren deadpanned. Armin shot him a sympathetic smile as he hastily made his way toward Jean, whom he was tutoring in math, before Hanji could ensnare him. Hanji didn’t even seem to notice, bouncing on the balls of her feet. She impatiently grabbed Eren’s wrist and hauled him over to the table where she already had her books laid out haphazardly. Levi, Hanji’s best friend, was already sitting at one end of the table, the area around him neat and untainted by Hanji’s chaos. He didn’t look up while Eren took his usual spot and Hanji _jumped_ into the chair next to him, nearly toppling it. She was already blabbering a mile a minute about plants and how _awesome_ they were for being able to turn sunlight into food and how _cool_ it would be if humans could do that. Eren did his best to ignore her. He pulled out his notebook and added it to the mess of papers and charts and books on the table. He wondered if the librarian would come over soon to hush Hanji, as he had to do often. Mr. Shadis was an unpleasant man who seemed entirely unsuited for the job. He didn’t seem to like any of his students and Eren wasn’t sure that the man had ever picked up a book in his life. But he demanded that students follow the rules, especially that of being quiet in the library. He constantly had dark circles around his eyes that made Eren wonder if part of the reason he insisted on quiet was that he was napping the back room to make up for lost sleep.

Mr. Shadis didn’t come over, however, and Eren had to endure Hanji’s exuberance over the miracle of plants. He tried to pay attention as she explained how plants used light energy, CO2, and water to make sugar, dutifully copying the formula for photosynthesis and parroting the information back to her when asked, but he knew that come morning all the information will have magically disappeared, as if it evaporated from his brain. He wished he had Armin’s intelligence, but he just wasn’t wired that way. Languages, however, those he could do. He spoke German, French, Spanish, and a little Japanese because languages were easy to learn and actually stuck to his brain rather than sliding off like water. He almost felt like he knew the words and the way they went together just before he was taught the vocabulary and the grammar. He considered it to be about his only talent, other than getting into fights.

As usual, Eren found himself getting distracted during his tutoring session. And, as usual, he found his attention drawn to the senior boy sitting at the other end of the table. Levi and Hanji had apparently known each other since middle school and she was one of the only people he tolerated. Which meant that Hanji was extremely special since Eren didn’t know many people who could tolerate her constant level of energy, her proclivity toward bear hugging everyone she knew as soon as she saw them, and her insufferable, endearing love of everything science. Not to mention her talking. She never stopped talking.

Levi was short, a good ten centimetres shorter than himself, with a permanent scowl and a generally apathetic attitude towards everyone and everything. He always looked vaguely pissed off, even when he was with his friends. Eren found himself wondering what Levi would look like if he wasn’t scowling. If he were surprised, would he widen his usually narrowed eyes, raise his eyebrows? Would he look younger that way? More innocent? Eren wanted to find a way to surprise him, just to find out. As he considered this, his treacherous teenage brain slipped into dangerous territory, and he began wondering what Levi would look like beneath him, or above him, mouth open, eyes glazed with pleasure, his back arching –

“Eren! Are you even listening to me?” Hanji’s sharp words cut through his fantasy and he dropped back into reality with a jolt. He realised, humiliatingly, that he had been staring at Levi. He whipped his head back to look at his notes, fighting the blush on his cheeks. Luckily Levi didn’t seem to have noticed, his head studiously lowered over his book. Eren cleared his throat.

“Sorry, Hanji. I guess I was daydreaming.” The slight frustration in her eyes faded immediately and her eyes took on a terrifying gleam.

“Daydreaming, huh? About what? Or should I say, about whom?” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively, looking far too gleefully at her pupil who had just been slacking off during a lesson. He tried clearing his throat again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just got distracted.” She was cackling now.

“Uh huh, you seemed awfully...distracted.” She leaned in close, her lips right by his ear. “By Levi.” Eren jerked away from her.

“What!? I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about, Hanji. Let’s just get back to talking about plants.” He angrily picked up his abandoned pencil and pulled his notebook closer to him, as if hoping it would shield him from Hanji’s insinuations.

“Okaaaay,” Hanji sang, bouncing in her seat. She had the excited air of a child who had found out a secret and who planned to use that secret against someone. Eren swallowed a despairing groan. There was no convincing Hanji that he hadn’t just been daydreaming about her best friend, partially because it was true, and partially because once she got a notion in her head she was like a dog with a bone; she didn’t let go. Thankfully though, she dropped the subject and returned to waxing poetic about the magnificence of all things vegetable. Eren thanked the gods for small mercies.

The rest of the afternoon passed without further embarrassment and four thirty finally rolled around just as Eren felt he had finally gotten some grasp of the material. It actually helped to be taught by someone who loved the subject as much as Hanji did. Armin always arranged to finish his tutoring sessions at the same time as Eren, so as soon as he had packed his bag Armin was by his side, waiting for him. They always walked home together, since they lived on the same street. Mikasa usually walked with them, but Tuesdays and Thursdays were her private lessons at the dojo with Annie, the best Muay Thai master for miles, possibly in the nation. It was the one thing Mikasa had for herself, and Eren was glad for it. Ever since they were kids, Mikasa had followed him around like a protective shadow. She always did whatever he wanted to do, never complaining, backing him up when he got into (numerous) fights. It wasn’t until Armin pointed out to him at the end of eight grade that Mikasa never did anything for herself that Eren started to feel guilty about it. He wasn’t sure if it was because Mikasa felt like she owed him or what, but he decided to try to convince her to find a hobby of her own. It had taken the entire summer between middle and high school to even get her to consider it, and it had taken a month after that for her to actually show an interest in anything. When Eren found her watching Annie fight through the window of the dojo while they took the long way back from school, he had forced her inside and signed her up on the spot. She tried to get him to sign up with her, but he insisted that this was supposed to be something for her to do on her own. She had understood and now she seemed much happier, following Eren around less, being less overbearing. Truthfully, at first Eren regretted his decision, missing his overbearing sister and her constant presence. He felt her loss acutely, like a missing limb, even if it was only twice a week. But both of them soon grew used to it and now, in early December, it was routine.

Eren and Armin stepped out into the cold, Eren waving good-bye to Hanji who grinned back and attached herself to Levi’s side. Levi merely huffed and shoved her off, rolling his eyes. Eren smiled at that, earning him a rude gesture when Levi spotted him. Eren just smiled wider, now used to Levi’s personality. Suddenly Armin grabbed his arm and gasped. Eren followed Armin’s pointing finger to the sky, where small white flakes were falling randomly, slowly. The first snowfall of winter. Eren grinned and tipped back his head, sticking his tongue out in a vain attempt to catch an icy flake. He didn’t notice Levi staring at him with an inscrutable expression while Hanji danced around him, whooping for joy at the sight of snow.

Armin laughed brightly beside him as they took their first steps away from the school, his eyes shining with joy and light heartedness. Eren joined him in laughing, enjoying the childish enthusiasm for new snow, looking forward to the walk home despite the cold. They soon fell to chatting about everything and nothing, they way only two people who knew everything there was to know about each other could. It was so peaceful that Eren forgot about the pain between his shoulders, which had been steadily worsening. It was after five o’clock when he finally stepped through his doorway after saying good-bye to Armin and he still had a small smile on his face as he walked up to his room. He had the house to himself until six thirty, so he decided to take advantage of the lack of nagging from Mikasa – his dad rarely cared what he did – and get on the computer to play AoT. It was an MMO in which players fought against giant titans who were plaguing the few remaining humans. They were massive, genderless monsters who had no need to eat, but devoured humans anyway. Apparently, if there are no humans around titans can survive indefinitely without food. Eren remembered Hanji’s musings from earlier and wondered if the titans could photosynthesise like plants. He dismissed the thought, doubting that the game makers had put so much thought into the monstrous antagonists.

Sharp pains in his back made him flinch, causing him to allow his character to be eaten by a stupid five meter class titan. He scrabbled to reach the spot, his fingertips just brushing where it hurt the most. Oddly, he felt a small lump there. He reached his other hand up to touch the other side, closer to his left shoulder blade, and discovered another small lump. He jumped up from his seat, dashing to the bathroom and tearing off his hoodie and t-shirt as he went. He twisted in front of the mirror, trying to see the lumps. “What the hell?” he breathed, his head turned at an unnatural angle to see his back in the mirror. It hurt to look so far out of the corners of his eyes, and his neck was straining with the effort, but he couldn’t look away. There, in the middle of his upper back, were two small growths, like tumours. Did he have cancer? Panic pooled in his stomach and he finally turned his face away from the mirror. He reached his hand back again, twisting his arm so that he could reach. The lumps were sensitive and sore, the skin an angry red. What was wrong with him?

The front door opened and closed downstairs. Light, sure footsteps on the stairs preceded the soft thump of a bag being dropped in a bedroom down the hall. Mikasa. Eren reacted instinctively, shutting the bathroom door and locking it, looking wildly around the room as if it would give him an answer to the situation. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was hiding from Mikasa, but he just knew he didn’t want her to see his back. He could tell himself that he just didn’t want her to worry, but he knew that he was mostly just afraid. Of what, he wasn’t sure, but he wanted to keep the mysterious new additions to his back a secret.


	2. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets his wings.

Eren took a deep breath to steady himself, gripping the edges of the counter tightly. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes wild. _It’s fine,_ he promised his second self. _It’s nothing._ A few more deep breaths and he actually started to believe what he was telling himself. It’s fine. It’s nothing. He pulled his t-shirt back on, his hoodie abandoned in the hallway, and cautiously opened the bathroom door. He could hear Mikasa’s music from her open door and he knew that she had started studying. Maybe he could make it to his room before she came looking for him.

                He should have known better than to hope. “Eren?” Mikasa poked her head out of her room just as he was tugging his retrieved sweatshirt over his head.

                “Yeah?” His voice was muffled by cotton.

                “How was tutoring?”

                “Fine.” He finished pulling the hoodie securely over his body, relying on its bulk to hide any tell-tale lumps. “You know Hanji.”

                Eren couldn’t see his sister’s face, but he knew her well enough to know that while her expression hadn’t changed, her eyes softened with amusement. She had met Hanji at Eren’s first tutoring session, opting to go late to her lesson in favour of getting to know (read: threaten) the woman with whom Eren would be spending his Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. She had reacted as well to Hanji’s personality as Levi usually seemed to, but she had approved, otherwise Eren would not have been allowed to receive tutoring from her.

                “You had a test today right?” Eren’s heart dropped. He had hoped she had forgotten.

                “Yeah...” he hedged, knowing that his tone would immediately give him away. “It, um, it was okay.”

                “Bullshit. You stayed up last night playing that game.” She had taken on what Eren called her mom-stance. He only called it that in his head of course, because her mom-stance was terrifying. It made him feel like he was five years old again, standing over a broken vase, guiltily awaiting punishment.

                “Um, I mean, I may have stayed up a little later than I should have, but –”

                Mikasa sighed, shaking her head. “Eren. Don’t be stupid. You could get decent grades if you just put in the effort. Don’t make me be the bad guy and have to yell at you all the time just to do the bare minimum.”

                “You’re never the bad guy,” Eren mumbled, wishing he could collapse in on himself and disappear. Guilt gnawed at his conscience. She was right, of course, and she was the only one who could make him care about trying in school. Any time he ever studied or did his homework was because of her. Already this year the only classes he was passing were French and, recently, biology.

                “How about this: you do your homework for the rest of this week and this weekend you, me, and Armin will play together, okay? We’ll spend all day eating junk food and being dorks.”

                Eren brightened immediately, grinning. “Awesome! I promise I’ll hold up my end of the deal.”

                “I know you will,” she responded simply, the corners of her lips lifting in a tiny smile. She turned and went back into her room, presumably to study, and Eren returned to his own room, spirits renewed. His clothing rubbed against the sore spots on his back, reminding him painfully that everything was not, indeed, perfect, but he did his best to put it out of his mind. Maybe if he ignored the problem, it would go away.

                Eren spent the next three hours huddled over his books, trying to work through the pile of work he had been assigned. It was slow work and when he couldn’t take one more paragraph, he slammed his books shut and flopped down onto his bed. On his back.

                “Fuck!” he yelled, forgetting himself. He slapped a hand over his mouth, rolling over so that he was on his stomach. He waited, immobile, for Mikasa to come check on him. When two minutes passed without hearing so much as a concerned shout, Eren let out his breath. The pain had grown unbearable in just the past few hours. Eren was seriously starting to get worried now, wondering if he would eventually have to go to the hospital. Oddly, the pain reminded him of his last growth spurt, when his legs had kept him awake in agony with growing pains. Except this twice as bad as that.

                He pushed himself to his feet, heading mechanically to the bathroom in search of pain reliever. He would honestly take anything at the moment. As he rummaged through the cabinet, he found a couple prescriptions for his father, some Neosporin, some band-aids, a thick roll of gauze, along with both Advil and Tylenol. He snatched the Tylenol at random, not knowing which one was better, and dry swallowed four of the little pills. He knew that it was twice the amount he was supposed to take, but landing on his back with his full weight had hurt so bad he’d felt nauseated. He would have to be careful not to roll over in his sleep tonight.

                While he was already in front of the sink, he went ahead and brushed his teeth, rinsed his face, and prepared for bed. It wasn’t even yet eleven o’clock, but it had been an exhausting, full day and he wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and dream of snow and titans and forget about unexplained lumps on his back.



                That night Eren dreamed of feathers, long and black, falling from the sky. They puddled at his feet, piling higher and higher until they reached his neck. Then he was drowning in them, the blue sky obscured by satiny black. They filled his mouth and covered his nose; he couldn’t breathe. He tried to swim to the surface, but every movement of his arms caused his back to scream in agony. He kicked and squirmed, trying to fight his way to the surface. The pain in his back mounted until he was screaming, his lungs filling with sharp quilled feathers, his throat going raw with effort.

                He awoke gasping, his back on fire. He hadn’t taken off his t-shirt and hoodie from earlier and they were kindling, they were hot coals against his skin. He ripped them off, biting his lip to prevent himself from crying out. He tasted blood. He sat at the edge of his bed, breathing hard, trying to figure out what to do. Should he wake up Mikasa and ask her to take him to the hospital? Should he wake his father and ask him to treat Eren himself? Before he could reach a decision, the pain slowly ebbed, leaving him feeling raw and empty. He was more exhausted than when he’d gone to bed. All at once Eren felt his body grow heavy, dragged to sleep without the intensity of pain keeping him awake. He resolved to tell Mikasa in the morning about what was going on with him. But until then, he would sleep.

                When Eren woke up the next morning, the sun was painfully bright, his curtains not quite closed against the offensive light. In the morning light than streamed through his window, last night felt like a dream. His back wasn’t hurting anymore. In fact, he felt great. He was starving and his stomach growled loudly. He wondered if he had imagined the whole thing. He reached a curious hand back to touch between his shoulder blades, searching for the lumps. His fingers paused, horror pooling like liquid nitrogen in his stomach, freezing his insides.

                Instead of feeling a smooth surface of skin over muscle and bone, or even twin, incongruous lumps, he felt something soft. He moved his hand farther, his fingers digging into the strange, soft warmth. Feathers. Feathers over thin muscle, supported by delicate bones. He quickly withdrew his hand and spun to rush yet again to the bathroom mirror. A loud crash and a dull pain interrupted his flight and alerted him to the fact that he had knocked his textbooks and keyboard from his desk. The problem with that was that he was halfway across the room already, much too far from the desk for him to have accidentally hit the items with his arm. It occurred to him that the pain hadn’t been in his arm anyway, but rather in an extra limb that he wasn’t previously aware of having. His eyes were drawn to the floor where, among the scattered textbooks, there lay littered black feathers, long and sleek.

                He slowly lifted his eyes to the wing that half lay on the ground behind him and to the left. His wing. Just as slowly, he turned his head to the right and saw another wing, equally black and long and _not supposed to be there_. He tried lifting them experimentally. The feathers rustled along the ground as they partially rose into the air, brushing the ceiling before most of the feathers had even stopped touching the carpet. They were huge. Each wing was one and half times his height, easily. He squeaked.

                “Eren? Are you okay?” Mikasa’s concerned voice came through the locked door muffled. “I heard a crash.”

                “Y-yeah,” his voice was weak and cracked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just dropped my books.”

                “Okay,” Mikasa still sounded worried. “Breakfast is downstairs when you’re ready.”

                “Yep.” Eren was still panicking. He couldn’t tell anyone he had grown _wings_ in the middle of the night; who would believe him? Even if he showed someone, they would want to know how it happened and why; they might want to take him to see a scientist or a doctor. They would run tests. He would be a freak. He was a freak. He had _wings._

                “Holy shit. I have wings. I have fucking wings. How the fuck do I have fucking _wings_?” He curled one wing in front of him to examine it further, watching in disgust as feathers dropped to the floor, the quills edged in red. They weren’t beautiful. The feathers were in disarray, tangled and filthy. They were coated in some strange, mucus-like substance which smelled terrible. He sneezed. His brain was struggling to catch up to the situation. He had wings, they had appeared overnight, they were disgusting, hideous things that took up most of his room. He had wings, they had appeared overnight, they were awful, monstrous atrocities that he could never hide in a million years. He hated his life, he hated himself, he hated his wings. Why did this have to happen to him? He was an ordinary high school freshman. Last week he had been worried about his best friend getting picked on by a group of juniors. A few days ago he had been worried about a pimple that appeared on his chin. Yesterday he had daydreamed about a senior boy he had a crush on. Last night he had worried about his grades. Today he was a freak with ugly wings, a science experiment waiting to happen. He wanted a different life.

                He needed a shower.

                Eren tucked his wings up against his body as tightly as he could, relieved to find that they had three joints, four if you included where the wings connected to his body, and could almost fit from his shoulders to his waist if he tried hard enough. The tips of the primaries stuck out over the tops of his shoulders and the joints of the longest section of wing folded over the top of his ass rather than at his waist, but it was less horrible than he expected. Maybe he could get away with hiding them after all. He wrapped his blanket around his shoulders, making sure that every feather was hidden beneath the cloth before he ventured into the hall. Mikasa was downstairs, he could hear her moving around in the kitchen, but he didn’t want to take the chance that she would walk up while he was en route to the shower, or worse, that his father had decided to go into the hospital late and would step out into the hall just as he was passing by.

                He made it to the bathroom safely, locking the door behind him and shedding the blanket. He stripped himself of his pants, turning the water as hot as it would go. In the shower, Eren made the mistake of relaxing his wing muscles, resulting in a shower full of feathers and much fumbling and cursing as water splashed everywhere and feathers flew every which way. When he finally got his wings under control, he channelled his anger into viciously washing them under the scalding water, ridding them of their mucus coating and, hopefully, their stench. He then turned his brutal attention onto his body, scrubbing his skin pink and stepping out of the shower as quickly as humanly possible.

                _Humanly possible?_ He snorted to himself. Was he even human anymore? He towelled himself off with as much gentleness as he had shown in the shower. Feathers were everywhere, on the floor, in the shower, stuck to the walls, in the sink. Eren groaned, folding his wings as tightly as he could while he gathered the offensive shed plumage, wishing fervently that he would wake up to find that it had all just been a dream.

                He once again found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror, this time holding a bouquet of feathers in his hand, more feathers sticking up absurdly over his shoulders. He suddenly remembered the roll of gauze in the cabinet, dropping the feathers into the sink before yanking open the cabinet and grabbing the roller bandage. It might work.

                He started high on his chest, just under his armpits. It was difficult to get the roll around his back and over his wings on his own, but he was determined. He pulled the bandages tight, securing the wings to his back so they couldn’t move. He used the whole roll, wrapping around and around his torso until the appendages where effectively immobile and hidden. Then he took the scissors that were in the cabinet, for cutting the gauze, and trimmed the feathers at his shoulders until they were invisible, ignoring the pain and welling blood that resulted when he cut too far down. Now the only problem was the joints that were down below his waist. Perhaps he could wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt, the loose clothing covering the bone. He couldn’t wear sweatpants the rest of his life, but they would do until he figured something else out.

                Another thought occurred to him: could he sit with his wings the way they were, near his butt? He closed the toilet seat and sat down experimentally. He couldn’t sit straight or lean back, but if he leaned forward a little, it was no problem. Ridiculously, a joke about his inability to sit straight came to his head, causing him to guffaw. It wasn’t even funny, but suddenly he was doubled over in silent laughter, tears falling from the corners of his eyes. The shock of everything, the panic and pain and fear, hit him like a train and he was soon gasping, hyperventilating. The air in the bathroom seemed too thin, deoxygenated, toxic. His lungs were filled with lead. His mouth was filled with cotton. It was too much. It was too much. He couldn’t breathe. He smelled eggs and toast from downstairs. He thought of Mikasa, of Armin, of Hanji. He thought of Levi. He could breathe. He could do this. He was a normal, human high school freshman. It’s fine. It’s nothing. Everything’s going to be okay.

                He was going to be late for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect updates as often as this, guys. This is a fluke. I'll try to update as often as possible, but I'm warning you right now that it's going to be sporadic and irregular. Sorry.


	3. Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's having a rough day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Here's another chapter. I might actually be updating more often than I thought; this story is demanding to be written.

Walking through the double doors felt like taking the final steps up to the gallows, all eyes on him, accusatory, pitying, angry, indifferent. Logically he knew that no one was looking at him, that the only people who had even noticed he was there were Mikasa and Armin, but he felt self-conscious and judged. He ducked his head and sped to his locker, Mikasa trailing behind him and Armin joining him halfway across the hall.

                After his panic attack that morning, he had thrown his blanket back over his shoulders and ran to his room to throw on his clothes before half-tossing himself down the stairs to the kitchen. He had shoved his wings from his mind as forcefully as possible, using the adrenaline from almost being late to cover his anxiety and hopefully distract Mikasa from the fact that he was obviously freaking out inside. She had still looked at him suspiciously when he slid into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of toast, shoving it in his mouth before shoving his feet in his shoes and slinging his bag over his shoulder. The bag had smacked against his bound wings and he winced, but he just complained through his toast that they were going to be late and she refrained from asking questions. The walk to school was a relatively quiet affair. It was just the two of them, since Armin usually went in early to tutor another student, Connie, and got a ride from his grandfather.

                Mikasa kept glancing at Eren from the corner of her eye, obviously suspecting that something was up. She spoke once, to ask him if he had done his homework, and he simply responded that he had and they continued in silence. It had snowed more overnight; everything was blanketed in soft white, lowering the volume of the world. It was a peaceful contrast to the whirlwind occurring in Eren’s brain. Could he get through a whole day without anyone suspecting anything? Mikasa was already suspicious, but that was just because she noticed everything, especially where Eren was concerned. He didn’t hope to keep this secret from her for long, but he didn’t know how to tell her. He definitely couldn’t just blurt it out on the way to school. He just sighed, watching his breath fog the air in front of his face. He would figure out how to tell her eventually.

                “Are you okay, Eren?” Armin asked when he saw him, raising a hand to put it on Eren’s shoulder. Eren flinched unconsciously, pulling away from the touch before Armin could feel the bulge beneath his sweatshirt. Armin’s eyes widened and he dropped his hand.

                “Sorry,” Eren said gruffly, opening his locker. “I’m fine. I just had a long night that’s all.”

                “Didn’t sleep?” Armin asked sympathetically. Eren just shook his head. “I have to go to class. I’ll see you later, yeah?” He still sounded worried. Eren did his best to smile at him. He promised again that he was fine and that he would see him later, waving at him as he looked over his shoulder on his way to his first class.

                Mikasa grabbed his arm. “You will tell me what’s going on after school.” Her tone allowed no room for argument and she turned and walked away, in the opposite direction as Armin had went, before Eren could respond. He sighed. He wanted to tell her, he really did. He just didn’t know how. It was going to be a thousand times worse than when he told her he was gay. At least then he had known her stance on homosexuality and that she wouldn’t judge him. It had just been his own reluctance to out himself that prevented him from telling her for weeks after he realised it himself. Now, this was an entirely new grey area he had no idea how to navigate.

                “Oi, Yaeger!” Eren groaned, letting his head fall against the cool metal of his locker door. Could his day get any worse? Fate was spitting on him.

                “I saw Mikasa was just with you. Did you ask her if she’s interested in giving me her number?” Jean asked, masking his excitement by leaning against the locker next to Eren’s, staring haughtily down at him. Eren slammed his locker shut.

                “No,” he replied shortly. He turned and tried to escape to class, but Jean grabbed his shoulder.

                “Hey, wait a minute,” he started, but Eren jerked out of his grip immediately, turning to face him. Jean never failed to get on his nerves, even when he wasn’t trying to get in his sister’s pants. And right now Eren was already on edge, ready to snap at the slightest provocation, which Jean eagerly provided.

                “Fuck off, Jean. I’m not in the mood today to listen to you salivate over my sister.” He ignored Jean’s loud protests that he “didn’t _salivate_ over anyone” and continued, “If you want her number so bad, go ask her yourself. She doesn’t like guys who aren’t even brave enough to talk to her on their own and she certainly has better taste than guys like _you_ so if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for class.” It took all of his self control to channel his anger into the rant and not into ramming his fist directly in Jean’s horsey face.

                He left Jean standing in the middle of the hallway, open mouthed, and stormed to class. He miraculously was only a minute late for class, so Mr. Zacharius let it slide. It took Eren a full ten minutes to calm down from his encounter with Jean, the adrenaline and anger surging through his veins as though readying for a fight. Maybe he was. Maybe he would feel better if he could just hit something ─ like Jean’s face for example. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so out of sorts and _wrong_ , like he had put on his pants backwards and his shoes were on the wrong feet. His wings itched against his back, and he couldn’t reach them to scratch, so he was left twitching in his seat for the remainder of the day. By lunch, he was past irritable and positively snappish to anyone who dared approach him. He felt like a wild, wounded animal, resisting help and defending himself against potential attacks.

                He was tempted to skip lunch, but his stomach betrayed him and he found himself sitting with Mikasa, Armin, and the usual crowd with a full tray in front of him. Everyone sensed his mood and left him alone as he shovelled food into his mouth. Damn he was hungry. He wondered if growing the wings had depleted him of energy and if he would continue to be this hungry as long as he had them. He ignored Mikasa and Armin’s concerned looks, pretending to be utterly engrossed in his – what was that? meatloaf? – lunch. When the bell signalled the end of lunch, he hurriedly tossed his tray and rushed to class, not even saying good-bye to his friends. He just wanted the day to be over as quickly as possible and he didn’t want to talk to anyone. In fact, he just wanted to dig himself a nice, dark hole and live in it for the rest of his life.

                Except that just as he rounded the corner, he smacked headfirst into something solid and alive. Eren stumbled backwards, one hand flying out to grab the wall, the other reaching forward to steady the person he had just almost knocked to the ground. Before he even got his bearing, apologies flowed from his mouth.

                “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? I wasn’t looking where I was going and – Levi?”

                Levi scowled up at him. “Yeah, brat, it’s me. Glad to know you _can_ see. God, are you always this clumsy?”

                Eren gaped. He quickly shut his mouth. “No. I mean, um, I’m not usually...I mean, I don’t always run into people in the hallway. It’s just...I mean...sorry,” he finished lamely.

                “Jeez, kid. That really hurt.” He was holding his head with one hand, which had collided with Eren’s chest. Eren started to apologize again, but Levi held up his other hand and stopped him. “Apologize again and I’ll punch you. Just be careful next time, shitty brat.” He shoved past Eren and disappeared down the hall. It was Eren’s turn to be left in the middle of the hall, staring open mouthed as Levi walked away.

                Eren finally gathered his wits enough to walk to class, his anger and irritation dislodged when he hit Levi. He felt off-balance and disappointed, though he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t meant to piss Levi off. In fact, he wanted more than anything for Levi to like him. It was depressingly fitting that he had managed to embarrass himself in front of his crush on the day that the rest of his life was also falling to shit. Eren let his head drop down to the desk, ignoring the world. The rest of the day passed in a blur of lectures and itchy wings until finally Mr. Pixis dismissed the class a couple minutes early, much to everyone’s excitement. Eren bolted from the room like it was on fire. He had survived. It was 2:30 and no one had noticed that he had giant ass wings trapped under his clothes. Eren laughed with relief, stepping out into the winter cold to wait for Mikasa and Armin. He shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped to the side of the crowd pouring from the double doors. Hanji burst free of the doors not a minute later, her excited squeals causing a few groups of students to stop their conversations and look at her in alarm. She just continued talking, dragging a surly Levi behind her. Erwin, who completed Levi and Hanji’s trio, trailed behind them, obviously trying to avoid receiving the same treatment as his shorter friend. Hanji noticed Eren mid-sentence and shouted a quick “Hi, Eren!” before continuing right where she left off. Eren shook his head, smiling in amusement. He waved back at her, not bothering to return the greeting vocally. Levi caught his eye, his stare intense, and Eren dropped his hand. Was he still angry about earlier? Eren had apologized, hadn’t he? Levi turned away and Eren watched his back as he walked away from him for the second time that day.

                Mikasa came out first, joining him as he leaned against a snowy tree and Eren finally looked away from the spot Levi had just occupied. He sighed, his body sagging as his breath was expelled in a long winded exhale. He just wanted to go home and sleep. The day had been too long, too stressful, and too _strange_ for him to want to be conscious a minute longer than necessary. The only upside was that he hadn’t seen Jean since their exchange this morning, which was a blessing from the heavens. If he had seen the horse-face one more time, Eren was sure he would have punched him, if only to alleviate his own frustration. He had expected Mikasa to immediately demand that he tell her what was wrong with him, but she just stood silently beside him, waiting for Armin. She probably assumed her earlier threat was enough and that he would tell her when they didn’t have an audience. Or maybe she was waiting for Armin, so that Eren could tell him too.

                But Eren suddenly realised that he couldn’t tell them. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust them; he trusted both of them with his life. He just couldn’t tell them about his wings. It was too ridiculous, too surreal. Besides, they were ugly, hideous things. He had avoided looking at them after his shower that morning, but he knew that after being roughly and tightly bandaged to his body all day, they would be worse for wear. Even if they could get past their hideousness, even if they told him that they didn’t care about his wings and that they loved him no matter what, Eren knew that they would privately think that he was a freak. A monster. He would see it in their eyes. They would treat him differently. They would become more protective, but they would also spend less time with him, coming up with excuses to keep away from a mutant like him. No. It was best just to keep this to himself. He could make up something else to tell Mikasa.

                When Armin finally arrived, looking winded but happy, Eren did his best to act normal. He smiled at Armin and offered to help him carry some of his books, half of which were piled in his arms because they wouldn’t all fit in his bag. Armin started to refuse, but Eren just grabbed half the stack and gave him a look that told him that Eren wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Armin smiled sheepishly and thanked him.

                “So what happened that made you look so happy?” Eren asked playfully, nudging him in the shoulder as they walked.

                Armin blushed. “What do you mean? I’m always happy.”

                “Yeah but you don’t usually blush when I ask you about it.” Armin’s blush deepened.

                “It’s just cold. The wind is making the blood rush to my face. I’m not blushing.”

                “Uh huh,” Eren said disbelievingly. “So who is she?” Armin squeaked and began to stammer. He nearly slipped on a patch of ice, but Mikasa caught his arm and steadied him. Armin  thanked her and straightened his back, aiming for a dignified posture.

                “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eren,” he insisted, his tone formal. “I just had a good day that’s all.” At least one of them had had a good day. Eren laughed at him to let him know that he didn’t believe him for a second, but he dropped the subject and Armin eventually relaxed. The conversation drifted to schoolwork and then to their plans for the weekend.

                “I’ll bring the chips and soda if you’ll bake cookies,” Armin said. Eren rolled his eyes. Armin was addicted to his cookies, saying that he didn’t know anyone else who could bake cookies from scratch like him. Eren didn’t mind baking; it reminded him of his mother. In fact, it was her recipe that he used whenever he made the chocolate chip cookies Armin loved so much. It made him happy that she could still make people happy like that, even if it was through him.

                “Sure,” he agreed quickly. “We need to go shopping before Saturday then, Mikasa. We don’t have all the ingredients.” Mikasa responded with a noncommittal grunt, nodding her head once. Mikasa didn’t usually contribute much to the conversation on their walks home, but neither of them minded. She was quiet, but she always gave good advice when they asked for it and she always seemed content just to listen.

                “I’ll see you guys later!” Armin called as they walked up their driveway, leaving Armin to walk the last bit on his own. He only lived a few houses down and, despite the fact that bullies had followed him home once in middle school, he insisted that the distance was far too short to warrant Eren and Mikasa following him just to have to turn around and walk back to their house.

                Eren and Mikasa waved back at him and went inside, Eren trying to slip up the stairs before Mikasa caught him and reminded him of his promise. He still hadn’t thought of an adequate lie to tell her and he was a terrible liar even when he was prepared. She would dissect him. But before he so much as took one step toward freedom, Mikasa’s voice glued him to the floor.

                “Eren.” He winced. She didn’t even say anything, just his name, and it was enough to make his stomach take a dive to his toes.

                “Yeah?” He played stupid.

                She didn’t buy it. She stood with her hands on her hips, expectant. He could see her out of the corner of his eye. Slowly, he turned to face her, trying not to look guilty. She had her mom-face on again. He gulped.

                “Um, yeah...I was just in a bad mood earlier because I didn’t sleep well and I, uh, I hurt my arm hitting my desk this morning and...uh, I’m really upset that I failed that test yesterday and I, uh, I’ve been losing a lot on AoT. And, uh, it’s Wednesday and Wednesdays are never good days, you know?” He was rambling.

                “You failed the test? I knew you hadn’t done well but you didn’t tell me you _failed_ it.”

                “Oh.” Shit. “Um, yeah. Sorry.” He edged toward the steps. “It won’t happen again. In fact, I’m going to go study right now.” His hand was on the banister. She was still staring at him with a mix of accusation and concern and she looked ready to scold him. His foot was on the bottom step. “I’ll just...go then,” he said before she could open her mouth. He fled.

                Once in his room, he leaned against the door and sighed in relief. That could have gone better. But Mikasa didn’t follow him up the stairs and he hoped that meant that she had believed him. At least he knew that she didn’t suspect him of having wings. He dropped his bag heavily on the floor and peeled off his sweatshirt. His wings were aching from being tied down all day. He removed his t-shirt and set to work unravelling the bandages around his torso. He groaned in relief as his sore muscles relaxed, his wings falling to the floor in a rustle of feathers. He wished he could spread his wings out all the way, but they were too long. From tip to tip they were at least three times his height. Truthfully, it was amazing that they folded the way they did.

                He pulled one wing into his arms to examine it. Despite their cleaning, they were still a mess. The feathers were bent and, in a lot of places, broken. Some were barely hanging on, stuffed as they had been beneath layers of bandage. The tips of the wings were crusted red from where he had cut them haphazardly with the scissors. At least the wings no longer smelled like the wet cave of a hibernating animal. He dropped the wing in disgust, wondering if he could survive the pain of cutting them off. He thought of soldiers in the American Civil war who had had legs and arms amputated without anaesthesia, just bone saws hacking over the sound of agonized screaming. He shuddered. Maybe not.

                Eren figured out that if he folded one wing and stood in the corner of the room, he could stretch one wing at a time, the tip of the wing touching the ceiling of the diagonal corner. The muscles felt weak and new, like a newborn’s limbs, and they shuddered with the effort of holding themselves upright even for a minute. Eren’s disgust grew. What was the point of having the damn things if they didn’t even work? He hadn’t really thought about the fact that he could potentially use the wings to actually, you know, _fly_ but now that he knew how weak they were it was pathetic.

                After folding his wings back, loosely, he collapsed onto his stomach on his bed. He was tired. He was tired of his wings, of lying to Mikasa, of hiding from everyone, of thinking. He just wanted to sleep. He pulled his pillow under his head and closed his eyes. He remembered that his shoes were still on, but he didn’t care enough to move. Music floated into his room from down the hall. Unlike him, Mikasa actually cared about studying. She wasn’t quite as naturally astrophysicist-intelligent as Armin, but she was a hell of a lot smarter than Eren, plus she did the work. She never played the same type of music twice in a row. Some days it was classical, some days it was rap, sometimes it wasn’t even English. Eren liked those days, especially the German stuff, but he had never asked her the names of the bands. His mind drifted and he was too tired to rein in his rampant thoughts. He thought of birds. They were beautiful, free to go anywhere they wanted. Their wings were tools, they were keys to a world of possibilities. The sky was more than a blue backdrop to their lives; it was an ocean in which to swim. He thought of the ocean. Blue water pushing and pulling the shore, an endless mass filled to the brim with life. His mother told him about the ocean once, though he had never seen it. Armin had brought over a book about the world once, and together they had poured over it, only six years old, dreaming of a day when they would travel the world. They had wanted to see it all, the deserts, the oceans, the ice lands. It seemed like so long ago now, but the yearning was still there. There was a word for that yearning. Eren tried to remember.

                He felt a buzzing against his leg. He groaned, reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone. The bright light hurt his eyes and he buried his head in his pillow while he unlocked the screen blindly. He hazarded a peek with one eye, opening the text message.

[TEXT FROM: HANJI] HI EREN

                Eren closed his eye, dropping his hand down onto the mattress. After a moment, and with a put-upon sigh, he sat up to reply.

[TEXT TO: HANJI] hey hanji

[TEXT FROM: HANJI] YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE ME FOR THIS!!!

[TEXT TO: HANJI] i am?

[TEXT FROM: HANJI] INSTEAD OF MEETING AT THE LIBRARY TOMORROW WANNA COME TO MY HOUSE???

[TEXT TO: HANJI] um sure? can i ask why?

[TEXT TO: HANJI] wait do i want 2 know?

[TEXT FROM: HANJI] YOU’LL SEEEEEEEEEEEE

                Eren clicked his phone off, dropping it on his bed. He felt like he had a headache just from reading Hanji’s texts. She always wrote in caps lock and she always used too much punctuation. Then again, she lived her life in a perpetual exclamation mark so it made sense. It was very...Hanji.

                Eren resumed his laying and thinking, wondering what on earth had prompted Hanji to invite him over to her house. Maybe she wanted to do an experiment. Maybe that experiment would be on him. The thought sent a thrill of fear down his spine and he suddenly did not want to go. He could text her tomorrow and tell her he was sick. He could skip school. He could spread his useless wings and fly away, travelling to all those places he read about as a kid.         

Wandertrieb, or wanderlust, that was the word. It was German.

He slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your comments. I kind of assumed that no one would even read this, let alone like it. 
> 
> Ereri is going to be a slow build, but it's going to be very sweet and I hope you all enjoy it :)


	4. Fallen Feathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji may actually be insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters just keep getting gradually longer...I don't know what's happening.  
> By chapter five I'll have written a novel.

“Eren.” There was a loud knocking at the door. Eren groaned, pulling his pillow over his head. The knock came again, louder. “Eren!”

He groaned, audibly enough that he hoped whoever was disturbing his sleep would hear it and leave him alone. The doorknob rattled as someone tried to open the door forcefully.

“We’re going to be late for school, get your lazy ass out of bed. I’ve been trying to wake you up for half an hour. I will break the door down if I have to.”

Right. Mikasa. School. He rolled to his side, but discovered that it was extremely uncomfortable for some reason. He had landed on his wing, rumpling the feathers under him even more. He pushed himself to a sitting position and pulled his wing in front of him. He tried to straighten out the feathers as best he could, since it would probably be easier to bind them if they weren’t falling apart already. Spots of blood littered his sheets and speckled his wings from where feathers had been ripped out in the night by his tossing and turning. He vaguely remembered the dream he was having just before he awoke. There was someone watching him from the ground as he flew, his wings beating the air strongly. The sun was bright and he couldn’t see the person below well enough to tell who he was, but he looked familiar. Eren had felt good in the dream – better than good. His wings were no longer a hindrance, but something admirable and freeing. The last dregs of the dream made the darkness of his room and the unsightliness of the wings in his hands all the more pitiful. Eren tossed his wing roughly to the side, too upset and disgusted to continue caring for it.

He glanced at time on his phone. Mikasa was right; it was late, really late. He wouldn’t have time to shower so he quickly jumped up and grabbed the discarded bandage from the floor and began wrapping his wings. He wasn’t as careful or thorough today, his movements made frantic by the fact that he only had ten minutes to get out the door. His stomach growled obstinately and he hoped he would have time to grab something to eat on his way past the kitchen.

His wings wrapped, he paused in front of his closet. He could wear sweatpants again, but he was afraid someone might comment on it. He had worn jeans every day since the start of school and surely Armin or Mikasa would notice. Then again, he _was_ running late. He decided he was giving it too much thought and threw on a clean pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. If anyone had a problem with it, he could just tell them to fuck off.

He grabbed his bag, still unpacked from yesterday, and took the stairs two at a time, jumping the last four. He dashed to the kitchen, squeezing past Mikasa in the doorway, and pawed through the cabinet. Ah, yes. A granola bar. He grabbed a second one after a moment’s thought and stuffed them both in his sweatshirt pocket. Mikasa was ready and waiting for him in front of the door, her usual indifferent expression marred slightly by an annoyed look in her eye. He apologized quickly and shoved his feet in his shoes. They walked out together and Mikasa locked the door behind them.

It was a dismal day. The sky was suffocated by dark, heavy clouds. Mikasa walked quickly and Eren had to half-jog to keep up with her, eating both granola bars in a total of four bites (his personal record). When they were halfway to school, he suddenly remembered that he hadn’t done a single page of homework last night and that his deal with Mikasa banked on him doing all of it for the entire week. He resolved to do it secretly throughout the day, a few paragraphs in biology, a couple pages in algebra, no problem. He actually felt better today, less anxious and twitchy. His wings were already cramped and he was pretty sure a bit of bandage was twisted, but after surviving yesterday, he confident that he could do it again. All he had to do was act normal.

“Hey, Eren!” Armin greeted him in his usual cheery way. It never ceased to amaze Eren how happy Armin could be first thing in the morning. Eren was never more than civil before ten o’clock, and more often than not he was grumpy and barely sociable. Perhaps he should try drinking coffee.

“Hey, Armin.” Eren smiled at his friend as genuinely as he could and was surprised to find that it came easily. He was happy to see him. The shock of having wings had faded somewhat so that they were nothing more than an uncomfortable burden. Being at school and walking to his locker with Armin and Mikasa, whose lockers were in the same row, felt like the most normal thing in the world. He had never before appreciated the mundaneness of variably awake students milling through bland uniform hallways on their way to class. The chatter of teenagers greeting each other and exchanging gossip filled the narrow space and was just so utterly _human_ and normal that Eren felt his spirits lift just as he felt a million miles away. He was looking through a layer of glass which grew thicker every day, stained red with bloody feathers.  

His classes passed much faster today than yesterday as well. He had no problems getting his homework done during the day and lunch came before he even realized the day was half over. Connie smiled at him when he sat at their usual table and Sasha playfully stole his baked potato (he assumed it was meant to be friendly; she didn’t give it back). There was no need to apologize for his surliness the other day; it wasn’t exactly unusual for him to be moody and angry for no reason. They had accepted this about him a long time ago and it no longer fazed them. The normalcy of it all, even Jean at the other end of the table alternately glaring daggers at him and pretending that he didn’t exist, was comforting.

But of course, all good things do not last. When he stood up to go dump his tray, he saw the edge of his bandage fall beneath the hem of his sweatshirt and felt his wings loosen against his back. Shit. He should have been more careful this morning. He grabbed the edge of the bandage and shoved it into the waist of his pants. He glanced around to make sure no one had noticed. Everyone was going about their business as usual, not sparing him a second glance, so he allowed himself a sigh of relief. All he had to do was slip into the bathroom and fix the bandage. No big deal. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth, a trick Armin had taught him for calming down. It was meant to help him control his “anger issues” but it worked well enough in this situation as well. The extra oxygen in his brain made the anxious knot in his belly loosen until he was able to calmly walk out of the cafeteria with everyone else.

After everyone had split into different hallways to go to their respective classrooms, Eren ducked into the nearest toilet and locked himself in an empty stall. He was probably going to be late for class, but it was Drawing I with Rheinberger and he didn’t think she really cared all that much. He pulled off his sweatshirt, dislodging the bandages even more, and draped it over his bag, which he had dropped on the floor. He had forgotten a t-shirt this morning, so he only had one layer to worry about before he could reach the bandages. Not wanting his wings to touch the undoubtedly filthy floor, or worse, the toilet, he made sure to hold his wings tight against his body while he unwound the bandage.

It was difficult work. The stall was small and didn’t allow him much room to bend his elbows to the side in order to wrap the bandage around his back. Exerting his wing muscles, fighting the small space, and trying to get the long bandage to cooperate soon left Eren sweating and cursing under his breath. He eventually stopped trying to avoid letting the bandage touch the floor and dropped the pile onto the ground, holding on to the end, and just pulled it up from the ground, straightening it as he went. It was worse than untangling Christmas lights.

When he finally got himself in order, he tugged his sweatshirt back over his head and grabbed his bag. He went to the sink out of habit and washed his hands. His face was slightly pink from exertion and his hair was in disarray, not that it was usually very neat. He rinsed his face and blindly reached for a paper towel. From behind him he heard a toilet flushing and he rushed to leave before whoever he was could step out of the stall and see him. His paranoia was back and he could feel the cold sweat under his arms. Had someone seen the bandages? What would they think? He sped down the hall to class, slipping in and seating himself in his usual seat in the back of the room. Ms. Rheinberger barely gave him a second glance. He opened his sketch book with shaky hands and pretended to draw, when all he was really doing was sneaking glances at the clock, waiting for the day to be over and he could go home.

Except he wasn’t going home right after school. Hanji had invited him over to her house to study. He dropped his head to his desk, wondering if he should try stabbing himself with his pencil and tell Hanji that he just couldn’t make it because he had lead poisoning. Ms. Rheinberger chose that moment to walk by and when she saw that he not only had a blank sheet of paper in front of him, but also appeared to be sleeping on his desk, she smacked the edge of the desk with a ruler she picked up from the back counter, making him jump and stare up at her in fear and confusion. She said nothing; she just gave him a pointed glare and pushed his sketchbook closer to him. She had one of those stern faces that could speak louder than her voice ever could. ‘Get to work,’ her face said. ‘Don’t make me come over here again.’

Reluctantly, Eren picked up his pencil and doodled for the rest of the hour. Forty minutes and several pages of feather and wing sketches later, he was finally able to escape to biology. Ha, escape to biology. What was the saying? Out of the frying pan and into the fire? Eren pictured himself hopping around on a pan, his wings melting in the heat, before he took a desperate leap into the flames below. He knew it was a bit dramatic, but the thought amused him and he didn’t feel as trapped when he walked into bio and sat down at a stool. Hanji was in the back of the room, feeding her tadpoles. Seniors had a year-long project to work on and Hanji had decided on tadpoles. That meant that she had to come into the room regularly to feed them, change their water, and measure whatever it was she was measuring for her experiment. It made Eren feel a little uncomfortable that she was experimenting on live animals, but she had assured him that they were perfectly safe.

Hanji didn’t notice him come in, since she was too absorbed in talking to the tadpoles in that high-pitched voice people use when talking to babies and cute animals. A few of Eren’s classmates gave Hanji a strange look, but most of them ignored her. Seeing her in a lab coat with her goggle-glasses and an excited gleam in her eye made Eren especially nervous, remembering his fear of walking into her house to find a lab set up to run tests on _him_. He shuddered at the thought and pulled out his bio notes. Surely he was over reacting. Hanji was crazy, but she wasn’t _that_ crazy. She was just...passionate. He would be fine. Besides, if it really was that bad he could just leave.

“Oh, Eren! I didn’t see you come in! How are you?” Hanji was suddenly right next to him, practically yelling in his ear.

“Hey, Hanji. You don’t need to yell.”

“Right, sorry,” she lowered her voice slightly. “I’m leaving school early today, since I have senior study last period and I usually leave before last period anyway. I’ll text you my address. Oh! I forgot to tell you, Levi’s going to be there. Is that okay?” She added the last bit casually, as if it had honestly just occurred to her, but her eyes gave her away. She looked like a stereotypical evil villain, if only she had a thin moustache to twirl. Eren stared at her, wide-eyed.

“Um, yeah, that’s fine. I’ll see you then.” He was proud of how his voice barely cracked. Hanji beamed and bounced away, singing something about sitting in trees under her breath. Eren took a deep breath and tried to focus as the teacher called the class to attention. She was going over the same things he had just learned with Hanji on Tuesday and he soon found himself tapping his pencil against the desk in an impatient rhythm. He just had to make it through two more hours, less actually, and then he would be spending the afternoon with Hanji and Levi. When had he gone from dreading the afternoon to being excited for it?

The last bell did not come fast enough. When he was finally free, he pushed through the crowd to get to the front doors, eager to leave the building – and get to Hanji’s. At the last second he remembered that he hadn’t told Armin about going to Hanji’s, so he turned around and fought the crowd a second time, swimming upstream this time. Eren looked around the mostly empty library; Armin wasn’t there yet, so Eren decided he would just have to text him. Except that Jean spotted him first.

“Oi, Yaeger. Where are you going?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going to Hanji’s place to study. Actually, if you could tell Armin that when he gets here, that would be great.”

“To study, huh?” Jean winked at him, his expression and his insinuation lewd. “I bet.”

Eren rolled his eyes so hard he thought they might fall out of his head. “Hanji’s just my tutor, Jean. So fuck off.”

“I don’t know. Tutors can turn into so much more, don’t you think?”

Eren knew Jean was just saying it to get a rise out of him, but he couldn’t stop the image of Jean sliding his hand into Armin’s hair, pushing Armin down onto a desk, sending papers fluttering to the ground, Jean’s horsey face hovering over him, eyes glazed with lust. Eugh.  Eren must have made a face because Jean laughed, cackled actually, and Eren didn’t think, he just punched him in the face. Jean staggered, holding his jaw, shocked. Jean recovered himself and launched at Eren, returning the punch. But Eren had anticipated his move and he blocked the punch, using his other arm to drive his fist into Jean’s stomach. All of Eren’s anger and frustration and confusion poured out through his fists. He received a knee to his stomach in return for the second punch and he doubled over. Jean shot him an uppercut to the face. Now it was Eren’s turn to stagger back, his rage keeping him upright.

Suddenly a blond head was between them and Armin’s hand was on his chest. “Stop it you two. I don’t care what you’re fighting about this time, you’re going to get in trouble if Shadis comes out and sees you, so stop.” He pushed against both their chests when he finished, emphasizing his words.

Eren dropped his fists. On the other side of Armin he saw Jean do the same. They glared at each other but knew Armin was right. Besides, even if they didn’t care about getting caught, once Armin told either one of them to stop and cool off, they always did. Armin was the ultimate diffuser between the two of them. Mikasa could stop a fight, but she usually did it by throwing Eren over her shoulder and walking away. It was embarrassing, to say the least, and he much preferred Armin’s method.

“Sorry, Armin,” Jean apologized.

“Yeah me too,” Eren agreed. “I just came in here to tell you that I’m going to Hanji’s place to study today, so I won’t be here to walk home with you. Will you be okay?”

“You’re going to her house?” He raised his eyebrows. “That’s new. And yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“I can give you a ride home,” Jean offered, shocking both of them. Jean was sixteen already, having been kept back a year somewhere along the line. His parents had given him their old beat up minivan when they bought a new car and he used it to haul his friends around to parties and wherever else they needed to go.

“Thank you! That would be awesome,” Armin replied, grinning earnestly. Eren scowled. He didn’t want Armin around that bastard any longer than necessary, but he also didn’t want Armin to have to walk home alone so he kept his mouth shut.

“Okay, well. I guess I’ll see you later, Armin,” Eren said. He walked out of the building alone and started the short walk to Hanji’s house. The address she had texted him was only a few blocks away, almost the same distance to his own house except in the opposite direction. The clouds were still dark and ominous, pregnant with snow and threatening to storm any minute. He hoped he wouldn’t be caught in it before he reached Hanji’s.

He stopped in front of a moderate sized stone house, the door painted an innocuous green, the driveway and front walk cleared neatly of snow. Eren wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, maybe something out of a classic horror movie. A mad scientist’s lab made of black stone and towers, green smoke coming from the window. Hanji’s house was just so...ordinary. He checked his phone again to make sure he had the right place. He did.

He rang the doorbell cautiously. He heard shuffling inside and Levi’s angry voice. He was yelling at Hanji about something. There was more scuffling and an exasperated sigh before the door was yanked open in front of him. Eren gaped. Levi was standing there, a white handkerchief over his face, pulled down under his chin for the moment, and another over his hair. He looked...adorable.

“What are you staring at, brat? Come in. You’re letting the cold air in.” Eren closed his mouth with effort and stepped through the doorway. The outside of the house may have looked normal, but inside he was relieved, and terrified, to find that it was definitely where Hanji lived and breathed and...blew things up. The living room was covered in some kind of goo and the walls were scorched. Grey ash covered the furniture and carpet, piling on the windowsills and staining the ceiling. He noticed that Levi also had on an apron and was holding a rag in one hand. He was already back to trying to wipe the mystery goo off the coffee table.

“Eren! You made it! I was worried it would start snowing and you would have been stuck someplace along the way but here you are!” She noticed he was still staring around the room in horror and amazement. “An experiment I was doing didn’t exactly go as planned,” she laughed. “But that’s why Levi is the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. He’s helping me clean it up.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘helping’ since I’m the one doing all the work,” Levi griped, his voice muffled slightly by the cotton over his face. He swept more goo into the bucket with the rag.

“Right! You don’t mind helping Levi do you, Eren? Excellent.” She shoved a brush and dustpan into his hands before he could protest. Eren just stared at the items in bewilderment, as if he didn’t know how to use them. He wasn’t quite sure what he had just gotten himself into.

“Oi, kid, start over there,” he pointed to the wall with the windows, where the most ash was piled up. “When you’re done with that find the vacuum and start on the couches.”

Eren obediently went to the windowsills and began sweeping the ash into the pan. There was a ton of it. He tried brushing it from the curtains, but it just seemed to make it worse so he stopped and went to empty the dustpan in the bin. He found the vacuum in the hall closet and came back into living room to begin cleaning the couches. Levi had finished the coffee table by the time he plugged in the machine and Hanji had actually made herself useful wiping the walls with more rags.

An hour and a half later, the room looked less like a disaster area and more like a place where people would come to sit and watch the TV that sat in the corner, miraculously unbroken and newly cleaned by Levi. Eren dropped onto the couch in a puff of ash and groaned. He had worked up a sweat trying to get the ash off the ceiling and the moisture under his wings made his back itch. His muscles felt sore, unfamiliar with this kind of movement and strain. He really just wanted to go home and shower and play AoT until he passed out in front of the screen.

“Great! Now we can actually start studying!” Hanji plopped on the couch beside him, sending up another cloud of ash. Eren had almost forgotten the actual purpose of his being there.

“Do I want to ask what kind of experiment you were doing before you tried to destroy your house?”

Hanji laughed boisterously, slapping him on the back and making him stiffen. She didn’t seem to have noticed the bulge from his wings, but the fact that he had grown lapse enough to allow her to touch his back made his paranoia come back with a vengeance. “I was just mixing a few chemicals, you know, trying to find out if – “

“You know what, I was right. I don’t want to know.” Hanji deflated and pouted at him, but didn’t try to explain farther. She just got up to get her notes, grumbling about people not appreciating the beauty of science, leaving Eren alone with Levi. Eren shifted in his seat. He couldn't help but feel like Hanji left the two of them alone on purpose.

“So...” he started, not really knowing what to say to break the awkward silence that had fallen in Hanji's absence. “You have to clean up after Hanji a lot?”

Levi snorted. He was seated on a chair he had dragged in from the dining room, not wanting to sit on ash-soaked furniture. He had removed his handkerchiefs and apron, returning him to normal. “All the goddamn time. Shitty glasses over there is certifiably insane.”

Eren laughed. He had often thought the same thing, but coming from Levi it sounded oddly affectionate, though he doubted Levi would ever admit it. Eren couldn’t help but think that it was a little cute that Levi and Hanji were friends. They were polar opposites. But that seemed to be why they worked. Levi was solid ground and Hanji was the wind, blowing in all different directions at once. It reminded him of how he and his friends were, all different parts of one whole.

“What are you smiling at, shitty brat?” Levi demanded. Eren realised he had been staring at Levi with a fond smile on his face and he immediately dropped his head, but his smile only grew. Levi only huffed and flicked the TV on. Eren was still smiling when Hanji came back, her arms full of notebooks and loose papers for them to study from.  

Half way through learning cellular respiration, he heard something on the news channel that Levi was flicking past that made him shout for Levi to go back. Levi looked at him in surprise but turned it back to the news station. The newscaster was talking about an incident that happened only a few miles away from the school, at the local park. Eren paused in the middle of writing a formula and stared at the screen. His heart stopped. The newscaster at the scene was talking about how animal control, as well as federal agents, had been brought in after a dog walker called 911. But Eren didn’t hear what the reporter was saying because all around him, on the ground, were long, dark feathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that I don't actually think Jean is an asshole, I just think that their relationship is antagonistic and he loves to get under Eren's skin. Also, Erwin is like, non-existent in this fic, sorry. I'll try to add him more later, but really I'm focusing on Levi and Hanji's friendship because it's my favourite.


	5. Unanswered Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes to Hanji's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really struggling with this chapter for some reason, which is why it took longer than the others.
> 
> (Btw, I may be in love with the idea of Eren being a surprisingly good chef/baker.)

“We are at the scene right now, but the animal – which is as yet unidentified – has already been removed from sight. Witnesses say they saw large wings, but were unable to see any other identifying features. The federal agents on the scene have refused to comment on the nature of the animal, assuring us that ‘there is no danger’ and ‘everyone is safe’. We will keep you updated with the developments.”

Eren barely registered the words that were being said. All he could hear was the roar of his own blood in his ears and the heavy thudding of his heart. He tried to convince himself that it wasn’t what he thought it was. After all, he hadn’t even seen the “animal” they were talking about. But the feathers were too long, too familiar. And federal agents wouldn’t have been brought in for anything so mundane as a large bird, even if it was frightening park-goers. Was there another person out there like him? Could that person have answers about what was happening to him? Except they had been taken by the government. What were they going to do to them? Eren had thought about the possibility of government scientists locking him up, experimenting on him, but seeing this report made the fear so much more real. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. The room was too small, the walls shrinking in. He was acutely aware of every feather, every bone, every muscle in his wings. He could feel his heart pounding, thick red liquid rushing through its normal route with the addition of two new limbs that were too heavy, a burden on his cardiovascular system.

“Weird,” muttered Levi. He sounded miles away.

“I wonder what it is! Look at those feathers on the ground! They’re _huge_! Oh I wish they would let us see it. Do you think we could run over there right now and try to get a look?”

“Don’t be stupid, shit specs. The park is probably crawling with feds by now. Besides, it’s starting to snow and I’ll be damned if I’m going out in that disgusting slush just to see a damn animal.”

“Aw, come on, Levi,” she whined. “Please please please! For me? I’ll let you clean my room. I know how you hate walking in there, with my papers everywhere, beakers on the floor, and my _closet_.” Levi shuddered, but didn’t rise to the bait.

“I said no.” He turned back to the screen and studiously ignored Hanji’s continued efforts to change his mind. Eren tried to focus on their back-and-forth, but the edges of his vision had started going dark and he realised, in an absent kind of way, that he was going to pass out. He attempted to stand, to get away from the television and the reporter that had come back on screen to reiterate everything he had just said before the commercials. It was a foolish thing to do. The last thing he was aware of was Hanji reaching out to grab him and Levi shouting his name as he fell to the floor.

The first thing he was aware of when he woke up was the pain in his head. Had someone punched him? He groaned and groggily opened his eyes, which led him to the second thing he was, very suddenly, aware of. Levi’s face hovered over his, his eyes full of concern. It was the closest Eren had ever been to Levi and he found himself memorizing the details. Levi’s eyelashes, the permanent furrow between his eyebrows, the curve of his nose, the shape of his lips. He forgot about the pain in his head. He didn’t care what had happened to make Levi come this close to him, he was just glad it happened.

“Are you alright?” Levi’s voice was low, edged with the same concern that was in his eyes. Was he alright? He’d never been better. He was just lying on the floor, staring up at the most gorgeous boy he had ever seen and – wait, why was he on the floor? He tried to think back. The news, the feathers. He had passed out. Eren squeezed his eyes shut and focused on breathing. Damn his life, damn everything. He tried to sit up but Levi pushed him back down and sternly told him not to move. Eren’s eyes snapped open and he obeyed immediately. He desperately forbade his mind from thinking obtrusive, inappropriate thoughts of another circumstance in which he would want Levi to push him onto the floor and say those words.

Hanji came back into the room, holding dripping washcloths in both hands. She knelt next to Eren’s head and placed one under his neck, another over his throat, and a third on his head. They were cold and Eren shivered. Immediately a blanket was placed over his body. It was strange being cared for like this, but Eren couldn’t really say he minded. Part of him wanted to refuse to be babied, to say that he was fine and just jump up and leave, but a larger part of him enjoyed having Levi (and Hanji, of course) fuss over him. Plus, he really didn’t feel well after fainting and, he assumed, hitting his head on the coffee table.

“How’s your head?” Hanji asked, her voice much quieter than usual, a testament to how much he had actually scared them when he passed out. “You hit it pretty hard.”

“’S fine,” he responded. “Mikasa says I have a hard head.”

“Lucky you do, brat. Scared the shit out of both of us.” He could tell Levi was aiming for anger, but the way he tenderly pressed another washcloth to the bump on Eren’s head betrayed him. Eren smiled.

“Sorry.”

“Tch. You don’t sound sorry at all.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” Eren responded sincerely. He really felt bad for scaring them, even if it wasn’t his fault. Levi just hummed in response.

They made him lie on the floor for another five minutes before he was allowed to sit up and drink some orange juice. Now that it was clear that he was fine and the fainting was just a one-time event, both Levi and Hanji relaxed. Hanji resumed musing about the news report, theorizing in crazy jumps and excited exclamations that actually served to relax Eren’s nerves rather than heighten his fear. Her guesses were all over the place, from resurrected dinosaurs to a new species of predator bird to someone’s attempt to recreate the wings from the story of Icarus. Levi thought it was probably just someone playing a prank.

“If it was a prank, why would los federales be called in?” Hanji pointed out.

“You know how jumpy they are. Bureaucracy at its finest, freaking out over a kid with some stupid feathers and a twisted sense of humour.”

“I don’t know...your theory seems a little far-fetched.” Levi and Eren’s eyebrows raised in identical expressions of incredulity.

“And your theories aren’t far-fetched? A few seconds ago you were talking Jurassic Park,” Levi scoffed.

 “There has to be something more to this! Eren, you believe me, right?” She rounded on him and he froze like a rabbit in the gaze of a wolf. He had been enjoying sitting back and listening to their conversation, hearing Hanji’s crazy theories and Levi’s derisive shut-down of every one.

“Um, I don’t know,” he said slowly. “I think Levi’s right. It was probably just some kid or something. I definitely don’t think it was dinosaurs or human experiments or something like that.”

“Human experiments? I didn’t even think about that!” Hanji had started to deflate when he agreed with Levi, but now she was back to mad scientist mode. “It makes sense! Just hear me out –“

Eren panicked. He hadn’t meant to say that, it had just been all he could think about since he realised that the animal or person or whatever it was had been taken by the government. “No, wait, Hanji,” he interrupted hurriedly, nearly tripping over his tongue. “I said it _wasn’t_ human experimentation. That’s crazy.”

“You had to give her that idea, didn’t you, kid?” Levi sighed. He had the air of a man who knew he was going to have to endure several more hours of Hanji’s extensively explained theories and, possibly, more experiments to clean up after.

“Yeah definitely not my finest moment,” Eren agreed wholeheartedly. As he nodded, he caught the time on the cable box out of the corner of his eye. He gasped and grabbed his phone to verify that it was indeed 5:53 PM. He was supposed to have been home over an hour ago. Luckily Mikasa didn’t get home until 6:30 when she had practice, but it was still a good idea to be home before she got there and got worried when he wasn’t in his room. “Um, I have to go home. I didn’t realise how late it was.”

Hanji looked at the clock and her eyes widened comically at the time. Levi’s expression didn’t change, but he stood up quickly and motioned for Eren to do the same. “I’ll take you home.” He started for the door.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to – oh,” Eren started to protest, but then he saw the snow falling in swirling white sheets out the window. It would be miserable weather to walk home in. “Wait, is it safe to drive in this weather?”

“Yeah, I’ll just borrow shitty glasses’ Titan and it’ll be fine. It already has chains and shit so it’s good to go.”

“O-okay then. Thanks.” Eren tugged on his shoes and coat while Levi did the same. Hanji grabbed him in a bear hug just as he was about to follow Levi out the door. She instructed him to drink plenty of water and to sleep more, because “we can’t have you fainting on us again!” When he escaped, she called to Levi to be careful and he waved back, promising her he’d be fine.

Seeing Hanji’s truck, Eren understood Levi’s confidence. It was a Ford Titan, huge, black, and intimidating with a giant red and yellow snow plow on the front. The tires gleamed with their snow chains. Eren truly believed they wouldn’t have a problem navigating the snowy weather home. Inside the cab, Eren couldn’t help but feel it was a little funny seeing tiny Levi behind the wheel of such a monstrous vehicle. He suppressed his laughter though, knowing that Levi probably would not appreciate the thought. He seemed familiar enough with the truck, backing out of the driveway and into the street easily. The cab slowly heated as they drove through the quiet, empty snowfall.

Eren fidgeted in his seat. He didn’t like the silence and he disliked thinking about wings and human experimentation even more. He reached over to turn on the radio, but Levi smacked his hand away.

“What do you think you’re doing, brat?”

“Turning on the radio?”

“Radio is shit. I think Hanji’s got some CDs in there,” he said, tapping the centre console with his elbow. Eren dug through the mass of receipts and candy wrappers to find a stack of CDs at the very bottom. Levi wrinkled his nose at the mess and his fingers twitched as if he longed to pull the car over and organise it right then and there, but he restrained himself, merely uttering a soft “tch” under his breath and continuing along the snowy road to Eren’s house.

It was only a couple miles away and it was more than likely they would arrive at their destination before Eren even chose a song to listen to, but looking through Hanji’s music was a distraction and he welcomed it gladly. He had expected her to have some weird shit, something psychedelic and strange, even German techno, but her taste was strangely unexceptional. Some Florence + the Machine, some Muse, some classic rock, some indie. He decided on Florence + the Machine because it was familiar and put it on shuffle.

 _Your songs remind me of swimming,_  
Which I forgot when I started to sink  
Dragged further away from the shore,  
And deeper into the drink

Eren thought about the lyrics, about drowning _._ He was pretty sure Florence was talking about drowning in love, but like everyone who listened to music, he made it about himself. He remembered his dream about drowning in feathers. It had been like a premonition. He was drowning in the knowledge that he was a monster. He was constantly battling his mind, trying to forget about his horrible wings, trying to forget what he had become. But he couldn’t very well forget that he was a monster sitting next to Levi in this truck, not with the twinging pain in his left wing from being landed on when he passed out earlier. Not when he saw black, glossy feathers against dirty snow every time he closed his eyes. He wondered what Levi would think if he knew. He wondered how he would react if he saw Eren’s messy, broken, pathetic wings that hung from his back like parasites, unwanted and condemning.

 _Rotting like a wreck on the ocean floor,_  
Sinking like a siren that can't swim anymore  
'Cause our songs remind me of swimming,  
But I can't swim anymore

Eren felt like the song was digging into his skin, finding the secret he had hidden there like a splinter, as was pulling it out centimetre by painful centimetre. He used to have a perfectly fine life. It wasn’t perfect, that’s not what he meant, but he got on. Now he was less than human, a rotting wreck on the ocean floor, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It was only a matter of time before men in suits showed up at his door to shove him in a metal cage and cart him off to some underground facility. It didn’t matter that he was only fifteen or that he had plans for his life or that he really, really wanted to grow some balls and confess his feelings to Levi; his life was over. He would never be able to be with anyone now, not like this. He suddenly felt alone, a million miles away from Levi in the driver’s seat next to him. The thought of being alone for the rest of his life, hiding from everyone, lying to everyone, made him want to curl up in a ball and cry himself to sleep. He resisted the urge to pull his legs to his chest right now, to break down in front of Levi, only half a mile from his house. The most he allowed himself was to cross his arms across his chest and look out the window at the snow, swallowing hard against the newfound lump in his throat.

“You okay, kid?” Levi asked. Eren might have missed the concern in his voice if he hadn’t heard it so blatantly earlier. His concern just served to fracture his heart that much more.

“Yeah,” he said gruffly. “I just think too much.”

Levi glanced at him and he looked almost like he wanted to ask Eren what he meant, but he allowed Eren’s answer to stand and pulled into the Jaegers’ driveway. They had made it without incident, as Levi predicted. Eren mastered his emotions for the moment, shoving them into a flimsy box at the back of his mind, and smiled at Levi. He thanked him earnestly for the ride home and for taking care of him after he passed out (he refused to use the word ‘fainted’; it reminded him of nineteenth century women with too-tight corsets and delicate temperaments). Levi waved him off, saying that it was nothing.

“Even so, thank you,” Eren insisted and Levi rolled his eyes.

“Okay, Princess, you’re welcome. Now get out of the damn truck and get inside.” Eren managed a grin at Levi’s bluntness and he mock saluted him as he reached for the door handle.

“Yes, sir!” He jumped out of the cab and ran through the cold to the warm refuge of his home. He already had his key in his hand when he got out of the truck, so he was able to get inside in record time. The wind was fierce and relentless; even in the short time it took for Eren to open his door the wind had slid an icy hand down his back, under his coat, leaving him shivering and rushing for his warm bed as soon as he stepped foot in the entryway. But he was stopped before he could even get halfway up the stairs.

“Eren, wait.” It was his father.

“What are you doing home?” Eren cringed at the accusation and shock in his voice. “I mean, you usually work late. I’m not used to seeing you home before at least nine. Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Grisha answered. In fact, he looked rather pleased about something. It was the closest Eren has seen him to happy since Eren’s mother had died. “Actually, I wondered if you and Mikasa would have dinner with me tonight. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other and we live in the same house. I thought it was time we ate a meal as a family.”

Eren stared at him for a moment, shocked. “Um, sure. That sounds great actually. When are we having dinner?”

“I was thinking we’d have it around seven, since Mikasa will be here soon and it’s almost 6:30.”

“Yeah, okay. What are we having? Do you...know how to cook?” Eren had never seen his father in the kitchen. He ate most of his meals at the cafeteria at the hospital, rarely even making himself a slice of toast at home. He gave Eren and Mikasa money for groceries but they were left to their own devices in terms of cooking and such. Mikasa sometimes made breakfast in the mornings since she was always up before Eren, but usually, if they didn’t just eat cereal or sandwiches, it was Eren who made dinner, since he actually knew how to cook.

“Oh, right. I suppose I don’t.”

Eren laughed. “You forgot that dinner had to actually be cooked and didn’t just magically show up in a buffet line at the hospital cafeteria?”

Grisha looked chagrined. “I haven’t had to think about cooking since...in a long time.” They shared an awkward, pained silence as they thought about the end of the aborted sentence. Carla Jaeger was a taboo topic in their family. Grisha had dived into his work, keeping a tenuous tether to his children as he sought to deal with his grief on his own through healing people and researching cures in his spare time. Eren would have lost himself to his own grief if it hadn’t been for Mikasa and Armin. He had a feeling the same was true of Mikasa; they relied on each other for everything in life, especially then.

Eren cleared his throat. “Right, well. I’ll cook dinner after I drop my stuff in my room, okay? Do we have food?”

“Yes. I bought all the ingredients on the way home.” He looked pleased that he had done at least something right and Eren felt a twinge of pity for him. Eren had never begrudged his father for working so much. He understood that it was his way of grieving. Or rather, Armin had helped him to understand the reasons for his father’s absence in Eren’s time of need. He still got frustrated at times with Grisha’s apathy towards his children’s lives and wellbeing, but if he was willing to put in the effort now to connect and make up for past absences, Eren wouldn’t stand in his way.

“Great. I’ll be right down.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going somewhere I swear.


	6. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grisha shares dinner with his children. He also shares some not-so-welcome news.

Eren sprinkled herbs on the roast chicken while he contemplated the bizarre reality of his life. Yesterday, he woke up with wings (had it only been yesterday?), which was pretty much the largest shock he would ever experience in his life, but his father suddenly deciding to spend quality time with his children was a close second. It was only his father’s desire to have dinner together that kept Eren from locking himself in his room and breaking down. He was sure he had fallen asleep on Tuesday and woke up in an alternate reality. Even Mikasa was different. She seemed...happier. When she came home to find her brother cooking dinner for three and her adoptive father sitting at the table, she merely raised her eyebrows and washed her hands to help Eren with the potatoes. She even hummed under her breath as she chopped the small red potatoes into cubes, making Eren hold the hot pan in his hand a little too long, causing the heat to seep through the mitt and nearly burn him. He had cursed and almost dropped the pan, but managed to hold onto it long enough to shove it on the oven.

Grisha set the table while Eren put the finishing touches on dinner. Mikasa grabbed everyone drinks and soon they were all sitting around their small dining room table, the fourth chair conspicuously empty, and serving themselves chicken, potatoes, and salad. It was a simple meal, but it was good. They ate in silence at first, but Grisha soon spoke, causing Eren to jump slightly in his seat.

“So, Eren. How have you been? How’s school going?” Grisha was looking at him intently, though his words were casual. Eren’s wings twitched against his back.

Eren swallowed thickly around a mouth full of potatoes. “Um, fine?” He didn’t know why it was a question. “Fine. I’m doing really good in French and I’ve gotten better in bio since Hanji’s been tutoring me.”

“Hanji? Is she your friend? What is she like?” Grisha finally looked away from Eren and took a bite of chicken. Eren’s irrational fear that his father somehow knew how he was actually doing dissipated and he relaxed slightly.

 Eren hesitated, unsure how to describe Hanji to someone who had never met her. “I guess you could call her my friend, but really she’s my tutor. She’s great. She’s a bit...excitable, I guess. She really loves science. I mean _really_ loves science, so she’s a good tutor. I was actually at her house earlier learning cellular respiration.”

“Oh really? That’s excellent. Biology was always one of my favourite classes in high school. And college.”

It was weird having a normal conversation with his dad. They were discussing Eren’s life as if he always came home to questions of “how was your day, son?” Eren felt like he was having an out-of-body experience. He took another large bite of potato. Grisha turned his attention to Mikasa, who seemed more uncomfortable than Eren. She answered him as shortly as possible and didn’t make any attempt to lengthen the conversation. Though, Mikasa didn’t particularly like small talk anyway. Eren tried once to step in and facilitate a less one-sided conversation between his father and Mikasa, but he wasn’t exactly Mr. Conversational himself, so it ended up making the situation even more awkward. After a few more minutes of strained conversation, Grisha put his fork and knife down neatly across his plate and cleared his throat.

“I actually have an ulterior motive for asking the two of you to dine with me tonight.”

Grisha’s voice took on a formal tone and both Eren and Mikasa looked up from their nearly empty plates with suspicion. Eren felt his heart sink, wondering if he had been a fool to think that they could truly share a normal meal together, that they could try to be a healthy, loving family again. This dinner had reminded him of how they used to be, even if it was only a paltry imitation of previous happiness.

“I have to go away for a while,” his father continued, wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “A patient of mine needs to go to a special facility for further treatment and the doctors there would like me to come along to assist since I know his case intimately and can help them understand what would be best for him.”

Eren blanched. His father wasn’t home much, it was true, but he had never gone away for a long time either. Why had he organized this whole dinner just to tell them that? Why did he get Eren’s hopes up just to tell him he wasn’t even going to be around to attempt proper fatherhood? Eren was angry and hurt, his hands clenched into fists. He felt cheated.

“How long will you be gone?” Mikasa asked calmly. Her back was rigid in her chair.

“I’m not sure. Hopefully only a month or so, maybe longer. I’ll always have my phone on me, so you can call me anytime. If you really need me, I’ll get on a plane and come right back.”

“A plane?” Eren asked, fighting to keep accusation and hurt out of his voice. He didn’t want to be upset over this, but he couldn’t help it. “Where is this facility exactly?”

“It’s in Washington, D.C,” his father answered easily, as though he anticipated his question. Everything about this seemed staged, a choreographed dance that his father had put together. Eren started seeing red.

“Why did you do all of this then? Why didn’t you just tell us you were leaving in a note with the grocery money? Why’d you make me think you were actually going to try to come back to us, to be my dad again?” Eren’s voice was starting to crack and break in parts, like a cliff sliding slowly to sea. His eyes burned with unshed tears.

Grisha looked taken aback, but he recovered himself quickly. He leaned forward and earnestly apologized, “I’m sorry for being so distant lately, Eren. And I’m sorry to you too, Mikasa. If it’s what you want, when I come back I’ll make more of an effort to be there for you.” He took a deep breath and leaned back, looking down at the table. “It’s just been...easier. To keep my distance. Working makes me feel less...useless and more in control of myself and of life, do you understand? I never meant to hurt you.”

By the end of his speech, his father was looking intensely into Eren’s eyes, his regret and anguish clear in the brown depths of his own. His father seemed so sincere that Eren could no longer hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall. They flowed down his cheeks in a steady stream that blurred his vision and spilled onto his sweatshirt. His nose began leaking as well and Eren was sure he looked like a terrible mess, but he didn’t care.

“Yeah,” he whispered brokenly. “Yeah, I’d like that. Please, just, I don’t know, sometimes it’s like you don’t even care. And I understand, I really do. But I need you too. And so does Mikasa, even though she won’t say it.”

“I understand,” Grisha said empathetically, giving him a thin smile. Eren realised how old his father had gotten when he wasn’t looking. His hair was going grey at the temples and his face had new lines that hadn’t been there before. Eren wasn’t as angry anymore, though he still felt lost and confused and hurt, unsure of how he should react.

“When do you leave?” he asked, trying to return his father’s smile. He hoped they would have at least a couple days to test his father’s new promise. Maybe they could have dinner again tomorrow night and talk about everything that had happened in their lives over the past two years. It had been so long since he had just _talked_ to his father. He missed stories of patients at the hospital, of fellow doctors and nurses. He missed telling his father about his plans to see the world. He missed his father’s proud smile when Eren would determinedly explain how he was going to visit every single corner of the earth to make sure he had seen everything there was to see. He missed how life used to be with an ache so sudden it felt like a sucker punch to the gut.

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?! So soon?” Eren jumped up from the table in surprise, knocking his knees against the edge and making the plates and glasses clatter jarringly.

“I know it’s sudden, but I just found out today myself. I’m sure the two of you will be fine. Think of it this way: the sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be able to come back, right?” Grisha hadn’t reacted to Eren’s attempt to send the table flying across the room. Instead, he seemed to grow calmer as Eren grew more upset. Mikasa was still sitting impassively, straight-backed and attentive. When Eren jumped up she had reached a hand out to him, but she was back to pretending to be a third party observer.

Eren walked away from the table and back again. He tried to comprehend why he was so upset about this. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to his father’s absence. He just needed to calm down. He needed to be alone. “Whatever. I’m going up to my room. Will you still be here when I get up for school?”

“Yes. I’m not leaving until nine tomorrow morning, so I’ll see you both before you leave.”

Eren nodded and spun on his heel, not looking back as he took the stairs two at a time and locked himself in his room. The universe definitely hated him. That was the only explanation for his life thus far. He ripped off his sweatshirt and pulled off the bandages. His wings were killing him and it was a relief to free them. He didn’t even have the energy to hate them as he stretched them out one at a time. They didn’t shake as much today as he held them in the air, though his left wing still hurt from earlier, and new, healthier feathers had filled in the places that were bare and bloody just yesterday. They were still weak and sickly looking, but even Eren had to admit they didn’t look as pitiful and disgusting as before.

He folded them loosely against his back and flopped onto his stomach on his bed with a noise between a sigh and a groan. Everything was just happening so suddenly. Life was punching him left and right and he hadn’t even had time to throw up his fists in defence. He wasn’t the type to roll with the punches, so each one landed a solid blow and now he was left curled up on his bed, gasping for air. If only he could fight back. But there was nothing he could do. His wings existed, whether he wanted them to or not, and his father was his father. He could beg him to stay, he could scream at him, but he couldn’t do anything to _make_ him stay. His father had drifted away from him a long time ago but it took his father actually leaving for a month to drive home the fact that Eren felt abandoned. He still had Mikasa and he loved her so much for filling the void left by his mother and for being everything he needed her to be, but she was only one person. She couldn’t fill the gaps in his life left by two people.

He squeezed his eyes shut. If he tried, he could just barely remember his mother’s face. He remembered her smiling at him when he brought home a drawing he made a school. He remembered her worry when he would do reckless things, like jump out of a tree to fight an imaginary monster while playing with Armin. But the images were faded, like old photographs that had been touched by too many hands. Even when he looked at physical photos of her, it was strange, like seeing picture of a stranger. It scared him to think he might one day forget what it was like to have her as a mother at all. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes as he began to cry for what felt like the millionth time that day. He wanted more than ever to escape his life and he hated his wings all the more for being useless when all he wanted was to fly away. They were like a manifestation of his reality; a reminder of his desire to leave when he was trapped on the ground. He coughed a laugh at this, tears falling harder.

„Der innere Reichtum der Leute ist“ he started to sing, his voice cracking horribly. “wie Licht bunt, durch Farbglas hereinzuscheinen. Das angenehme tägliche Leben ist wie ein warmes Kerzenlicht“

It was a lullaby his mother used to sing to him when he was upset. He had forgotten the lyrics, but a few weeks ago he had found them online and relearned them. He had wanted something to remind him of her and this song seemed like the perfect thing. He continued singing softly to himself, trying to remember her voice as she held him in her arms. His mother would have known what to say to him. He could have told her everything about what was happening to him, and she would have understood. She would have sang him this lullaby as she stroked through his feathers and made him feel normal again. He wrapped his wings over himself like a blanket, blocking out the rest of the world besides his mother’s lullaby and his own misery. Finally he sang the last note and gave in to weeping, his wings curling tighter around him as he grieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song he's singing is Vogel im Käfig, which is Carla's song in the anime. Here's a link to the song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTLhBz1SI3g
> 
> Translation of the lyrics in the fic: The inner fortune of people is like colorful light which shines through colored glass. The pleasant everyday life is like a warm candlelight.


	7. Normal is Just a Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grisha leaves for Washington and Armin gets a boyfriend.

_“Wait, dad, please,” Eren begged, holding his small hands in front of his face defensively. He could feel the cold of the basement wall seep through his thin t-shirt. Grisha was standing over him, a long needle poised in his hand, ready to strike._

_“I have to, Eren. It’s for the good of humanity.” He plunged the needle into Eren’s exposed upper arm and Eren screamed, blackness consuming him even as he tried to fight his father off._

Eren woke up with his heart pounding in his chest. He was terrified and he jumped out of bed into a defensive position, his knees bent slightly and his hands loosely fisted in front of his face. Already the dream was slipping away and he realised he was readying himself to fight empty air. He lowered his fists and looked at the clock. 6:07 AM. It was early, earlier than even Mikasa usually got up. But he was too wired to go back to sleep so he shook the sleep from his limbs and grabbed his blanket to put around his shoulders while he walked to the bathroom.

It was still awkward trying to shower with his wings and he had to struggle not to wake Mikasa and his father with loud crashes and bangs. Several times the edge of one of his wings would knock the shampoo bottle from the ledge or would push back the curtain to allow water to pour over the bathroom floor. Eren decided to employ the same method he used for stretching, washing one wing at a time and keeping the other tucked against his back. He had time, so he thoroughly washed each one, hoping to make them less horrid. He washed his hair and the rest of his body and stepped out into the steamy room. He noticed that there weren’t any feathers littering the floor, which was surprising giving the amount of fluttering they had done and how often they had smacked accidentally against the walls. He shrugged; less for him to clean up. He wiped the mirror with his towel and did his best to tame his hair. It was a lost cause, but he still tried occasionally to look less like birds had made their home on his head. There were dark circles under his eyes from where he had stayed up most of the night crying, but there was nothing he could do about those. He sighed and picked up his blanket from the floor, cursing himself for forgetting the bandages on the floor of his room, and headed into the hall.

“Eren! You’re up early,” his father greeted him. Eren froze, acutely aware that the only thing preventing his father from seeing his wings was his dark blue blanket. He pulled it tighter around his shoulders as he answered.

“Yeah, I, uh, I couldn’t sleep so I decided to just get up and take a shower.”

“Are you feeling alright? You look a little flushed,” his father took a step closer to him and Eren took a step back.

“Uh, no!” he said quickly. “I’m fine. It’s just…I don’t have any clothes on under here, dad, and I really want to go get dressed.”

“Oh. Yes, of course. I’ll see you downstairs when you’re done.” He gave Eren one last indecipherable look before he turned and went downstairs, leaving Eren to make his way back to his room in the semi-darkness, breathing a sigh of relief. He picked up the bandages from where he had thrown them last night and grimaced. They needed to be washed. They smelled of sweat and blood and looked exactly like they had been on his body for two days. But he had nothing else so he supposed they would have to do. He bound his wings to his back and sprayed deodorant over his body, hoping to mask the smell.

He tried not to think about his dad leaving as he dug through his closet and the pile of (hopefully clean) clothes on his floor. He found an oversized sweater in the back of his closet and pulled it on over a pair of dark jeans. The sweater was dark green and plain, but Armin told him it brought out the green in his eyes. He had teased Armin for noticing, but now he was just glad to know that the sweater didn’t look completely awful on him. He grabbed his bag, full of homework that was yet again left undone, and went downstairs to join his family in the kitchen.

“─but I thought they might be useful for you to have now,” Eren’s father was saying to Mikasa as he slid something across the table. As he got closer, Eren could tell that it was two credit cards. He could see Mikasa’s name embossed on the front of one and he assumed his was on the other. Had his father been planning for this? Had he expected to have to fly across the country at a moment’s notice? The thought made Eren sick.

“Oh, Eren. Good morning. I was just explaining to Mikasa that I’ve had credit cards taken out in your names. I was planning to give them to you for your eighteenth birthdays, but it seems you need them sooner. You’ve both been self-sufficient for a while now, so I don’t think this next month will be too hard on you.” Grisha spoke coolly and logically, void of any negative emotions about leaving his two children to fend for themselves. Though, Eren supposed that he had a point. They were only fifteen but they had been taking care of themselves since they were ten years old. The only difference was that they wouldn’t have a backup plan, an adult to take care of things should they go wrong. It was like a child who’s parent hid their security blanket in the closet because they thought they were too old for such things.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” was all Eren could manage to say. He passed the small kitchen table without giving the credit cards a second glance and headed straight for the cupboard with the cereal. He poured himself a bowl while Grisha continued prattling about emergency numbers and what to do if this happened or that happened, as if they didn’t already know all of this. Mikasa just listened with her patented blank expression, though Eren could sense that she was just as annoyed as he was. Eren sat in the empty chair between them with a heavy sigh and began shovelling Captain Crunch into his mouth as fast as humanly possible.

“Slow down, Eren, you’re going to choke,” Mikasa admonished him, cutting off Grisha midsentence. Eren grinned at her through a mouthful of cereal, causing milk to spill down his chin. She grimaced in disgust. Eren swallowed before laughing at her expression. His father just stared at the two of them, seeming out of place and slightly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and Eren resumed his shovelling. He had always wanted his father to go into work late sometimes, to eat breakfast with them and talk about trivial things. Now though, it was just strange and painfully awkward. Eren was the only one eating, since Mikasa never had more for breakfast than a cup of coffee and Grisha still wasn’t used to eating breakfast at home. Eren finished quickly and shot up from the table to place his bowl in the sink.

“Done! Ready to go, Mikasa?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Mikasa stood with far more grace than Eren had. She at least didn’t bump the table with her knees every time she got up. Sometimes Eren felt like a giant who’s limbs were too long and gangly for him to keep up with. He was constantly bumping into things and knocking things over. And now he had an extra long pair of wings to knock things over with. He had to wonder what he had done in a previous life that had been so awful as to earn him his current fate.

“Goodbye, kids. I’ll call you when I land. Be safe. I love you.” It was all the things a parent normally says, but hearing from Grisha after five years of barely a grumbled ‘hello’ and ‘goodnight’ was beyond odd. It was like he was trying to be the father he was when Carla was still alive, but he found that the shoes he’d worn were a few sizes too small.

“Bye, dad. Talk to you later,” Eren said. He paused, looking back at his dad from the kitchen doorway. He wondered if he should hug him. A handshake was far too formal, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for a hug from his father just yet. He opted for a small wave and a smile, knowing that it was artificial and strained, but it was the best he could do. His father returned the gesture with a smile and a half wave of his own, so Eren figured his attempt was appreciated. Mikasa attempted to do the same, the corners of her mouth lifting in a facsimile of a smile and her hand raised stiffly, but it was more than either Eren or Grisha had expected and Grisha’s eyes softened at her effort.

They pulled on their shoes at the door and walked out in silence. Mikasa locked the door out of habit and followed Eren down the icy driveway. Eren shivered in his sweater, used to wearing a coat over his thick sweatshirt, neither of which he had today, but he relished the cold anyway. It reminded him that he was awake, that everything wasn’t just some strange dream. He put his hands in his pockets as they walked and thought about nothing. The tips of his shoes were covered in brownish slush and they squished against the half-melted snow on the sidewalk. He squinted against the bright sun that reflected off the white snow to either side of the sidewalk and blinded him. He kept his eyes on the tan sidewalk, the disgusting slush created by dozens of dirty feet.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mikasa asked him quietly. They were almost halfway there.

“No,” he said, still looking at the ground. “Not yet. But…thanks.” She grunted in response and they continued the rest of the walk wordlessly. Eren was starting to feel numb, and not just from the cold. They arrived at the school before Eren realized it and he took a deep breath to prepare himself for another day of struggling through classes he had never cared about in the first place. He didn’t have the energy to smile at Armin when he saw him, but he knew he didn’t have to pretend with Armin, not this time. Armin knew everything about his family and he would understand better than anyone, other than Mikasa, what it meant for Grisha to leave like this. He picked up on Eren’s mood immediately and asked what was wrong.

“Grisha left,” Mikasa said before Eren had a chance to answer. Eren just opened his locker and pulled out his algebra textbook, replacing it with his bio book, which he wouldn’t need until after lunch. He nodded to Armin to let him know that Mikasa was telling the truth and he stared back with his jaw hanging.

“What do you mean he _left_? You mean he _left_ left?”

“No, he’s coming back,” Eren assured him. “He said he’ll be gone for a month or so. He gave us credit cards so we can pay for food and stuff.”

“Where’s he going?” Armin was just as shocked as Eren had been.

Eren shut his locker and slung his bag over his shoulder. “Washington D.C. Apparently a patient of his needs special treatment there or something and they need him to come because he knows their medical history or whatever. He just found out yesterday, he said.”

“Wow. That’s really last minute for something so big. Usually if you need specialized surgery or something like that, it takes planning. It takes weeks. It’s strange that they would have to leave so suddenly.”

Eren hadn’t thought of that. “So, what? Is my dad lying? Why would he do that?”

Armin’s eyes widened. “No! I didn’t mean that. I don’t think he’s lying, I just think it’s odd, you know? It must be a real emergency for it to be so sudden.” Eren nodded thoughtfully. It made him feel a little better to think that it was an emergency and that his dad was going in order to save someone’s life. At least his dad was doing something honourable and good while he was away. He said goodbye to Armin and Mikasa and headed for his first class.

The day passed by slowly, but when the final bell sounded it seemed to have passed quickly. At least it was finally Friday and Eren had two whole days free from the pressure to pretend to care about algebra and Lord of the Flies when those were the absolute last things on his mind. Eren waited for Mikasa and Armin in his customary waiting spot and leaned his head back against the tree. He couldn’t remember his classes for the life of him, not that he particularly cared. Snow had found its way between the tops of his sneakers and the bottom of his jeans, freezing his ankles. He ignored it and closed his eyes on a sigh.

“Feeling better today, kid?” Eren snapped his eyes open and looked down at the person who addressed him.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Guess I was just dehydrated or overtired or something yesterday.”

“You still look like shit,” Levi said bluntly. Eren laughed shortly. If only Levi knew just how shit his life was, he thought.

“Thanks.”

“Any time. Anyway, I just saw you standing over here and wanted to make sure you weren’t dying or something. See you later.” Levi walked away, joining Hanji and Erwin in front of Hanji’s Titan. Hanji waved and Eren returned the gesture, still a little confused by the incredibly short conversation he had just had. Levi seemed to genuinely care how he was doing. Why else would he have bothered to leave his friends and come over here? Eren shook his head. Levi was nice guy under his standoffish exterior, he had already suspected that. It didn’t mean that he returned Eren’s feelings, no matter how much he wanted to interpret the exchange as an indication of such.

Mikasa and Armin soon joined him and they headed home through the slush. They sky was a pale, icy blue and the sun was just as bright as it had been that morning. It was easy to forget how dark and violent the same sky had been yesterday during the snow storm. Armin tried to coax Eren and Mikasa into talking about what had happened with their father, but they both refused. Mikasa didn’t like talking about feelings as a rule and Eren was just too fucking tired and numb to even think about his father any more. He would talk to Armin about it extensively when he was ready, but right now he just couldn’t handle it. Instead, he steered the conversation toward their plans for tomorrow. They decided that they would all stop together at the supermarket, which was a few blocks out of their way, in order to by junk food and baking supplies. At the store, they agreed to “divide and conquer”. Armin went for the chips and soda, Mikasa went for the popcorn and paper plates, and Eren went for the cookie ingredients, since he knew what was needed better than the others. They met in front of the store not twenty minutes later and resumed their walk home.

“Um, there’s actually something I’ve been wanting to tell you guys,” Armin said during a lull in the conversation. Mikasa looked up at him in surprise and the same time Eren asked “What is it?”

“Well,” Armin looked down at the ground, blushing furiously.

“You’re blushing!” Eren exclaimed. “I knew it. You met someone.” He poked Armin’s shoulder excitedly. Armin blushed harder but didn’t deny it.

“Yeah, I did actually. We kissed for the first time last week, but I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure about how I felt.”

“That’s great, Armin,” Mikasa said, smiling genuinely at her friend.

“Yeah, I’m happy for you too,” Eren agreed, burning to know who it was who had captured Armin’s attention. Eren had an unfortunate track record of thinking that no one was good enough for his best friend, but after Armin had accused him of trying to keep Armin for himself, Eren had been trying to back off and let him make his own decisions.

“Good, because…it’s Jean.” Except when it was horrible decision.

“Jean?” Eren asked evenly. “As in ass-face Jean who is the biggest fucking jerk on the face of the planet, that Jean?”

“Eren,” Mikasa reprimanded sharply.

“No, I mean it. He’s always drooling over Mikasa and he’s a selfish prick who only cares about his “cool” reputation. I can’t believe you’d fall for someone like him. You’re so much better than that.”

“I know how you feel about him,” Armin said calmly, “but you don’t know him like I do. He’s really self-conscious and he covers it up by pretending to be an asshole. And you’re really easy to get a rise out of, so he antagonizes you a lot. He’s not a bad guy, Eren.”

Eren breathed deeply through his nose, trying not to fly off the handle. There were literally so many better choices for Armin. Almost anyone at school would be better than horse-face Jean Kirschtein. He could think of five guys off the top of his head who – wait a minute.

“Wait, I thought you were straight?” Eren asked suddenly, confused.

“I think I’m bi actually. I’ve suspected for a while, but when I kissed Jean I realized it was true.” Ugh, Eren did _not_ want to think about Armin kissing Jean. He wanted to trust Armin’s judgment, he really did, but he also couldn’t shake the intense urge to punch Jean directly in the nose every time he so much as thought of him. Jean never missed an opportunity to piss Eren off, probably because Armin was right and Eren was so easy to anger. And Jean knew exactly how to push Eren’s buttons.

“Well, I think it’s great that you have someone to make you happy,” Mikasa said simply, effectively preventing Eren from saying something stupid for the moment. She bumped her shoulder against Armin’s and he blushed again, thanking her.

Eren took another deep breath and let it out slowly through his mouth. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. If he makes you happy I’ll do my best not to break his nose. Er, again.” He was pretty sure he had broken Jean’s nose at least once. In his defense, Jean had also fractured one of Eren’s ribs once, so they were even.

“Thank you, Eren. That means a lot.” Armin sounded so sincere that Eren felt badly for the way he had reacted. Armin had been nervous about telling them and he had to be an asshole about it, probably as Armin had predicted he would. He definitely didn’t deserve the friends he had.

For the rest of the walk home, Armin explained how his and Jean’s relationship had come about and how much he was looking forward to their date on Sunday. Eren had to bite his tongue several times to prevent himself from saying something derogatory about Jean and when he made it all the way home without calling Armin’s boyfriend “horse-face” or “asshole” he was inordinately proud of his own self control. Mikasa went straight to her room when they walked in the door and when Eren passed her room, he could hear her on the phone with someone. He wondered who it was that she wanted to talk to so badly. Connie? Sasha? They had always been more Armin’s friends than his or Mikasa’s. He tried to think of who else sat with them at lunch. There was the small, cheerful blonde girl and her girlfriend. Christa and Ymir, those were their names. Now that he thought of it, he wasn’t sure they were actually dating. It was painfully obvious that Ymir had a massive crush on Christa, but he wasn’t sure the feeling was mutual. He felt he could relate.

He decided to leave it alone. It was Mikasa’s business and gods knew he didn’t want Mikasa poking her head in his affairs so he would offer her the same courtesy. Speaking of his business, he desperately needed to take off his bandages. His wings had taken to twitching more, almost threatening to break free of their confines. He could tell that the muscles were slowly becoming stronger, despite them having never been used and the fact that he kept them in a strangle hold most of the day. This time, when he stretched them they hardly trembled at all. The weak muscles were finally able to hold their own weight and for the first time something like hope flared in his chest. Maybe one day his wings would actually be able to support the rest of him as well. He could fly away, be free of this life.

His thoughts crashed brutally to reality when he remembered the news report from yesterday. Even if his wings managed to somehow grow strong enough to allow him to fly, he could never expose himself like that. Anyone who saw him would think he was a  monster. They would call 911 or worse, animal control, as if he was a wild animal that needed to be put down. Then it would be him dragged away by the government for testing and he would never see Mikasa or Armin again. Or Levi. Or Hanji. He was reminded again of the fact that he hardly counted as human any more. He couldn’t ignore his wings no matter how hard he tried, but it was still easy to get caught up in his family drama and the normalcy of teenage life and to forget that he was a half-human freak who was lying to everyone he knew. He looked over at the pile of feathers he had collected since he first got his wings. Most of them had some amount of dried blood on them and some still had the mucus that covered his wings when he first woke up to discover them newly grown and wretched. It was a large pile, collected from the bathroom as well as his bedroom. He had no idea what to do with them, but he knew he couldn’t keep them in his room forever. For one thing, they smelled awful, like dead bird. He folded his wings tightly against his back and put his sweater back on before heading downstairs to grab a trash bag from under the kitchen sink. He decided just to clean his whole room, that way if Mikasa asked why he was taking a large trash bag out of his room he could just say he was trying to straighten up before tomorrow. Plus, cleaning might get rid of the smell which would undoubtedly linger even after the feathers were gone. He didn’t want to have to explain why his room smelled like he suddenly decided to keep an aviary in his closet.

An hour of cleaning and vacuuming and half a can of Lysol later, Eren declared his room acceptably clean. He had even washed his sheets, which were stained with drops of blood. He noticed that the sheets were a size too big for his bed, which was strange since he was sure that Mikasa had bought him the right ones at the store. They were the same dark blue they’d always been though, so Eren assumed he just hadn’t picked up on the fact that his sheets didn’t fit his bed. It sounded like something he was liable to do. Mikasa had poked her head into his room while he was vacuuming, her expression incredulous.

“You’re cleaning?” she’d asked. Eren had flipped her off, informing her that he _did_ occasionally clean his room, to which she responded that she hadn’t seen him clean his room in months and that she had begun to think he was friends with the dust bunnies and the roaches. Eren scoffed. He did _not_ have roaches in his room, thank you very much. Dust bunnies, maybe. But he wasn’t so disgusting as to have bugs crawling all over his room and not even notice or care. It actually felt nice to have his room clean, like he had control over this one little piece of the universe. He organized his desk and sat at his computer chair, swiveling around to look at his handiwork. He knew he wouldn’t last long, so he basked in the cleanliness while it lasted. When he was done basking, he opened his laptop and started a solo mission on AoT. He knew he would be playing the game all day tomorrow, but one could never play too much Attack on Titan in his opinion.

He was excited for tomorrow. He longed to spend a day worrying about nothing more than who’s turn it was to make more popcorn and getting his ass virtually kicked by his best friends. He wouldn’t be Eren-the-monster-who-should-be-locked-up-for-everyone’s-good, but Eren-the-brother-and-best-friend-who-still-sucked-at-his-favourite-game-after-two-years. It would almost be as if the past week hadn’t happened at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMO Grisha may have his reasons, but he's still an asshole. That is all.


	8. The Eye of the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lazy Saturday with cookies and videogames...and Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I may have taken some liberties with the canon storyline...but hey, that's what fanfiction is for right?)
> 
> **Disclaimer: I am not a gamer so please bear with my inevitable mistakes and don't hate me /cringe/

The smell of freshly baked cookies filled the house and Mikasa walked into the kitchen breathing deeply, still in her pyjamas. Eren slapped her hand away from the cookie dough. He was halfway through baking and she knew better than to stick her hands in the bowl before he was done. He shooed her from the room and she mock pouted, saying that he was being cruel and that she could easily over power him and eat all the cookie dough before he could stop her. He agreed with a laugh, but still pushed her bodily from the room before turning and grabbing an oven mitt to pull out the most recent batch. He was being a bit hypocritical by denying his sister some of the unbaked goodness that was freshly made cookie dough, since he had already sampled his work multiple times, but he also preferred to work in an empty kitchen and didn’t feel bad in the slightest for kicking her out. She would be back to lick the bowl when he put the last batch anyway, as she always was.

“Hey, guys!” Armin called from the entryway. Eren could hear him stomping off his snowy boots before he came into kitchen, sniffing the air. “Oh, it smells wonderful, Eren! I can’t wait.”

Eren smiled at his friend and greeted him, “Hey, Armin. Just put the stuff over there, out of the way.” He gestured to an empty bit of counter with the spoon he was currently using to transfer dough from the bowl to the cookie sheet. Bits of dough splattered over the counter. “Oops.”

“Okay.” Armin set the chips and litres of soda on the counter as Eren asked and then tried to dip his finger in the bowl while Eren was busy putting the cookie sheet in the oven.

“Oi, get out! No cookie dough until all the batches are in the oven, you know the rules. I just kicked Mikasa out for the same thing.”

Armin paused, his fingers centimetres away from the dough, and held up his hands in surrender. “Sorry, Master Chef, I’ll leave you to your craft.” He left to join Mikasa in the living room, snickering.

“Ha ha,” Eren deadpanned to himself. He huffed and resumed his baking. He was happy though. Everyone was in a good mood today, excited for junk food and video games and just generally being normal, obnoxious teenagers who had the house to themselves for...well, a long time actually. As Eren transferred hot cookies to a cooling rack he allowed a lazy smile to cover his face. His wings twitched happily against his back and he found that even they couldn’t dampen his buoyant mood. Finally he put the last sheet of cookies in the oven and, as if she had _sensed_ it, Mikasa was there to claim the bowl with its remnants of cookie dough. Armin claimed the mixing spoon and Eren just shook his head, already half full on all the cookie dough he had eaten during the course of the morning.

When they were finally ready, they piled all the food on the coffee table and claimed their positions around the living room with their laptops. Eren always got a little too intense while playing video games, so he sat on a cushion the floor with his back against the loveseat to save the furniture his fidgeting and jumping and twisting. Mikasa sat on the armchair, her legs crossed underneath her, within easy reach of the plate of cookies. Armin slid on his headset, adjusting himself on the couch so that he was on his stomach, his feet hanging over the edge and his torso propped up on his elbows. He would likely move often throughout the day, as was his habit, but for now he seemed comfortable enough and he was the first to log into his account. Armin was a battle strategist and healer, though he always joined Mikasa and Eren on raids, attacking titans that invaded the virtual village. Mikasa was a soldier-class, one of the best Eren had ever seen. She could take down fifteen meter class titans on her own without losing any health. Eren was not nearly as good as his friends, despite playing far more often than the two of them combined, but he had recently unlocked a cheat that allowed his character to shift into a titan and fight the monsters on their own terms. It greatly increased his success, but sometimes it was hard to control his character in titan form. It would occasionally act of its own accord, no matter what buttons Eren pressed, and so he was left key smashing like crazy just to get it to obey him.

“Eren, that was me you idiot! Stop attacking your own team,” Mikasa scolded, jumping out of the way of the titan’s swinging fist. Eren’s titan had attacked her without Eren even pressing any keys. He cursed and started smashing buttons at random.

“Oi, Jaeger15” – Eren wasn’t very original with his choice of handle – “get your monster under control. We need you to help stop titans from entering the wall. Yours is the only character strong enough to do it.” Because it was only the three of them, they had joined a guild called The Garrison and were doing a mission with them to clear a group of titans from within Wall Rose. The world of AoT was basically three huge walls surrounding what was left of the human race. The mission they were currently trying to complete was the result of a Colossal titan taking out the gate and allowing smaller titans to flow through the wall into the territory within.  A few random keys later, Eren finally got his titan to obey him and he used it to carry a boulder the size of a large house – or maybe two large houses – to the destroyed gate, effectively blocking it. He lost over half his health along the way, but he miraculously hadn’t died, thus making the mission a success. After that, it was just a matter of clearing out the titans. A couple people from the guild got wiped out, but overall the mission went well and a little over an hour later they exited the mission and disbanded.

“Want to join another guild?” Eren asked.

“Can you handle it? You lost a lot of health last round,” cautioned Armin, removing his headset. “Maybe we should take a break for a minute anyway.”

Before he had even finished his sentence however, a message popped up on Eren’s screen from madscientistsruletheworld: _HI! I SAW THE RESULTS OF YOUR LAST MISSION! AWESOME! WANNA JOIN OUR GUILD FOR THE NEXT MISSION?_

Eren had a very strong suspicion he knew who madscientsruletheworld was. He quickly typed back: _Hanji? It’s me, Eren._

_EREN! I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE YOU BECAUSE “JAEGER15” BUT I WASN’T SURE_

_You can turn capslock off, Hanji._

_SORRY. I BROKE THE KEY SO NOW IT’S STUCK. I’M NOT ACTUALLY YELLING AT YOU_ _J_

Eren shook his head. After getting the okay from Mikasa and Armin he typed back: _We’ll join you._

 _YAY!_ Hanji issued the official invitation to all three of them and they accepted immediately. Hanji’s guild was called Wings of Freedom and currently consisted of eight permanent members, though only five of them were online. Hanji’s guild was one of the most prestigious guilds in the game, Eren noted with awe. They were known for their skill and their selective acceptance of new members. Being a part of it, even if it was only for one mission, was exhilarating.

The most famous member of the guild, of course, was heichou. He must have joined early to have gotten such simple handle without hyphens or unnecessary numbers ─ or maybe it was just because he had an unusual choice of handle. He was known for completing every mission he ever attempted and was the highest ranking player in the game, even on the international boards. Laymen like Eren nicknamed him Humanity’s Strongest as a sort of joke, but everyone was in awe of him. Eren was nearly peeing his pants with excitement.

The little green dot next to heichou’s name came up, indicating that he had just enabled his headset. “Congrats, kid, you’ve got your wings. Don’t screw up.” Eren’s heart stopped and restarted again double time. He knew that voice. He would know that voice anywhere. Heichou, Humanity’s Strongest, was –

“Levi?!” Eren half yelled into his headset. Armin and Mikasa looked at him in alarm for his outburst, but he hardly noticed.

“Ow, shit. Yeah, it’s me, genius. No need to take out my eardrum.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…you’re _heichou_. I just…wow.” Eren re-evaluated his entire life. Mikasa cleared her throat, bringing him back to the present. “Right, the mission. Sorry.” He had to do well in this mission. He couldn’t have heichou, _Levi_ , thinking that he was useless. He threw himself into the game, nearly vibrating with nervous energy.

The mission was a simple reconnaissance: go out beyond the walls, try to find out the titans’ secrets, come back. Except the mission started to go wrong when an abnormal titan came running through, killing off members of their guild one by one until only Levi, Mikasa, and Eren were left. Eren quickly shifted and ran after the titan before it could get to the others, attacking the monster head on. He could tell he was weakening it, but it was also getting in some good hits and his health bar was dangerously low. Armin had healed him just before the mission, but he hadn’t been able to restore Eren to full capacity. Just as his character started to fall, his health in the red, Mikasa and Levi swung in at the same time to double team the titan, felling it. Eren let out a whoop and congratulated both of them.

“Not bad, Ackerman,” Levi said. Were Eren’s ears playing tricks on him or did Levi actually sound impressed? “You too, brat,” he added, making Eren beam.

“Thanks, Levi,” he said sincerely, trying not to come off like an obsessed fanboy and failing miserably. Mikasa just hummed in acknowledgment of his praise and exited the game. She stood and stretched, saying that she needed a bathroom break. Armin had already removed his headset when he died and stood with her, cracking his neck and heading for the second bathroom upstairs. Eren realised that he was still in the game and that everyone had left except for him, Levi, and Hanji.

“Well, I’ve gotta go. I _may_ have accidentally set off the smoke alarm in the kitchen. Nothing to worry about though! See you later!” Hanji announced.

“See you, shit specs. Don’t burn your house down.”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Levi, remember what I told you. Love you!”

Levi grunted in response and Hanji clicked off, leaving Eren and Levi alone in virtual space. Eren wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to talk to Levi, especially since he found out that he was _heichou_ , but he had no idea how to start a conversation. This was why he only had two friends.

“You’re lucky you have that cheat. You suck otherwise.”

“Thanks, Levi, that means a lot,” Eren returned dryly. Levi was still Levi.

“’M just saying.” Silence followed his statement and, from the tension, Eren gathered that Levi was just as bad at this as he was. Eren racked his brain for something to say. It wasn’t like he didn’t have a million things on his mind to talk about, it was just that most of them would be embarrassing. He wanted to know how Levi got so good at AoT and when he started playing, he wanted to know if he played often and, if he did, if he would want to play with Eren. He was pretty sure the answer to that last one would be a resounding ‘no’ since Levi was level 600, the highest you could get, and Eren was still at level 478. Plus, Levi always referred to him as a ‘kid’, definitely not someone he considered his equal or worthy of wasting time on. Still, he wanted to at least ask.

“So, do you play AoT often?”

“Ugh, seriously? You’re going with the cliché ‘do you come here often?’” Eren grimaced.

“I just meant that you’re really good. I mean, you’re freaking _heichou_. You’re like…a legend.” Eren couldn’t keep the admiration out of his voice if he tried, so he didn’t.

“It’s just a game.” Levi said flippantly, but Eren thought he sounded almost embarrassed. Eren might have just been imagining it, but he would give anything to see Levi’s face right now. It sounded like he was blushing and Eren would chop off a limb to see that.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking amazing at it.”

“Tch,” was the only answer Eren got. Levi was as gruff as usual, but Eren enjoyed imagining that he was blushing anyway, even if it were untrue.  

“I play all the time and I still suck. The only reason I’ve gotten as far as I have is because I got that cheat to let me shift. And that just makes things more difficult sometimes because I can’t always control my character in titan mode. Mikasa hardly ever plays and she’s almost as good as you.”

“Yeah she’s good. Really good. I might ask her if she wants to be a permanent member of the guild.” Eren was not jealous. He wasn’t.

“I think she’d like that. She might not be on very often, but she likes doing missions and you can only do those with a group so…” He trailed off and shoved the little green monster in his head into a box and sat on it.

“I was also going to ask you, if you wanted. And I guess Armin can join. His plan at the beginning was pretty clever and it would have worked if it weren’t for that damn titan.”

Eren sat up straight, too excited to speak. Levi had said it so casually, as if being asked into the Wings of Freedom wasn’t a big fucking deal for amateur players like Eren. As if Eren didn’t spend half the time he was playing AoT wishing he were good enough to join a guild like that. Eren clamped his hand over his mouth to avoid making a truly humiliating noise of excitement and breathed deeply through his nose to calm himself down enough to answer.

“Y-yeah, I would love to. Shit. Yeah. A-and Armin too. Thank you, Levi.”

“You’re popping a boner right now aren’t you?” he said suddenly.

“What!? No! Why –“ Eren spluttered.

Levi chuckled and Eren felt like he had died and been reborn via that sound alone. “Calm down. It’s okay if you are. You’re so excited I can almost feel it oozing through my headset.” He sounded amused and Eren felt his face turn the colour of a ripe tomato. He spluttered a few more syllables that couldn’t even be considered words before finally falling silent and listening to the continued beautiful sound of Levi laughing at him. He had never head Levi full out laugh before and he wasn’t quite doing so now, but it was close enough to make Eren want to hear the real thing. He wanted to know what it would take to make Levi laugh so hard he was clutching his stomach, tears of mirth in his eyes. He gripped the edges of his laptop tightly; he had fallen for this boy hard and he was in far too deep. He needed to get out before he drowned completely.

“Go take care of your little problem, Eren. I’ll see you later.” Levi clicked off and Eren was left speechless. He was so flustered he almost didn’t notice that Levi had actually  called him by his name and not ‘kid’ or ‘brat’ or even ‘Jaeger’. Once he got over some of his embarrassment, Eren replayed the conversation in his head and thought about Levi’s deep voice and the way he always seemed to catch Eren off guard, taking away his ability to speak or even think properly. It wasn’t fair but Eren wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Hey, Eren, let’s do some solo stuff to level up and then we’ll see if we can join another guild.” Armin’s voice brought him back from the fantasies that had started to overtake his mind and Eren nodded quickly, pulling his laptop closer to him, to cover the new “problem” that had arisen. Eren cleared his throat unnecessarily and used the distraction of titan killing to end his mind’s wanderings.   


	9. The Thing About Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thing about secrets is that they don't tend to stay secret for long.

                No matter how well kept a secret is, no matter how carefully one holds it under his tongue and binds it to himself, it has a way of seeping through fingers like light and being seen by someone you never wished would see it. And sometimes it escapes less like sunlight through closed fingers and more like a shout exploding from unsuspecting lips, a mistake made by the desperate. That was how Eren ended up here, bare-chested and freezing with his wings spread behind him like his soul flayed and spread wide for someone to inspect and judge. That someone was standing in front of him with wide eyes and Eren desperately wished to die on the spot rather than hear the words he knew were coming.

                The day had started off normally enough. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin had fallen asleep in the living room floor in various positions, only to wake up in the morning to sore necks and backs, the house a veritable wreck. Dishes and cups littered the coffee table and the floor, crumbs and drops of sticky liquid scattered like glitter and glue from a toddler’s craft hour. Sometime last night Mikasa had fetched a few bottles of vodka that their dad had stashed in the old refrigerator in the garage. Eren had forgotten they even _had_ that refrigerator, but he was damn glad Mikasa hadn’t. Unfortunately, that wonderful surprise that loosened tongues and led to an impromptu dance party ─ complete with Eren dancing a horrible attempt at the tango with Armin ─ also led to pounding headaches, a broken lamp, and, oddly, a fish tank filled with what looked like goldfish crackers in place of the TV. Which raised a good question: where was the TV? After a few minutes of stumbling, uncoordinated search, Armin discovered the TV in the downstairs bathroom, blessedly unharmed, and they decided to leave it there until they had each had ibuprofen, coffee, and breakfast, in that order.

                Eren pulled out their largest frying pan and cracked almost an entire dozen of eggs into it, starting to fix the world’s largest plate of greasy scrambled eggs while Mikasa filled the coffee pot and Armin found the Advil. As he stirred the eggs, Eren thanked the gods that he wasn’t the type to throw up when he had a hangover. Armin was taking a long time coming back from the bathroom and he guessed that the poor guy was puking his guts in the toilet. Eren shook his head and measured salt into his palm to add to the pan. The eggs would probably smell disgusting to Armin if he came down before he was ready, so Eren hoped he would take at least a few more minutes for his stomach to calm down before he tried coming into the kitchen.

                “Found ‘em!” Armin announced when he finally came down, though he refrained from yelling out of sympathy for sensitive heads. He definitely looked better for having vomited the last dregs of alcohol in his system, much better than Eren at least, and for a moment Eren envied his ability to recover so quickly. But a second later Armin turned green and covered his nose, turning away from the stove and running away to escape the smell of freshly cooked eggs and Eren felt only pity.

                Mikasa poured Armin a cup of coffee and brought it to him in the dining room, along with the bottle of Advil he had left on the counter. Eren distributed the eggs onto three plates and covered one with plastic wrap for when Armin felt he could handle food. He poured himself a cup of coffee just as Mikasa came back to claim her own cup. They ate in the kitchen, leaning against the counter side by side. Eren shoveled his food down so fast he burned his tongue and the roof of his mouth several times, but he didn’t care. He was always ravenous after drinking and today he was even more so. He finished his plate and eyed the portion he had set aside for Armin, wondering if he could get away with eating it and just making his friend some toast instead. He stared at the food for a moment before breaking down and ripping off the plastic. He ate this portion just as quickly and soon dropped the empty plate in the sink on top of the other with a clink. To cover his guilt, he quickly threw a couple slices of bread in the toaster and pushed the lever down. Mikasa raised her eyebrows at him.

                “I know you eat a lot when you’re hung over, but that was a _lot_ of eggs. Couldn’t you have left Armin _any_?”

                Eren had the grace to look sheepish, but he didn’t quite regret eating the eggs. He felt better for having eaten them, and Armin hadn’t looked like he would be ready for them any time soon. He shrugged and gave her a look as if to say well-what-do-you-want-from-me?

                “It’s okay, Mikasa,” Armin said as he walked back into the kitchen, “I didn’t really want eggs anyway. And that toast smells good actually. Better than eggs at least.”

                “See? I was just thinking about my best friend and his sensitive stomach,” Eren said, grabbing the butter and jam for Armin’s toast and putting them on the counter.

                “Yeah, more like you were thinking about you and _your_ sensitive stomach,” Mikasa retorted, but with no real venom.

                Eren and Armin both laughed. Eren cut his laugh short and clutched his head, regretting his decision to keep drinking long after he was already drunk last night. “Yeah, maybe. But everyone’s happy now right? No harm done.” The toast jumped from the toaster and Eren grabbed them with his fingertips. He dropped them onto the waiting plate with a yelp, exclaiming, “Ow, fuck! Those are hot.”

                “Well they _did_ just come out of the toaster, Eren,” Armin informed him. Eren stuck out his tongue at him and stepped back so he could prepare his toast the way he wanted.

                “Hey, guys?” Armin began with a  mouthful of toast. He swallowed and continued, “Can you do me a favour?”

                “Sure,” Eren said immediately. He took another scalding sip of coffee. His headache was starting to recede, though slowly and stubbornly.

                “Well, you know how I have that date tonight? I was wondering if you could help me pick out an outfit. I have no idea what to wear and…” he trailed off with a shrug, looking down at his socked feet.

                “We’d love to help you,” Mikasa said, though Eren suppressed a grimace. He loved Armin, he really did, but the thought of dressing him up to go on a date with the person he disliked most in this world was not his idea of a good time. He did his best to smile and he nodded, echoing Mikasa’s words.

                “Thanks. I really appreciate it.” Armin smiled shyly. “I want it to go well.”

                “It will,” Mikasa assured him confidently. Armin blushed at her confidence and took another bite of his breakfast. After he was done eating, the rest of the morning was spent trying to return the house to acceptable order. They returned the TV to its stand and emptied the fish tank into the garbage. Apparently it was Mikasa who found the tank while looking through the coat closet for hats – why they had needed hats none of them could remember – and Armin had lamented its emptiness. The tank had belonged to three goldfish a long time ago, named Maria, Rose, and Sina after the walls in AoT, but they had since died and the tank was left to collect dust behind the winter boots and boxes of old junk. Armin remembered that it was Eren who said they should fill it with new goldfish and when he came back with the box of crackers, both Mikasa and Armin had proclaimed his genius. This had, of course, been after two whole bottles of vodka and basically anything seemed genius.

                Once the house looked less like a tornado had ripped through it in the dead of night, they collapsed together on the couch bonelessly. It had been two in the afternoon when they woke up and now it was pushing four thirty, leaving only two and a half hours until Armin’s date. Once he realized the time, Armin leapt from the couch and put his hands on his cheeks like a stereotypical surprised cartoon character. He tangled his fingers in his blond hair with worry and started mumbling to himself about not having enough time to get ready.

                “Hey, hey, it’s okay, Armin. You have plenty of time,” Eren soothed. He stood up and gently pulled Armin’s hands from his head and held them tightly. “Tonight’s going to be perfect. And if it isn’t I’ll break every single one of hor-Jean’s fingers.”

                Armin squeezed Eren fingers and nodded, but he still had a frazzled look in his eyes. “Come on,” Eren said, dropping one of Armin’s hands and leading (dragging) him by the other. “Let’s go get you ready for this date.”

                Together the three of them walked to Armin’s house and Eren led them up to Armin’s room. Mikasa shoved Armin toward the bathroom to shower while Eren started digging through his closet and drawers. He pulled out a few pairs of jeans, a few shirts, and some dark dress pants he found in the back of his closet and laid them out on the bed. Armin’s style was usually simple, just some dark jeans and a few layers for the top. He always looked nice, but Eren was guessing he wanted to look better than “nice” for his first date. Eren did his best to forget the person for whom Armin wanted to look nice so that he wouldn’t “accidentally” sabotage the whole thing by telling Armin to wear something hideous.

                Armin ended up trying on almost everything he owned. Every outfit he tried Eren vetoed, Mikasa made a face at, or Armin hated. Finally Mikasa pulled a plain brown sweater from the closet floor and held it out. Armin frowned and Eren instantly insisted that they must have a better option than a sweater from the bottom of Armin’s closet.

                “What do we have to lose? Just try it on, Armin.” She thrust the sweater at him and he reluctantly pulled it over his head. He straightened it and turned to them, holding out his arms for them to judge. Eren gaped. It actually looked…good. The sweater fit him perfectly, hugging his shoulders in the right places and emphasizing the shape of his hips. With the jeans he currently had on, they looked the perfect balance between I-actually-put-effort-into-my-outfit and I’m-trying-too-hard. The sweater was made of a creamy wool, which Eren hadn’t noticed until Armin put it on, and it looked comfortable. From the way Armin was rubbing the sleeve in wonder affirmed that it was as soft as it looked. It also helped that Armin looked really good in brown for some reason.

                Eren whistled. “Wow. I did not see that coming.”

                “What does it look bad?” Armin asked, pulling at the hem. He started to pull it off.

                “No! No, it doesn’t. At all. Here, look.” Eren spun him around so that he faced the mirror.  Armin’s eyes widened and he brushed his hands down the sides of the sweater.

                “Oh.”

                “Yeah,” Eren affirmed.

                “Just one more thing,” Mikasa said. She stepped forward and wrapped a tasteful dark green scarf around Armin’s neck. Eren couldn’t say he was surprised that the addition was a scarf, since Mikasa never seemed to take off her own red one he had given her when they were kids, but he was surprised that Mikasa had such good taste. Armin looked stylish, effortlessly so. He looked hot, if Eren was being completely honest with himself.

                “Wow. Way to go, Mikasa,” Eren said, thoroughly impressed. “Maybe I should ask you to pick out my clothes some time.”

                Armin laughed self consciously. “Do I seriously look that good?”

                “Seriously. Jean’s not going to know what hit him,” Eren replied sincerely.

                “Do you want us to stay with you until Jean gets here or do you want us to go?” Mikasa asked.

                Armin shook his head and said that they could go if they wanted. “Not that I’m kicking you out! I just mean that I can wait on my own…if you have other things to do.”

                Eren smiled. “Sure thing, Armin. See you tomorrow!” He and Mikasa made their way back home and fought his conflicting emotions. He wanted Armin to be happy and Jean seemed to turn him into a lovesick puppy. For that reason he wanted to like the guy, but he just couldn’t reconcile Armin’s description of him with his own experience with Jean. He resolved to try, for Armin’s sake. Once they got in the house, Mikasa immediately disappeared into her room and Eren heard her on the phone again. This time his curiosity was more than piqued and he listened at the door to hear what she was saying, forgetting his earlier resolve to stay out of his sister’s business.

                “I’m not doing anything tonight, if you want to go have coffee. Or dinner.” There was a pause. “That sounds good. See you there.”

                Eren moved away from the door just in time. Mikasa opened it and stepped out, freezing when she saw him standing there.

                “I’m going out for a while,” she told him. “I’ll be back before eleven probably, but don’t wait up if I’m late.”

                Eren was bewildered. “You have a date?” he asked incredulously, following her down the hall.

                Mikasa blushed faintly. “I-it’s not a date. It’s just dinner.”

                Why did both of his friends have dates while he was left home alone, most likely to play more AoT and waste another night of his life doing absolutely nothing? This person Mikasa was having dinner with must be someone special though, if she was blushing over them and running to her room to call them every chance she got. Eren had never seen her show interest in anyone before. In fact, Armin had guessed that she might be asexual and Eren had agreed. Then again, she _did_ say it was just dinner. But then…why was she still blushing? And why was she rushing to get ready?

                “Are you putting on eyeliner?” Mikasa had left the bathroom door open while she rustled through the drawers for make-up and hair product. She was actually putting effort into her appearance. Eren was dumbstruck.

                “It’s not a big deal. It’s just eyeliner,” she said dismissively. She shut the door and Eren walked slowly back to his room, still pondering his sister’s strange behaviour. He closed the door behind him and sat on his bed. Once he was alone in his room, however, the sudden acknowledgment of the pain in his wings made him forget about everything else entirely. He had had the bindings on for over twenty-four hours and he felt like he was going to die if he didn’t get them free _now_. He ripped off his sweatshirt and yanked at the bandages desperately. He stood and wrestled with the bandages, forgetting completely that he could easily unwind them rather than attempting to claw them off. The pain had been in the back of his mind all day, but he’d had other things on his mind to distract him. It was like having the vague need to pee and then seeing a restroom and realizing that you were going to piss yourself if you didn’t get there fast enough.

                His wings burst free in a loud rustle of feathers and the popping of joints. He groaned in relief and pain, instinctively trying to stretch both wings at once. One of them smacked into the wall, knocking down a poster, and the other hit the window. He winced and pulled them back in. He moved to his usual corner and stretched them out one at a time, noting with more than a fair amount of disgust that they looked the worst they had ever looked, even since the first day he had them. They were rumpled and bloody, the feathers falling out in clumps and the muscles shaking with fatigue and weakness. They ached terribly and stretching them out was excruciating, but Eren couldn’t bear to fold them again. He wished he could stretch them out fully, give them a chance to rest from the abuse they had borne.

                Randomly, he thought about the pond. It was a secluded place in the park a few blocks from his house. The three of them used to go there when they were kids and explore the woods around the small pond, looking for frogs and toads, playing cops and robbers. They used to swim in the pond until they one day realized how disgusting it was. From then on they just went and sat at the water’s edge, talking and skipping stones and sharing secrets. They hadn’t been there in forever though, at least two or three years. Eren couldn’t remember. He thought it would be the perfect place for him to spread his wings without anyone seeing.

                Thus inspired and firmly determined, he folded his wings against his back as best he could without bandages and pulled his sweatshirt back on. He ran out into the hall and clattered down the stairs. There was no sign of Mikasa so he assumed she had already left, which was fortunate because he was running like a madman for the door, blinded by the newfound urgency to spread his wings. It never occurred to him that his old secret hideout could have become a refuge for another in the years since he had last visited it. He only thought of the relief he would feel once he could soothe the aching in his new limbs.

                He shoved his feet in his shoes and bolted out the door, just barely remembering to lock it behind him. He didn’t even grab his cell phone or his wallet before he left, so single minded was his focus. He ran down the icy sidewalks in the direction of the park, not particularly caring if anyone saw him and thought he was crazy for running in this weather. At least he was wearing sweatpants, which were far more suitable running attire than jeans. He probably just looked like a runner out for a wintry jog to the park. Unless of course they saw the feathers sticking out from the bottom of his sweatshirt like an avian tail.

                The sun was already set and the streetlamps cast yellowish orange light upon his path. He cursed himself for not bringing a flashlight. The pond was not a place that was easily found, even in daylight. If one didn’t know it existed, it would never be discovered. The only reason Eren and his friends had found it was luck, childish curiosity, and a complete disregard of their own personal safety. The way to the pond involved fighting brambles, climbing over a huge boulder, weaving through trees, and finally crawling under the hanging leaves a weeping willow. Since it was winter, a lot of those obstacles would be less difficult, but the brambles would still have thorns and the boulder would be especially treacherous covered in ice and snow.

                Eren still knew the route by heart, however, and he was soon at the boulder without need of a flashlight. He slipped a few times, his fingers frozen and numb, but he eventually made it to the top and slid down the other side. The boulder was much smaller than he remembered it, but he supposed that he had grown and it had not. Ten more minutes of blind stumbling later and Eren finally reached the bare hanging branches of the willow, its long fingers scraping the snow in the night wind. He pushed past them into the open air around the pond and looked around in wonder at his old haunt. It was exactly as he remembered it, and it wasn’t.

                The pond was just as perfectly round and covered in ice, the reeds that grew along the side in clumps were still tall and brown, the sky above was clear and full of stars. He had always loved the view of the night sky from here. The place was smaller than he remembered, just like the boulder. The ice was thinner. The feeling of freedom and peace he used to find here was gone. Or maybe that was just him. Some of his urgency had left him along the way and now he walked slowly to the edge of the water. The world was silent, as if the pond was its own private bubble away from everything. He couldn’t hear cars or people, only the sound of his own breath, harsh and fast, and his heartbeat in his ears.

                He pulled his sweatshirt over his head and shivered in the cold that attacked his skin like needles. The moon was bright tonight and where the woods had been dark, here light reflected off the icy pond to illuminate Eren’s body in a pale glow. He could see the tips of his wings as he spread them as wide as they would go, relishing the freedom he was rediscovering in this place. He breathed deeply, the sharp smell of winter stinging his nose, and let it out in a steam of breath. His shoulders relaxed and he felt more at peace with his wings than ever.

                An abrupt snap of a twig and quick intake of breath alerted Eren to the fact that he was not alone at the pond. He whirled around, his wings spraying feathers like drops of water, and stepped back. His heel crunched in the thin edge of the ice and he raised his arms in front of his face as though to protect himself. Terror seized him and he was caught between fight and flight.

                “Eren?”


	10. You Are Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Night is the perfect time to tell secrets, hidden from the bright light of day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter, sorry. Hope you like it :)

                “What the fuck?” Levi breathed. He was standing a mere ten feet away, half hidden in the trees. How Eren had missed him standing there, he had no idea. The moonlight reflected off his face in shadows, emphasizing his left eye, his nose, his chin. He was frozen in shock and, Eren was sure, revulsion.

                “Levi?” Eren exclaimed. His heart leapt into fervent action, spiking his blood with sharp adrenaline. He was sure that he was having a nightmare right now. He was asleep and in a moment he would wake up in a cold sweat to find himself alone in his room. There was no way that Levi Fucking Ackerman was standing in front of him, staring at his exposed wings.

                “What the hell…are _those_?” Eren knew exactly what he meant, but for some reason his brain decided that the best course of action was to feign ignorance.

                “What are what?” he asked hesitantly. His hands were still raised slightly in front of him, as though he were afraid Levi would suddenly jump at him and attack.

                “Don’t be stupid,” Levi snapped. “Those…those… _wings_ , I guess. Holy shit. Did I fall and hit my head on the way here? Because this is seriously fucked up.”

                Eren cringed. Just as he suspected, Levi was repulsed by his wings. Who wouldn’t be? Still, it hurt more than he thought it would to see his own feelings reflected on Levi’s face. “Please,” Eren begged, “don’t tell anyone. Please just forget you saw this. Pretend it was a dream or something…a-a nightmare. Just, please, this has to be a secret.”

                As Eren pleaded for his life, he slowly crouched and picked up his discarded sweatshirt. He pulled his wings tightly against his back, ignoring the powerful waves of pain that surged through them. He slowly edged backward toward his exit. He had no idea where Levi had come from, but he obviously had a different path than Eren given that he came from a good twenty feet to the left of the trail Eren knew. Levi followed his movement with his eyes, but didn’t seem to understand what he was doing until Eren turned and started to duck under the willow branches. Eren just wanted to run away and never look back.

                “Oi! Where do you think you’re going, Jaeger?”

                Eren instinctually spun around at Levi’s sharp tone. “What?”

                “You can’t just tell me to forget about what happened and then run away. I think you owe me an explanation.” His tone was firm and unrelenting, so similar to Mikasa’s that Eren felt his limbs move against his will to obey like a guilty child. He stepped forward out of the clutches of the willow and into the moonlight, looking at the ground away from Levi. He was afraid of what he would do, what he would say. Would he call him a freak? Would he be (more) revolted when he saw the condition his wings were in? The possibilities ran through Eren’s mind until he felt like he could go crazy with them.

                “Well?” Levi crossed his arms, waiting.

                Eren shrugged but didn’t look up. His wings twitched against his back and ached to be let loose again. He could tell he had really damaged them this time and unless he had his bandages, he couldn’t keep them tamed much longer. The muscles quivered but he held fast, determined not to scare Levi more than he already had. _So much for confessing my feelings_ , came the bitter, errant thought to Eren’s mind. He would be lucky if Levi didn’t report him to the same feds that had taken that other creature in the park. Now that Eren thought about it, this was the same park from the news. He cursed himself doubly for his stupidity. How could he have thought it safe to come here? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

                Levi sighed. “I’m not going to hurt you, kid. Or tell anyone. But I would like to know why I show up at my private thinking spot to find you with giant ass black wings the size of this fucking pond.”

                Eren looked up in surprise. He wasn’t going to report him? Relief washed through him. That still didn’t mean Levi didn’t think he was a freak, but it was something at least and Eren was grateful. From the look on Levi’s face, however, he knew that he couldn’t get out of this without giving him some explanation. Except he didn’t have one himself. “I-I don’t know where to start,” Eren admitted. “It’s pretty new to me too.”

                Levi moved over to a large flat rock by the pond and brushed the snow off with a gloved hand. He sat down and indicated to the spot next to him. “Start at the beginning then.”

                Eren stared at him with wide eyes. Levi...wasn’t running away from him. He wasn’t screaming that he was a monster or that his wings were loathsome and vile. He wanted him to sit next to him, to tell him the whole story. For a moment Eren was so moved that tears welled in his eyes and he had to cough and focus on his footsteps against snow to prevent them from falling. He sat gingerly next to Levi, as far away as he could on the small rock, and twisted his sweatshirt in his hands.

                He cleared his throat and shifted. After a moment, he hesitantly began, “Um, well it started a few days ago. My back was kind of bothering me on Tuesday and then Wednesday night it was awful. Then I sort of just…woke up with them and…yeah.” He trailed off awkwardly. He wasn’t very good at explaining things on a good day and this was something he hadn’t even come to terms with himself. Levi just waited patiently next to him, leaning back on his hands and watching Eren’s face. Eren had expected him to immediately launch into questions about how he woke up with them or why, but he just gave Eren the space, and the silence, he needed to gather himself and continue. Eren took a deep shuddering breath and haltingly began his story.

                Eren told him about how awful they were that first morning and about binding them to his back. He told him about how weak they were and about the feathers that always fell out. He was constantly paranoid that a feather would drop without him noticing and someone would see it, so he was always looking at the ground behind him, checking the bathroom multiple times a day for stray feathers. He told him the real reason he fainted at Hanji’s house and all his fears about secret government testing facilities and about no longer being human. He even told him about the nightmares he’d been having about feathers and drowning. Once he started, he was surprised at how easy it was to just keep spilling everything he had been bottling up the past week. It helped that Levi was a good listener. Finally Eren told him about how he had kept his wings bound for so long that he was pretty sure he had caused permanent damage, which was why he had come here to spread them out and hopefully relieve some of the pain.

                As he spoke he slowly, unconsciously relaxed his wings until they stretched across the ground behind them. If he wanted to, he could wrap them around both himself and Levi, shielding them from the cold and from the rest of the world. The thought didn’t cross his mind, however. In fact, he hardly noticed that his wings were no longer held tightly to himself, instead worrying about Levi’s reaction to his story.

                “Show me,” Levi said after a moment. “Let me see them.”

                Eren stood nervously, his wings scraping against the rock, and backed into the brightest patch of moonlight he saw. Again he found it difficult to look Levi in the face so instead he stared at the space of rock he had just vacated willing himself not to throw up. With agonizing slowness he lifted his wings as they had been when Levi first saw them. At their full length they spread halfway across the pond on one side and partially into the trees on the other. Eren was acutely aware of every bare patch where the feathers had fallen out and of every spot of dried blood. He was sure that Levi had to see how bad they looked, even in the dim light.

                “Not bad,” Levi muttered, almost to himself. Eren wasn’t sure he heard right. It had sounded suspiciously like a compliment and Eren was positive it couldn’t have been about his wings, not the gigantic, ugly deformities protruding from his back.

                Levi stood, never taking his eyes off Eren’s wings, and walked deliberately forward, his palms held up like he was approaching a wild animal. When he was directly in front of Eren’s right wing he stopped and looked at Eren’s face. His hands were mere centimetres from the black feathers and his eyes asked the question that his mouth didn’t: _may I?_ Eren nodded mutely and his wings shivered. He had long forgotten to be cold.

                Levi gingerly brushed his fingertips over the feathers just beneath his hand. His eyes were wide with curiosity and awe. His hands began to roam Eren’s wing, reaching up to skim the top, straightening crooked feathers, lingering over the wounded sections. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes when he saw how damaged they were, though there was none of the revulsion that Eren had expected.

                “You should have taken better care of them, brat,” Levi scolded as he eyed a particularly bad section. “And what’s this? Did you fucking cut them?” He had reached the tip of the wing, which Eren had folded in so that he didn’t have to step out onto the ice, and he saw where Eren had taken scissors to it so that it would fit under his sweatshirt.

                “They wouldn’t fit,” Eren said in a small voice. Levi tch’d and shook his head. He fell silent again as he moved to inspect the other wing. He made the same “tch” noise when he saw that Eren had done the same on the left side but didn’t rebuke him further. Eren was still amazed that Levi was willing to be this close to him, to his wings, after learning the truth. Surely he was in shock and the horror would come in a moment as some sort of delayed reaction.  

                When Levi was done he stepped back and sat on the rock again, taking in Eren’s whole wingspan. “Damn those are some huge ass wings. Have you tried to fly?”

                Eren lifted his wings above his head and brought them down in a small gust of wind. “No,” he admitted. “They wouldn’t hold me. I can barely keep them up on their own. They hurt like a bitch all the time.”

                “Quelle surprise,” Levi said dryly. The French surprised Eren so much that he almost forgave the sardonic admonition. He hadn’t thought about the fact that it could be his own fault his wings were so weak and painful. He had been so focused on the fact that he _had_ the damn things and that he wanted to get rid of them, to at least hide them from the world, that he didn’t even consider taking proper care of them.

                “I never wanted these things!” Eren cried angrily. “It’s not my fault I haven’t taken care of them! I just woke up with fucking feathers everywhere and _wings_ that knock shit off my desk and hit the walls and make showering a nightmare. And if I don’t hide them, what then? Do I just show up to school with my wings trailing behind me like nothing’s wrong? Nothing’s weird about a kid with gigantic black wings sitting in biology. Just the resident monster, here to take his algebra test. Make room for the freak with wings in the hallway.” Eren was starting to get hysterical towards the end of his rant and tears flowed down his cheeks. He was shaking and starting to sob, his voice hitching up higher and higher as he continued, “And then that stupid news report the other day. I mean, what if there are more like me? What if I’m already an experiment and they’re monitoring me or coming for me to do more tests or whatever? God, I feel so paranoid now. Every black van I see makes me jumpy and nervous and – god, I hate this so much. Why did this have to happen to me? I mean, it’s just not _fair_.”

                Levi was now in front of him with his hands reaching out to touch him, but holding back at the last second, unsure. “First of all,” he said firmly, “you are not a monster. You’re just a pain in the ass freshman who happens to have wings.” Eren huffed a tear choked laugh. “Secondly, do you know how many people would kill to have wings like you have? You are living someone’s wet dream.”

                “It feels more like a nightmare,” Eren muttered stubbornly, but his sobs had subsided slightly and his body wasn’t shaking so hard, though tears and snot were still falling freely.

                “I know. But it’s going to be okay, kid, I promise.” Levi gave in and held Eren’s arms above the elbow, commanding his attention. “And you’re not alone anymore. I won’t let the feds take you away in a black van, alright? Besides, I doubt that your black belt sister would let anything happen to you either, whether she knew about your wings or not.”

                In spite of himself Eren felt comforted by Levi’s words. He already felt better for having spilled all the stress and worry he had been feeling to Levi and now he didn’t feel so alone. He was no longer drowning, but treading water and following Levi’s voice to a possible shore.

                “Jeez, kid, you’re freezing.” Levi rubbed his hands up and down Eren’s arms. Eren was suddenly reminded of the fact that it was below freezing and he was standing half naked in the snow. He wrapped his arms around his chest and shivered violently. Instinctively he pulled his wings closer to him, half shielding him from the light wind sweeping over the pond.

                “Come on,” Levi said. “I’m taking you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Food for thought:  
> -What is a secret when it is no longer secret?  
> -Dangerous.


	11. Monsters and Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi washes Eren's wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it. – Caitlyn Siehl

   The walk through the woods was quiet and Eren could almost hear the snow as it began to fall from the sky in fat, white flakes. Their feet crunched against the sidewalk as they followed Levi’s path, which led out into a street unfamiliar to Eren. He was hopeless with direction and he relied on Levi to guide him home.

Before they exited the trees Eren forced his sweatshirt back over his wings. Levi watched him wince and struggle impassively before finally taking pity on him and helping the stubborn fabric slide over his wings with minimal damage. Levi’s hands brushed over the feathers as he did so and he seemed fascinated by the way they folded.

“I was wondering how you hid these things. I didn’t even notice anything when you were at Hanji’s.”

Eren just shrugged self-consciously and adjusted his hood so that it wasn’t bunched up at his neck. They started walking again and the swirling snow in the light of the street lamps was like something out of a painting. The stars were mostly swallowed by the yellow-orange light, but the moon was still as bright as it had been by the pond and Eren could see the faint pink on Levi’s cheeks from the cold. He still couldn’t believe that Levi had accepted him so easily. He had been surprised, obviously, and taken off guard, but he hadn’t shunned Eren or freaked out in any other way. Then again, Levi was really good at hiding his emotions, so there was still a chance that he was panicking inside and wanting to get away from Eren as soon as possible. After a few moments they turned onto a street Eren finally recognized and he steeled himself to say good-bye. He was sure Levi was just trying to be nice by walking him home, just has he was just being nice when he listened to Eren spill his heart by the pond. Levi would want to get rid of him as soon as possible and never see him again, inevitable cross-hallway sightings at school excluded.

“Hey, Levi?” Eren started. Levi hummed a low response to show he was listening. “I know where we are now, if you want to head home or whatever. You don’t have to walk me all the way.”

“I said I was going to take you home, brat, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

“Yeah, but...well, I just thought that you might not...I don’t know. I mean, I know you probably don’t...you know...” Eren was frustrated by his own inability to express his thoughts. He was trying to give Levi an out but he was just stumbling through his words, saying nothing at all.

“You think I’m scared of you or something, now that I’ve seen your wings? Is that it?” Levi finally looked over at him with hard eyes.

“No! Maybe. I mean, I don’t think you’d be scared of anything. I just thought you were trying to be nice or whatever and take me home. But I know that you probably don’t want to...to be around me now so...” Eren kicked at the snow with his feet, not looking at Levi.

“Why would I not want to be around you?” Levi sounded honestly confused.

Eren looked at him incredulously. “You know why!” he almost shouted. He lowered his voice with effort. “You know why. I-I’m – ”

“No,” Levi cut him off sharply. He stopped dead on the sidewalk and grabbed Eren’s arm forcefully. “No. I told you. You’re not a monster or a freak or whatever you’re thinking. So stop. I’m taking you home and I’m cleaning your wings because you obviously can’t even take care of yourself, shitty brat.”

Eren’s eyes widened. At every turn Levi kept surprising him. “You mean...you actually... I thought...”

“You think I just walk anyone home, kid? Because my charming and warm personality tells you that I often let brats like you cry on my shoulder and then I walk them home like the gentleman I am? Tch.” He turned and started walking again.

Eren was momentarily rooted to the spot. “I didn’t cry on your shoulder,” he muttered indignantly. But Levi was already a yard ahead and didn’t hear him, or at least he didn’t give any indication that he had heard. Eren hurried to catch up. He had run out of explanations and the only thing that was left was the fact the Levi actually believed what he had told him. He truly didn’t think any less of Eren for being...whatever he was. Warmth filled his chest and spread to his fingers and down to his toes. For a moment he was certain that if he spread his wings he could float, rather than fly, spiralling into the clouds. Levi accepted him. Levi didn’t think he was a monster. He grinned to himself and practically skipped the last few steps to Levi’s side.

A few streets away from his house Eren took the lead, since Levi only vaguely knew where he lived. He was still smiling when he opened the door and led Levi into the entryway. He toed off his shoes and shoved them against the wall where he always kept them, but Levi actually knelt down and unlaced his boots before placing them neatly against the wall. He straightened Eren’s shoes too. Eren was suddenly thankful that they had cleaned up this morning, though the house was still far from spotless. Levi barely glanced around at the house before looking back at Eren. Though he was worried Levi would think he and Mikasa were slobs for the lacklustre cleaning the house routinely received, he was overwhelmed by the fact that _Levi_ was standing in his house. He’d had a crush on Levi since...forever. Eren had first seen him when he was in fifth grade and Levi was in eighth, and he knew right then beyond a shadow of a doubt that he liked boys. It was a few years until Eren understood the significance of this, but he would never forget that the first time he ever liked a boy it was Levi who had caught his eye. Levi was even smaller back then, but still as stoic and tough. He was as cool as every eighth grader wished he could be, at least to Eren’s eyes. To see him in his house now, even after everything that had happened, was a childhood dream come true. When Levi saw Eren’s dopey smile he huffed and crossed his arms.

“What are you so happy about, brat?” Eren only smiled wider and shook his head.

“Nothing.” He shrugged. He took Levi’s coat and hung it up in the coat closet above the newly emptied fish tank while Levi wandered into the living room and glanced around with a strange sort of bored curiosity.

“Where is everyone?”

“Hmm?” Eren asked absently. His wings were begging to be freed again so he was trying to remove his sweatshirt, a task that was proving more difficult than usual. Because he sucked.

“The house is empty,” Levi explained. “It’s almost midnight. Where is everyone?”

Eren managed to get the sweatshirt off finally and he joined Levi in the living room, bare chested. “Oh. Well Mikasa had a date so...it’s just us.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. Much to Eren’s dismay, he looked entirely unruffled by Eren’s sudden half-nakedness. Then again, he had just sat with him for a couple hours while he was shirtless. Besides, his massive wings were much better at drawing attention than the rest of his, admittedly toned, body.

“What about your parents? I didn’t know you and Mikasa lived alone.”

Eren grimaced and looked at the ground, his good mood deflating. “My mom’s dead,” he said curtly. “And my dad...well...he’s not here.” He shuffled his wings unconsciously and they came round to partially shield him from Levi’s view. When he noticed, he quickly shoved them back and drew them as tightly as he could bear to his back.

“I know something about shit dads,” Levi said. Eren was surprised by the hard edge to Levi’s tone. “It sucks.” Eren could only nod in response. After a moment, Levi seemed to rouse himself from whatever memory had overtaken him and he gestured to Eren’s wings, which were sticking out on either side of Eren’s body.

“Let’s get on with it then,” he said shortly. Eren led him to the upstairs bathroom, feeling oddly shy. He knew that Levi had offered to help him clean his wings, but now that the moment was actually here, he didn’t know how to handle it. His wings were his secret and Levi cleaning them would feel intimate and strange, less like baring his soul by the pond and more like sharing a private moment between lovers.

Eren went in and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, not knowing where Levi wanted him. Levi looked around and decided that Eren should sit on the edge of the tub. The showerhead was detachable, meaning that it would be easier for Levi to reach Eren’s wings. He picked up a few of the bottles of soap and shampoo that cluttered the shelves and the corners of the tub, reading the labels. He seemed completely at ease, as if coming over to wash Eren’s wings was an everyday occurrence. Eren was calmed by his nonchalance; he cautiously let his wings relax and soon the tub was filled with them. It looked like a pile of feathers had been dumped haphazardly into the bath. Levi rejected all the soaps and shampoos, placing them back neatly on their shelves, and left the room. Eren sat alone in the bathroom, wondering where Levi had gone, and absently played with a part of his wing that didn’t quite fit in the tub. He dragged his fingers through the feathers and straightened to lie flat. They were surprisingly soft.

Finally Levi came back with a bottle of dish soap from the kitchen. Eren raised his eyebrows but didn’t question him. At least until he started stripping.

“Uh, Levi?” Eren asked, staring as Levi peeled off his shirt, revealing his incredibly muscular stomach and chest. Eren swallowed against the dryness in his throat and hoped that he wouldn’t pop a boner right now, in front of Levi. He adjusted his position just in case.

“What?” Levi asked, folding his shirt and placing it on the closed toilet lid.

“Um, what are you doing?”

“What do you mean? I said I’d clean your wings, didn’t I?” He was close to Eren now, having moved so that he could reach the water nozzle, and it took all of Eren’s self control to not reach out and touch those gorgeous muscles so tantalizingly close to his fingers.

“Yeah.” Eren cleared his throat. “I just meant...” he trailed off and gestured vaguely to Levi’s chest.

“What does it matter?” Levi demanded, stretching over Eren to turn on the water. Eren flinched at the cold burst of water that hit his wings and his feathers splashed water everywhere. “ _That_ is why I didn’t want to be wearing my shirt for this. I didn’t want it to get wet.” He brushed droplets from his stomach with the back of his hand.

Oh. Right. Eren swallowed again and tried to relax as Levi worked around him to get to his feathers. After a few minutes of struggling, Levi grunted and shut off the water. He stepped back and told Eren to stand up.

“Take off your pants.”

“What!?” Eren blanched.

“I can’t get to your wings like this. I need you to get in the shower like you normally do.”

Eren stared at Levi disbelievingly, but Levi’s face told him that he was dead serious. Eren shook his head, but slid his sweatpants down to his ankles and kicked them off. He took off his socks and tossed them behind the pants. They landed in the corner next to the door and Levi looked at Eren like he was a heathen that needed to be taught civilised ways. Eren kept his boxers on and stepped into the shower. To his surprise Levi also took off his jeans and stood in his boxers in front of the tub. Eren tried very, very hard not to look at the clear outline of Levi’s dick and failed. He wasn’t as long as Eren, but he was thicker and Eren desperately fought against the fantasies that tugged at the edge of his mind. Luckily, he was more successful in willing his erection to stay down, though only marginally. The new wave of cold water over his body helped tremendously on that front and he shivered. Levi apologised and adjusted the temperature of the water. He put his hands on Eren’s shoulders and guided him to turn around so that he could get to his wings.

Now that he had better access, Levi liberally applied dish soap to Eren’s wings and worked his fingers deep into the feathers, massaging and cleaning every inch thoroughly. It felt so good that before Levi was halfway done with the first wing Eren wanted to collapse bonelessly to the floor. As it was, he couldn’t keep back the moans of appreciation as Levi reached a particularly sore spot and massaged it clean. He knew he was splashing water everywhere, but he no longer had control over his wings. They didn’t fit in the tub when stretched out all the way, and Levi had to keep moving him so that he could get to different parts of his wing without spraying water outside the bath. Levi found a knot of muscle underneath the second joint and he spent an extra minute on that section, pushing and rubbing until the knot released. Eren leaned his head against the cool tile wall of the shower and bit back another moan. God, it just felt so _good_. Eren was convinced that Levi’s fingers were magic.

By the time Levi got to Eren’s other wing, Eren was so far gone that he couldn’t hold back his moans if he tried. Levi’s fingers worked deep into the muscle and Eren felt like all of his pain drained away with the water. For once his wings weren’t torturing him, but giving him pleasure. He wanted to drown in the sensation of Levi’s hands on his wings, but too soon Levi reached the tip of his other wing and rinsed it. Eren sighed and didn’t move, feeling sated and relaxed. Levi put his hands on Eren’s shoulders again and bodily turned him around. Eren opened his mouth to protest, but stopped when he saw the look in Levi’s eyes.

Levi trailed his gaze down Eren’s body and Eren knew that it was hopeless to resist his erection this time, especially when he saw that he was not the only one who was hard. Levi slowly reached out to touch Eren’s stomach with his finger tips. His touch was light and Eren’s muscles jumped. Eren longed to touch back, but he was waiting. For what, he didn’t know. Permission? The right moment? Either way, he was focused on the intense look in Levi’s eyes as he dragged his fingers up Eren’s chest, chasing drops of water across his skin. Eren shivered, not with cold this time, and his fingers twitched. Levi reached Eren’s collarbone and suddenly slid his hands back down to Eren’s waist. He grabbed his hips and pulled himself between Eren’s legs and Eren gasped. Eren couldn’t resist any longer and he grabbed a fistful of Levi’s hair with one hand, the other winding around Levi’s waist to pull him even closer. Somewhere along the way Eren’s lips ended up on Levi’s, or Levi’s ended up on his, and they were kissing each other deep and hard and Eren never wanted to let go. His wings wrapped around Levi too, folding him in a dark embrace, and Eren let both hands drop to grab Levi’s ass and lift him so that he could have better access to his mouth. Levi wrapped his legs around Eren’s waist and one of his hands found its way to the nearest wing, embedding itself amidst the feathers. The other hand was in Eren’s hair, twisting and pulling and driving Eren to the edge of sanity.

The slide of Levi’s tongue against his and the taste of his mouth was better than Eren could ever have imagined. The kiss was sloppy and messy, full of biting and sucking and occasionally teeth would scrape teeth but it was the best goddamn kiss Eren had ever had. After what seemed like seconds, or hours, Levi pulled away, gasping. His mouth was red and slightly bruised from where Eren had nipped it with his teeth. His hair was dishevelled and he looked every inch like he had just been making out in a shower with Eren. Eren grinned at the sight.

“Don’t look so fucking cocky, brat,” he snapped, but the anger wasn’t there. “This is all your fault anyway, the way you were fucking moaning. Tch.”

Eren just squeezed Levi’s ass and kept grinning. “Thank you for washing my wings, Levi,” he said cheekily. Levi pushed at Eren’s shoulders and Eren released him so that he could stand on his own two feet. But Eren didn’t let him go. He tightened his wings’ embrace and pulled Levi forward so that he could bend down to kiss him again, this time sweeter and softer. After a moment he pulled away and put his lips next to Levi’s ear.

“And as for the kiss being my fault, I can’t say I mind,” Eren murmured. Levi shivered.

“Tch. Shitty brat,” Levi returned, but he was breathless and his one hand had yet to leave Eren’s wing. Eren kissed him again and this time he brazenly moved his hand to the front of Levi’s boxers and rubbed his palm against his cock.

“Hnng, wait, brat,” Levi gasped. “Not yet.”

Eren pulled his hand back and leaned his head back against the tile. “Too fast?”

Levi’s face was already a little pink from their impromptu make out session, but now his cheekbones were dusted red as he answered a muttered “yeah.” Eren pulled his wings back and folded them loosely against his back, his hand falling from Levi’s hip.

“Okay,” he said easily. It didn’t matter to him if they didn’t go any further; Levi had kissed him. He had just made out with Levi, in his bathtub, almost naked. He was on cloud nine.

“Thanks,” Levi said, a little awkwardly. He stepped out of the tub and reached for his jeans.

“Won’t those be uncomfortable? You know, commando?” Eren unfortunately knew exactly how it felt to wear jeans without underwear, since he was in charge of his own laundry and sometimes it didn’t exactly get done on time. Pulling them on over wet legs while also sporting a partial boner was even worse. “Come on, you can borrow some of my sweatpants or something.” He grabbed two towels from the linen closet opposite the sink and handed one to Levi, wrapping the other around his own waist.

Levi refolded his jeans and carried them and his shirt as he followed Eren down the hall. Eren was grateful yet again when he remembered that he had recently cleaned his room. There was no pile of filthy feathers in the closet or heaps of clothes everywhere. Even if it didn’t meet Levi’s standards of cleanliness, it was the cleanest it had been in months. Eren went straight for his dresser and pulled out two pairs of clean sweatpants. He tossed one pair to Levi and pulled his own boxers down beneath the cover of his towel. He pulled on the sweatpants and turned around to find Levi tying the drawstring of the pants as tight as they would go, the bottom of each leg rolled up several times so that he wouldn’t trip over the too-long hems.

Eren’s chest tightened at the sight of Levi wearing his clothes. “Adorable,” he muttered to himself. Levi apparently heard him though and he scowled up at Eren through his damp hair.

“Shut up, asshole. It’s not my fault you’re a fucking titan.”

Eren laughed. “Sorry. It’s true though. You look adorable.”

“Tch.” Levi kept scowling and pulled his shirt over his head. “Call me adorable one more time, brat, I swear to god.”

Eren knew better than to push it, so he kept quiet and only thought in his head how cute Levi looked wearing oversized clothes. He didn’t stop smiling though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just came across this fanart and I wanted to share. The wings are almost exactly what I'm picturing for Eren except they're white instead of black. It's a different fandom/ship, but for those of you who want a visual, this is pretty close.
> 
> http://fairyfoolishness.tumblr.com/post/84730824265


	12. Domino Effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once a secret is revealed, it is easier to tell another and another until you begin to wonder if it was ever really a secret at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one took so long. I've been busy moving into my new apartment and stuff so I haven't had a lot of time for writing. Plus, this chapter has been really stubborn.

Eren woke up feeling warm and happy, the way he imagined a cat felt lying in a patch of sun. One of his wings was draped over him like a blanket, the other stretched out over a pile of clothes next to him, which were warm from sleeping on them all night. He lay for a minute with his eyes closed, his dream coming to him foggily. He had gone to the pond. Levi had been there. Levi had seen his wings and then...he brought Eren home? A strange, niggling suspicion in the back of his brain told him that it wasn’t just a dream and Levi _had_ walked him home and washed Eren’s wings. He opened his eyes and examined his wing (now functioning as a feathery blanket). Yep, it was immaculately clean.

Suddenly the pile of clothes curled tighter into his side with a moan. Wait – not a pile of clothes. Eren sat up and Levi blindly reached one hand out to chase his wing that pulled away as Eren scrambled to the opposite side of the bed and promptly fell on his ass onto the floor.

“Ow. What the hell?” He rubbed his elbow where it had collided with the ground. Then he remembered. Last night, after the shower, he and Levi had stayed up talking into the night. They had mostly avoided the topic of Eren’s wings, since Eren wanted to talk about anything but those, until Eren finally found the nerve to ask Levi what had been on his mind all night.

_“Hey, Levi? Why...why did you offer to wash my wings? I mean, I know you said that you don’t mind about me being...whatever...but...still. You didn’t have to do that.”_

_“Tch, you think I don’t know that? I took pity on you. Plus...those are some damn cool wings.”_

_“Really?” Eren was stunned. He had never once thought of his wings as “cool”._

_“Yeah really,” Levi said. To make his point, he ran his fingers through Eren’s wing, which was laying across his lap. “They make me think of freedom. Like you could fly away and not be caged here. You could live free.” His voice was wistful now and he was intent on stroking Eren’s feathers. His words reflected Eren’s desires precisely and he stared at Levi in wonder._

_Eren couldn’t think of a reply, but he not-so-subtly gave Levi more of his wing to pet, blushing furiously as he did so._

He guessed that sometime during the night they had fallen asleep. Levi was still barely half-awake and he looked comfortable in Eren’s clothes, his hair a frightful mess from sleeping under Eren’s wing. A sudden knock on his door made Eren jump and Levi peered at him from the edge of the bed with squinted eyes.

“Who the fuck is knocking on your door at ass-o’clock, Jaeger?” he demanded, though the rasp of sleep ruined the menacing edge he was aiming for.

Mikasa’s voice answered for him. “Eren. You better not still be in bed. I don’t want to be late again.” Eren heard her footsteps fade down the hall and he rubbed his face vigorously, trying to wash away the last dregs of sleep.

“Um,” Eren said intelligently. “Shit.”

“Yeah. Shit,” Levi agreed, finally waking enough to look at the clock that was still beeping away. He slammed the top with the heel of his palm and it quieted. “That’s better. But, fuck, it’s nearly seven.” He groaned and dropped his head back on the pillow. Faintly Eren heard him mutter ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’ to himself. ‘Well done, Ackerman. Brilliant.’ Eren wasn’t sure if Levi thought he couldn’t hear him or if he just didn’t care, but he was obviously upset about waking up in Eren’s bed.

“Hey, it’s okay. I mean, it’s not like we did anything right?” Eren went into comforting mode. “Maybe you’ll be a little late, but you definitely have time to get home and change before school starts. If you don’t want Mikasa to see you, you could even sneak out the window or ─”

“Eren. Shut up.” Eren closed his mouth with an audible snap. Levi sighed and sat up. His hair was truly a wreck. Normally it was impeccably parted slightly to the side and lay straight down, as if no strand would _dare_ fall out of place.  Now one side was sticking up in an awesome cow lick and the other was ruffled and tangled in a strange poufy mess, probably from Eren’s feathers tangling with the strands in the middle of the night. Levi shook his head roughly and smoothed his hands down his hair. He ran his fingers through the tangles and, within moments, his hair was almost perfect again. Eren stared in awe.

“I don’t care if your sister sees me or not, and I am not sneaking out the fucking window.” He swung his legs over the side of the bed, though his feet didn’t quite touch the floor. “I need to call Hanji. Fuck.” Levi sighed again and walked over to his jeans, which were still folded neatly on Eren’s desk chair. Eren realised that he was still sitting on the floor where he had landed and he pulled himself onto his bed. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He should probably get ready for school, but he wasn’t sure if he needed a shower since he got one last night and he was already wearing the sweatpants he had planned to wear for today. All that was left was to bind his wings and put on his sweatshirt.

“GOOD MORNING, GRUMPY-PANTS!” Hanji’s voice came through the speakers of Levi’s phone as if she were standing in the room with them. “Where are you!? I came to pick you up and you weren’t home. Did you fall asleep at the park again? You know you shouldn’t do that. It snowed last night!”

“Hanji,” Levi interrupted. She kept talking so he tried again. “Hanji! I didn’t fall asleep at the pond. I’m at Eren’s.” He tensed after he said this, bracing himself.

There was a pause on the other line, then, “YOU’RE WITH EREN!? YOU WERE WITH EREN ALL NIGHT!? DID YOU FINALLY TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL? DID YOU HAVE SEX? IS MY BABY LEVI NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE?”

Eren studiously began searching for a sweatshirt to wear, hiding his face in his closet and pretending he didn’t hear any of Hanji’s words. Before he turned however, he saw that Levi’s cheeks had turned a pretty shade of pink.

“Shut up, shitty glasses,” he growled. “Just come pick me up and bring me some clean clothes.” He hung up and stood for a moment, muttering to himself about nosy shits with glasses and how he didn’t need enemies because he had the world’s most annoying best friend.

Eren had found a sweatshirt and he was now searching the floor for his bandages. He found them under his dresser of all places and pulled them out, shaking off the dust and wrinkling his nose. They were filthy. With a sigh he folded his wings to his back and straightened the length of cotton to begin binding them to his body.

“The fuck is that?” Levi’s sharp voice made Eren pause, his fingers frozen after wrapping the bandages only once around his torso.

“Um, you mean this?” Eren lifted the bandage slightly.

“I mean that nasty thing you’re putting on your body, yeah. Over the wings that I _just cleaned last night._ ”

“Oh. Um. I don’t know what else to use and...well, this is the only thing I have that will keep my wings from moving around and stuff and...” he trailed off as Levi took stepped toward him menacingly.

“No.” Levi snatched the dirty cotton from Eren’s hands and unwrapped it from around his wings and chest. “There has to be a better way. You will _not_ use this shitty thing. I won’t allow it.”

Eren gulped. “Okay. W-what should I use then?”

Levi frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. He glanced around the room for inspiration, but found none. “I wish you didn’t have to hide them at all...” he said softly to himself. Then he sighed. He didn’t speak for several minutes and Eren stood still, waiting for him to come to a conclusion.

“We’re not going to school today,” he announced suddenly.

“Wait, what?” It wasn’t that Eren particularly liked school, but he had never ditched it either. Though the idea of spending the day with Levi rather than in stuffy classrooms filled with people from whom he had to hide such a large secret did have a certain allure.

“You heard me. Put on your sweatshirt. Oh – is it okay if we tell Hanji? She may seem like a blabbermouth but she’s actually really good at keeping secrets.”

Eren didn’t know what to say. Yesterday no one knew about his secret ─ and he’d never wanted anyone to ─ and now Levi not only knew his secret but was helping him deal with it. Eren trusted him, but he was also terrified of more people finding out. Plus Hanji might want treat him like a specimen to be examined if she were to find out he had giant wings emerging from his back. He vacillated back and forth for a moment between trusting Levi’s judgement and giving in to his fear.

“All right,” he declared finally. “If you trust her, I trust her. Just don’t let her do any experiments on me.” He shuddered at the thought of Hanji coming at him with a needle.

“Don’t worry. If she tries anything, I’ll kick her ass.” Eren smiled at that.

“Oi, Eren! I called you twenty minutes ago! We’re going to be late!” Mikasa’s angry voice came through the closed door. Eren was again conflicted about what to do. He could open the door and tell Mikasa the truth, all of it, right now. He could show her his wings and tell her about everything that had happened in the past week. He could let her in, as he so desperately wanted to do. Or he could throw on a sweatshirt, open the door, and tell Mikasa _part_ of the truth. He could also lie to her outright, calling through the door that he didn’t feel well and that he was going to stay home. That would only worry her of course, but it might be better than freaking her out with his mutated body or making her angry that Levi had stayed over last night without her knowledge.

In a moment of reckless abandon Eren sprung forward and ripped open the door. Mikasa stood with her hand raised to knock on the door again, her mouth partially open. Eren stepped back and relaxed his wings, not so fully as to draw attention to them but enough to make them noticeable. To his surprise, the first thing Mikasa noticed was not his wings, but Levi standing behind him, wearing Eren’s shirt over his own jeans.

“Who are you?” She narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

“Levi. Nice to meet you too.” His tone was sarcastic and abrasive enough to put Mikasa on edge.

Mikasa turned her attention back to Eren, her tone accusing. “You didn’t tell me you were having someone over.”

“It was a last minute thing,” Eren explained. “Besides, you were out with your mystery date.”

“It wasn’t a date!” Mikasa blurted. “I mean, it was just dinner.” Her cheeks were a faint shade of pink. “Anyway, I don’t care if you did have sex with Levi I just would appreciate some warning if you’re going to have strange guys in the house in the morning.”

“We didn’t –“ Eren started to protest, but stopped when he saw her change in expression.

“What the hell?” Her voice was small, barely a whisper. She had caught sight of Eren’s wings finally and Eren could see his own reflection in her wide eyes. Eren shuffled his wings self-consciously and prayed for a favourable reaction. This was what he feared most, that those closest to him would hate him or fear him or think he was a freak. Every muscle in his body was tense and he felt himself start to sweat. When Mikasa still hadn’t spoken in over a minute, Eren really started to get scared. He pulled his wings tightly to himself and looked up from the floor, which had seemed suddenly interesting and less frightening than Mikasa’s pale, shocked face.

“Um, Mikasa? Say something.”

“Holy shit.” Her eyes were still wide but she seemed to have recovered herself somewhat. She took a step forward now and reached out a hand, similar to how Levi had done the previous night. “May I?” she asked looking at Eren’s face for the first time since she spotted his wings.

“Yeah, of course.” Eren stretched out his wings for her to touch. She ran her fingers lightly over the hard edge where the bone was covered by the smaller, downy feathers. She let her breath out through her mouth slowly.

“Wow,” she breathed. “How long have you kept this from me?”

“Since Wednesday,” he said honestly. “I wanted to tell you, Mikasa, I really did. But I...I couldn’t.” He looked down again, guiltily. He wished now that he hadn’t been so afraid. He should have trusted Mikasa. She had been there for him through everything, through his mother’s death, through all the fist fights and the loneliness. She was his most stalwart friend, alongside Armin.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered. “That you went through all this own your own. I wish you had come to me, but I understand why you didn’t. Thank you for telling me. For trusting me.”

“Mikasa.” Eren didn’t know what to say. Mikasa had understood immediately. He could tell from the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice that she knew just how difficult it had been for him, just in the short time she had known the truth. She truly was amazing.

“You knew about this?” Mikasa asked suddenly, turning to Levi. He didn’t flinch, though her gaze was intense.

“I just found out last night. And actually I was hoping to borrow Eren today, if you don’t mind.”

Mikasa didn’t like that. “Borrow him? What do you plan to do with him.”

“Mikasa, it’s not like that...” Eren tried to intervene, but neither Levi nor Mikasa were paying attention to him now, staring each other down like wolves.

“Yes, borrow him. As in he doesn’t go to school, he spends the day with me. And I’m not going to dissect him or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I wasn’t, but thanks for clarifying.” Mikasa’s expression was truly terrifying. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. He needs to go to school. He can’t afford to just miss class because _you_ felt like ‘borrowing’ him.”

“Look, Mikasa, I know you’re trying to protect him but he’s a big boy now. He can make his own decisions. I’m not going to hurt your precious little brother so just relax.”

“How am I supposed to know that? I’ve never seen you around before and now, after you find out my brother has these huge, interesting wings, you’re suddenly spending the night and trying to get him to skip school?”

“Tch, I’m glad to know you have such a high opinion of me. You don’t even know me,” Levi spat.

Eren resisted the urge to face palm. The pissing contest going on right now was entirely unnecessary and he had no idea how things had escalated so quickly. Mikasa had moved past him, stepping into the room and closer to Levi. She towered over him, though she herself was shorter than Eren, and she used her height to its full advantage. It also helped that she was wearing boots with small heels.

Eren felt like a kid whose parents were fighting while he stood by helplessly. He wished they would just stop for two seconds so he could explain that Levi wasn’t the opportunistic bastard Mikasa was making him out to be and Mikasa wasn’t always an overprotective mama bear. Besides, he was his own person, as Levi said, and he didn’t need _either_ of them making decisions for him.

“Guys!” He shouted, calling their attention. “I’m _right here_. Could you shut up for half a second and just stop being ridiculous? I don’t want to go to school today, Mikasa. And not just because I want to spend the day with Levi, but I’m so tired of hiding my wings all day. It hurts like a bitch and I just want one day where I don’t have to confine myself. I appreciate that you want to protect me, but Levi’s not the bad guy here so back off.” Both Levi and Mikasa were staring at him, though Levi looked a little smug that he was getting his way.

“Also,” he glared at both of them, “I am not something to be ‘borrowed’. You’re not my mother, Mikasa, and I’m not going to do something just because you tell me to, Levi. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m hungry and I need some coffee if we’re going to continue having these types of discussions this early in the morning.” He stomped off, leaving the two of them to stare after him, dumbfounded.

He angrily tossed two slices of bread in the toaster and pulled out a pan to make some eggs. He slammed the pan on the stove with more force than he intended and the shock of the loud bang it produced served to snap him out of his fit. He cracked a couple of eggs with more control and thought over his outburst. He knew he might have over reacted a bit, but he didn’t regret what he said. But he felt just badly enough to grab a few more pieces of bread to be toasted and add some more eggs to the pan. He wasn’t a complete jerk; he could make breakfast for everyone.

Some minutes later Levi and Mikasa appeared in the kitchen doorway. Mikasa looked humbled, but Levi’s face was impassive. Which meant that he was hiding how he felt, which meant that he also felt badly for the argument he’d had with Eren’s sister upstairs.

“Eren,” Mikasa started. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was trying to control you. I know I’m not your mom.” Her voice shook slightly and at once Eren felt lower than a worm. “I just know that you’re vulnerable right now and I was afraid Levi was trying to take advantage of you.” Levi made a small, indignant noise at this but Mikasa ignored him. “But if you trust him, I guess I won’t stop you from spending the day with him. Though I’ll still punch his face in if he does anything to you.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Levi returned. His response surprised Mikasa and they exchanged a look that, if Eren didn’t know better, bordered on mutual respect.

“I’m not mad at you,” Eren sighed. “I’m not mad at either of you.” The eggs had finished cooking so he distributed them onto three plates with the toast. “It was just weird that the two of you were fighting over me.”

“Tch, don’t be so full of yourself, brat,” Levi scoffed, but he looked relieved that Eren wasn’t angry at him.

“Well, we kind of were,” Mikasa objected. Levi shot her a glare.

“Enough, both of you. Here, I made breakfast.”

They all sat together at the kitchen table and ate the meal, which was simple but delicious. Eren was the type to actually put spices and a bit of milk in the eggs to make them fluffy and flavourful. Levi raised his eyebrows at the surprisingly well cooked meal, but didn’t comment. He did finish his entire plate though.

With Eren glaring at both of them whenever one would even _look_ like they were going to say something offensive, breakfast passed relatively peacefully. Mikasa and Levi were mostly over their differences, but they rubbed each other the wrong way and were more than a little antagonistic towards each other. Actually, it reminded Eren of fights between brother and sister.

In between bites, Eren told Mikasa the short version of his ordeal. She didn’t interrupt him even when he took long pauses or stopped to shove a piece of toast in his mouth. When he was done, she tapped her fingers thoughtfully against the table and stared at his still-exposed wings.

“You were right to hide them. People don’t understand things that are different. I don’t want to you get hurt.”

“He shouldn’t have to hide all the time though,” Levi protested. “It’s not like he’s some monster.”

“I didn’t say he was,” Mikasa replied coolly. “I’m just saying he needs to lie low and be careful.”

Neither Eren nor Levi could disagree, so they kept silent. After a moment Mikasa spoke again. “Can you fly?” Eren frowned and shook his head. Mikasa mirrored his frown and pondered the large appendages that spilled onto the kitchen floor. Levi had tried to get him to at least keep them off the dirty tile, but he kept forgetting and letting them loose. It was difficult to keep them tense all the time by his own strength.

“I think he will be able to eventually,” Levi said, startling Eren. Levi shrugged at Eren’s disbelieving expression. “You said they were weaker at first, right? Maybe eventually they’ll become strong enough that you’ll be able to fly. Especially if you don’t keep them cooped up all the time.”

Eren considered this. It was true that his wings had been growing marginally stronger each day. Maybe Levi was right. Again the possibility of flying away, of being free, floated to Eren’s mind. It was such an attractive notion, so close a dream that he could almost feel the wind on his face and the sun against his wings. He quickly snuffed the hope before it could consume him.

“I don’t know, Levi. They seem like pretty useless, inconvenient things. I don’t think they’ll ever be strong enough to –”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Bullshit. I know this whole thing has been sudden and it’s sucked, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be all terrible forever. You have wings, so what. Get over it.”

_Harsh._ Eren blinked at him, stunned. He wanted to get angry at him, to scream at him that he had no idea what it was like, but he also knew that he was right. He couldn’t keep wallowing in self pity forever. Yeah, he had never asked for these wings and no, he didn’t particularly want them. But that didn’t mean that he couldn’t enjoy them, at least a little bit. If he worked hard to strengthen them, if he didn’t abuse them and try his best to destroy them every chance he got, he might even be able to _fly_ and how fucking awesome would that be? He smiled gratefully at Levi, his eyes filled with newfound determination.

“Thank you, Levi. I really needed to hear that.”

“You’re welcome, brat. Now let’s go. Hanji just texted me that she’s outside.”


	13. Epiphanies are a bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tells Hanji about his wings and she forces him to realise something he wished he hadn't.
> 
>  
> 
> (Warning: fluff)
> 
> ((Ha ha, just kidding. More angst because I'm a shit human being who enjoys the suffering of fictional characters.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. I've been busy moving into my new apartment and starting classes and all that fun stuff. Hopefully things will settle down now and I'll be able to update more regularly.

                Hanji reacted exactly as expected, and then some. They didn’t tell her until they got back to her house, empty except for them, but it was like she sensed that they had a secret to tell her. The whole ride she bounced in her seat and kept badgering the two of them for information. She asked once if they were together now, which made Eren’s face turn the colour of a ripe tomato, but Levi’s sharp warning glare prevented Hanji from pursuing the topic further. Eren wished that she hadn’t chosen that specific moment to finally obey Levi; he also wanted to know the answer to her question. Did Levi truly like him? What was that last night? The more he thought about it the more it confused him and he didn’t know how to approach the conversation with Levi to find out what it all meant. Maybe he was reading too much into it anyway. Maybe it really was just a brief moment of lust, a lapse in judgment. The thought made his stomach sink to his toes, his heart shattering delicately like thin ice over cold water.

                “YOU WHAT!?” Hanji was practically vibrating with excitement in the middle of her living room, her hands clasped in front of her chest. Her eyes were wild and, frankly, terrifying and Eren couldn’t help the little step backward to avoid her ravenous enthusiasm. “HOLY SHIT! THIS IS AMAZING! SHOW ME! SHOWMESHOWMESHOWME!”

                “Take a chill pill, shitty glasses. You’re going to make him shit his pants.” Eren wanted to protest Levi’s words, but he just wanted Hanji to stop looking at him like an incredibly delicious steak she was about to eat.

                “Sorry, sorry,” she apologized quickly, though the look in her eyes didn’t change. “This is just so exciting! I mean, how did it happen? Are you a mutant? You must be, that’s a stupid question. Is it evolution? Or was this something artificial? The anticipation is killing me, Eren! Strip already!”

                Eren felt himself blushing again, but he slowly lifted his sweatshirt over his head, his wings loose and aching for the muscles to be released. He cautiously spread his wings as far as the four walls would allow and waited. He felt exposed, even more so than he had when Levi first saw him at the pond. This time the heart stopping terror wasn’t quite there, only a simmering anxiety and the uncomfortable feeling of standing half naked in front of another person.

                Shaking fingers hovered over his wings, barely touching the feathers. Hanji was close enough that he could feel her entire body thrumming with barely controlled curiosity. She kept whispering ‘awesome’ under her breath as she walked back and forth in front of him, examining his wings. She soon got over her trepidation of touching them, lifting them up and walking under them to get to the other side, bending them at the joints to see their movement, digging her fingers into the feathers to feel the muscle tone underneath. She asked Eren to lift them to the ceiling and hold them there for various lengths of time, testing their strength. Then she pushed down on the top of the wings while he pushed up, increasing pressure on both ends until Eren couldn’t lift his wings anymore. The whole ordeal left Eren feeling like a lab rat running through a maze. His wings were tired and sore from the poking and prodding and impromptu exercises, but Hanji looked like the cat who got the canary.

                “That’s enough, four eyes. I think the kid’s had enough,” Levi interrupted finally. He had been sitting in the corner of the couch, one arm stretched across the back and the other on the armrest. He seemed bored, incredibly so, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off Eren once while Hanji was examining him.

                Hanji pouted, but she backed off and Eren let his wings drop to the floor, not bothering to fold them. Levi watched them fall in a rustle of black feathers and made a face at seeing them on the ground, but he didn’t say anything and Eren didn’t bother trying to lift them up as he walked over to the couch, his wings dragging behind him. Since actually sitting on the couch would be near impossible, not to mention uncomfortable, with his oversized wings, he opted for the floor. He leaned his back against the couch and curled his wings partially around his body. They took up the space of two persons next to him, like shadow people.

                Hanji immediately launched into her questions. “So how did it happen? Was it painful? When did you first notice them? Can you fly? Do you have oil glands like birds do? How do you take care of them? Tell me everything.” Hanji had edged closer with every word until she was kneeling in front of Eren, her face inches from his.

                “Um, would you mind...” he gestured vaguely, trying to get her to back out of his personal space.

                “Oh, right! Sorry.” She backed up just enough that she was kneeling between his legs. “I just get excited and forget myself.” Levi scoffed at this, but Hanji ignored him.

                “It’s okay,” Eren assured her, though he was still a bit discomfited by her exuberance. “I guess I’ll start at the beginning then?” It was getting easier to tell the story now that he had already told it twice and he was more confident in his third telling of his experience. Hanji asked questions about everything, wanting every detail, and Eren had to stop his story every few sentences to explain something. Eventually though, Eren reached the end of his tale, his voice sore and slightly hoarse, and Hanji leaned back on her feet, staring at him as she considered everything he just said. After a few minutes her unfocused stare began to creep him out even more than her half-crazed excitement.

                “Uh, Hanji?” he asked cautiously. She suddenly came back to earth with a wide grin. She slapped the inside of Eren’s thigh, hard, and he jolted. He would have landed on Levi’s foot had he not deftly moved his leg out of Eren’s way at the last second.

                “Just thinking!” she said brightly. “Will you allow me to do some actual experiments, Eren? Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?” She batted her eyelashes and gave him her best puppy dog impression. Eren didn’t like the sound of ‘actual experiments’.

                “No,” Levi said immediately. He stood up, pushing Eren’s wings gently aside with his foot, and held out his hand to help Eren to his feet as well. Hanji pouted on the floor, not budging.

                “Come on, Levi. Just a few little, itty bitty experiments? It won’t hurt him, I promise. Please?” She turned her persuasive, innocent expression to Levi, but it had no effect.

                “No,” he repeated brusquely. He was keeping his promise to Eren, which was a relief because Eren didn’t think he would stand a chance against the crazy girl on his own. He followed gratefully behind as Levi led him to the kitchen, noting with surprise that it was past noon already. How had that happened?

                “You hungry, brat?”

                “Y-yeah, actually. Um, thanks.” Levi only grunted in response and Eren took that as acceptance of his gratitude. Hanji eventually trailed after them as Levi was pulling out some bread, peanut butter, and jelly for sandwiches. She was still pouting, but she brightened at the sight of food. Immediately, a large jar of white substance was added to the counter, its label reading ‘FLUFF’ in red letters.

                “What is that?” Eren couldn’t help but ask. Hanji stared at him dumbfounded and Levi sighed like Eren had just said the stupidest thing in existence.

                “Fluff? You’ve never heard of fluff? It is a wondrous gift given to us lowly humans from the gods of all things delicious. How have you lived this long and _not tasted fluff?!_ ” Eren shrugged helplessly at the bewildered Hanji and she started pulling out plates and knifes in a frenzy. “This has to be remedied immediately. This is unacceptable. _You’ve never had peanut butter and fluff sandwiches_ , you poor child.” She shook her head and began to put together this apparently wonderful creation. Eren watched in fascination as she spread the airy, white foodstuff on the bread. It looked like clouds made edible, but heavier than candy floss and denser. Maybe it was like marshmallows?

                While he was pondering the nature of the food he was about to eat, Hanji had finished making his sandwich. Suddenly he found half the sandwich stuffed unceremoniously in his mouth and he spluttered, trying to back away.

                “You’re trying to feed him, not kill him, shit for brains,” Levi admonished. He set down the knife he had been using to meticulously make his own, perfectly balanced sandwich (100% _sans_ fluff), and came to Eren’s aid. He gave Hanji a not so gentle shove out of Eren’s personal space and handed him a plate to put the sandwich on so that he wasn’t left choking on it. A glass of milk magically appeared on the counter next to him and Eren downed it gratefully, washing away the sticky mass in his mouth and throat.

                “Do you like it!?” Hanji asked eagerly. Eren looked at her incredulously.

                “I don’t know. I couldn’t really taste it when it was shoved down my throat.” He tried to keep the venom out of his voice, but really. Enthusiasm is acceptable but it needed limits.

                “Don’t be a baby. It was just a sandwich. Try another bite!” Eren rolled his eyes in time with Levi, but he took another, much smaller and more civilized bite of the sandwich. It was...good. Surprisingly so. The fluff was sweet and blended nicely with the bread and the peanut butter. It was too sweet to eat all the time, but it was delicious nonetheless. He hummed in appreciation and swallowed thickly. Hanji was watching him like he was some dog about to do a trick, but all he could see was Levi watching him from the corner of his eye. Levi was turned away, pretending to be disinterested, but it was obvious that he wanted to know if Eren liked it too. That knowledge slid down Eren’s throat sweeter than the sandwich and settled in his stomach like bubbles, fizzing and bursting in a bizarre, happy dance.

                Eren cleared his throat. “It’s good,” he said anticlimactically. “It’s really good, actually.”

                “I told you!” Hanji exclaimed. “Now I just need to make one for myself and then we can talk more about those awesome wings of yours!”

                Eren thought they had already exhausted the topic, but Hanji seemed determined to continue until she had some answers. Not that she was going to get any, since Eren didn’t have the slightest clue how he had woken up a few days ago as a ─ what was it she called him? A mutant. He shuddered at the term. Mutant meant inhuman. It meant monster. His thoughts began to spiral in the pattern that had become all too familiar of late and he stared at his half eaten sandwich, disgusted with himself, until the three of them moved to the dining room table to finish their meal.

                Levi caught his eye as they were sitting down and Eren was taken aback at the level of concern he saw in them. He wondered if Levi had always shone this type of emotion in his eyes and he just hadn’t noticed it until now. Eren gave him a small smile to reassure him that he was alright. Levi didn’t seem convinced, but he just pulled his sandwich closer to him and turned away. A second later the impassiveness was back, his eyes cold grey steel, and Eren wondered if he had imagined the moment.

                “So, Eren,” Hanji started, her mouth full, making it sound more like “’o, ehwen”. Levi made a disgusted face at her and pointedly put down his sandwich. She grinned at him through layers of bread and filling, causing him to pretend to gag. She swallowed before continuing, her focus back on Eren.  “I know you said that you don’t know how this happened, but can you think of _anything_ that might have caused it? Exposure to radioactive substances? Strange family lines? Seriously nothing is going to sound crazy to me.”

                Eren fought the urge to laugh at that. Still, he found himself saying what had been on his mind for a while now. “Well, I did have some weird dreams right around the time I got my wings,” he began hesitantly. Levi glanced up at him. This was something he hadn’t told him, or anyone else. “The first one was just a typical nightmare, I guess, but I was drowning in black feathers. That was the night that they grew, or whatever, and I was in pain the whole dream. The pain felt really real, like my back was splitting open.” He shrugged off the memory before continuing. “Then I had a dream that...well. It was strange. I dreamed that my dad was standing over me with a needle. I was much younger and...we were in the basement. Which is weird because I’m not allowed to go down there since it’s my dad’s private research lab. I tried to stop him, but he gave me the shot anyway. Then I woke up.”

                He made the dream sound a lot simpler than it was, not wanting to sound insane, but the truth was that the dream had been plaguing his mind ever since he’d had it. The terror he’d felt, the sharp sting of thin metal sliding beneath skin, the jolt of icy liquid being forced into his veins, the single tear falling down his father face, all of it felt so real. It was disturbing and he wished he could dispel the quiet, persistent voice in the back of his head that said the scenario was not implausible. In fact, it would explain quite a few things. But no matter how angry he was at his father, no matter how disappointed, he just couldn’t believe that his father would do something like that to him. He just wouldn’t.

                “Your father did this to you! So it is artificial. I knew it!” Hanji looked far too happy for just having heard the most devastating theory Eren had ever considered.

                “No! No, he couldn’t have. He wouldn’t. It was just a dream.” Eren was desperate to believe that he was right. He couldn’t face the other possibility. At least not with his sanity intact.

                “But it makes sense!” Hanji protested. “You said he has a research lab in the basement, right? What if he’s researching human-animal hybrids? What if he wanted to actually test it out on a human? You would be the perfect candidate! It all makes sense!”

                There it was. The nagging, untouchable suspicion from the darkest recesses of his mind exclaimed in the high voice of a wanna-be mad scientist. Eren felt sick. He was pretty sure he was going to lose the sandwich he just ate in the most unpleasant way possible. He stood up from the table roughly and excused himself, ignoring the renewed concern in Levi’s eyes. He stumbled off to the bathroom, the location of which he fortunately knew since he had visited it last time he was here. He pulled his wings into the small room after him and shut the door, breathing heavily.

                Hanji was right. It _did_ make a lot of sense. But it also made no sense at all. Why would his father do that to him? Animal-human hybrids? It was ridiculous and he didn’t even know why he was considering it, but this whole situation was ridiculous and unbelievable. The more he thought about it, the more he could see the potential truth of the horrible theory and the more his stomach roiled and begged to violently empty itself. He considered the fact that neither Mikasa nor his father had heard him that night while his wings were growing in. He was convinced that the pain he thought had only been in his dream had been real. He definitely would have screamed and Mikasa would have been through that door like a hurricane, ready to fight off robbers, demons, nightmares, and any other manner of threat. But it had been silent and he had spent the whole night alone. Hadn’t he? Memories of that night forced their way to the front of his mind and he remembered the dream, drowning in sharp quilled feathers, thrashing and yelling. He remembered that there were remarkably few loose feathers around his room in the morning. He remembered yanking off his sweatshirt, tossing it and his t-shirt across the room.

                He remembered a dark shape in the corner of his room, watching him as he settled back into fitful sleep.

                Eren fell to his knees and vomited into the toilet, barely putting his face over the porcelain bowl in time. Peanut butter and fluff did not taste as good the second time around. When his stomach was empty, he leaned weakly against the wall and focused on breathing. He hated the acidic taste on the back of his tongue, the sharp acidic smell in his nose, but mostly he hated the fact that he knew, the way one knew that the earth was solid and that their heart was beating, that it was his father who did this to him. His brain still scrambled to defend him, saying that he must have had a good reason, that Levi was right when he said this wasn’t the curse he thought it was, but those tiny thoughts were drowned in the maelstrom of ‘oh my god, my father did this to me’, ‘oh my god, Grisha stabbed me with a needle full of unknown freaky mutant juice’, ‘holy fuck I am a science experiment’. He was spiralling again, harder than ever, and he felt dizzy. There was a roaring in his ears and the edges of his vision started to go black.

                _Shit,_ he thought dully, _I’m passing out again. I need to stop doing that._ He slipped under to the sound of cautious knocking at the door.


	14. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things happen in the darkest of times.  
> a.k.a Marvel + vodka + Hanji = fun times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuses for how late this is. Please don't hate me. *hides*

                When Eren woke up, the scene was disconcertingly familiar. Levi was leaning over him, placing a cool cloth on his forehead while Hanji was kneeling on the floor beside him with a worried look on her face. Except this time, Eren felt something soft under his back rather than the hard floor. Miraculously, he was laying on the couch and the noticeable lack of pain in his head meant he hadn’t hurt himself when he passed out this time. There was no fuzziness as he remembered exactly what had happened and he squeezed his eyes shut at the memory of his little epiphany. Ignorance was truly bliss.

                “Hey, kid,” Levi said quietly, noticing that Eren was conscious. “You need to stop scaring the shit out of me like that.”

                Eren managed a small smile at the false bite in Levi’s voice. “Sorry.” He opened his eyes and addressed the concerned grey eyes above his face, “I swear I’m not usually an eighteenth century lady who faints all the time.”

                Hanji snorted a laugh and visibly relaxed. Levi just smirked at him and smacked his arm with a little more force than strictly necessary. “You better not be.” Levi seemed relieved by Eren’s humour, though, and he leaned back to rest on his heels. Eren noticed that he was kneeling as well and it occurred to him that he didn’t know how he had gotten to the couch.

                “Did you carry me here?” Eren asked, incredulous. He knew he wasn’t the largest guy, but Levi was small and it had no doubt been difficult to drag Eren’s ass out of the bathroom to the living room.

                “Yeah, and you better be grateful too, shitty brat. You weigh five tons. Luckily you didn’t lock the door or else I’d have had to break it down. It would have been pretty awkward if all you were doing was taking a shit though.”

                Eren rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help but feel warm at the unspoken concern. Levi had been willing to break down the door on the possibility of Eren needing help. Eren fervently hoped that his red cheeks would be explained away by his recent trip to the land of the unconscious. “Thanks,” he said simply.

                “Tch,” Levi shrugged, looking away.

                “I’m sorry for what I said,” Hanji said suddenly. Eren turned his attention to her, frowning. He knew she thought he was angry at her, but he truly wasn’t. In fact, there was a part of him that was grateful to her for pushing him to realise the truth. (He tried to remind himself that he had no actual proof that this was the truth, but the haunting certainty in his gut was enough to convince him that it was.)

                “No, don’t be sorry. I just didn’t want to hear it. But...I think you were right. I think...I think it was my dad.” The last sentence was barely a whisper, but Levi and Hanji were both looking at him with wide eyes. He suddenly couldn’t look at either of them, instead focusing his attention on the tip of his wing which was draped over the floor between them. He struggled with his next words, wishing with all his being that he didn’t have to say them.

                “I remembered. When you said that. I remembered what he did.” The air itself seemed to still at his words and Levi was like a rock next to him. Not even Hanji breathed as Eren slowly filled his traitorous lungs. Acidic tears stung the back of his eyes and he begged them not to fall as he shakily continued, “I...I thought it was a dream or something. I don’t know. But I remember...a-a needle...and I remember him being there that night when, when my wings grew. I just don’t understand _why_. How could he do this to me? Why?”

                The tears he had fought against so hard finally escaped and Levi’s hand grasped his, anchoring him. Eren shifted his gaze to the ceiling and strangled a sob. “I’m sorry,” he apologised again. “I just -.”

                “Eren,” Levi interrupted sternly. “Stop fucking apologising. Anyone would be a mess right now. You have a right to be upset.”

                Eren finally looked over at him. He nodded once to show that he had heard him, but that didn’t mean Eren didn’t still feel weak for constantly crying and passing out lately. Maybe he really was turning into an eighteenth century woman. _It wasn’t like that would be the strangest thing to happen to me lately_ , he thought bitterly. With a sigh, Eren pushed himself to a sitting position and reluctantly pulled his hand from Levi’s so that he could scrub at his face to erase the tears and lingering fuzziness of unconsciousness.

                “I know you don’t think so right now, Eren,” Hanji said quietly, “but you’re wings are really awesome. Like, once-in-a-billion-years-miracle awesome. Awesome in the truest meaning of the word.”

                Eren huffed a small laugh. “Yeah, I get it, Hanji.” But he was smiling now and he was grateful to her. The fact that both of them were being so kind about the situation, so caring and understanding, allowed him to finally swallow his tears and return his breathing to normal.

                “I mean, even if your dad is the asshole king of all assholes, at least you are the most unique and fascinating person anyone has ever met ever. Gotta look at the bright side, Wings.”

                Eren winced at the remark about his dad, but rolled his eyes at his new nickname. “Seriously?” he whined. “Wings? That’s what you’re going to call me?”

                “It’s either that or Bright Eyes,” she responded seriously. “That one is Levi’s idea though so I can’t claim credit for it.”

                Eren cursed the blood that rushed to his face once again. “Bright Eyes?” he addressed Levi, who shrugged, his face impassive. Only his eyes gave any hint that he was uncomfortable.

                “Yeah. So what? Have you seen your eyes?” Levi stood up and started collecting the cold washcloths they had used on Eren. Before Eren had a chance to respond, he was already gone to put the clothes in the washer and, from the sound of it, put in a whole load of towels while he was at it.

                Hanji poked him in the thigh. “Aw, isn’t wittle-wevi so cute! He starts cleaning whenever he gets upset or embarrassed. Oh I could just scoop him up and hug him.”

                Eren was pretty sure that if she did that, she would find herself without arms. And possibly dead in a ditch somewhere. But Eren didn’t mention that as he leaned his head back against the couch and let out a slow breath through his nose.

                He allowed himself a moment to relax while he listened to the sound of Levi moving around while Hanji followed like a small, inquisitive child. She pestered him with random questions and theories, talking his ear off until he finally snapped at her to shut up. Eren smiled absently at their antics, but his mind was elsewhere. If his dad had done this to him, why hadn’t he kept Eren a secret? Why would he risk someone finding out about him by accident? It didn’t make sense. It seemed far too dangerous to let him traverse this situation on his own. And if his father had truly been there that night, why had he left on some business trip? What could be so important that he would leave the results of his experiment thousands of miles away from him, unprotected and unmonitored?

                Eren’s gasp filled the empty living room. How had he not realised before? The news the other day with the black winged creature who was whisked off to some government facility. Of course that was where his father had gone. How many of them were there? Had Mikasa been experimented on as well? Panic clawed its way up his throat and Eren’s breath started coming in short, shallow gasps. His hands shook and he pawed at his pocket for his cell phone.

                “Mikasa, oh my god, I’m so glad you answered.” Eren’s words blurred together in his desperation. That panic was still mounting and he was certain he was drowning.

                _“Eren, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Tell me where you are. I’ll be right there.”_

                “Mikasa, listen, it’s important. Dad never...he never...he never did anything to you, did he?”

                There was a pause. _“What are you talking about? No, he never ‘did anything’ to me. I don’t understand – wait.”_ That one word was filled with the gut wrenching horror that Eren himself had felt. _“You don’t mean. It was Grisha who did this? Eren, are you sure? Think about this for a second. This is the man who adopted me, who took care of you your whole life, who works every day to make sure we have enough. I know he hasn’t been the greatest parent lately, but that doesn’t mean-“_

Eren wasn’t really listening to her. He was too busy recovering his breath, watching the blackness fade from the edges of his vision. Mikasa was fine. Of course she was fine, she’s always fine, she’s invincible. Eren focused on drawing air into his lungs in deep, relieving gulps. Tears escaped his eyes and slid down his cheeks as he drew his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead against his legs.

                “Thank god. I’m just glad that you’re okay, Mikasa. I’ll explain everything later, okay? I love you.”

                Mikasa huffed, immediately realising that he hadn’t really been paying attention to her, but easily returned his statement of affection and agreed to wait until he got home to explain everything. In the background, Eren heard a bell ring and he remembered belatedly that she was at school and had probably left class early to talk to him. Guilt twisted his mouth into a grimace, but it was too late to do anything about it so he just hung up the phone after a repetition of his promise to explain himself later.

                “Eren?” Hanji’s concerned voice make him lift his head from his knees. She was standing there with a bowl of popcorn and a copy of The Avengers, her face a mask of worry and kindness. Behind her Levi stepped into the room with a bottle of vodka, a two litre of Sprite, and orange juice.

                “I’m fine,” he assured her, smiling to prove his point. Levi examined his face and apparently deemed that Eren was in no immediate danger of passing out again. He placed the drink items on the coffee table and arranged three cups in a neat row.

                “Screwdrivers. I figured alcohol might be appreciated at the moment.”

                Eren nodded fervently. Alcohol would most definitely be appreciated. He couldn’t say he’d ever had a screwdriver before – usually he just took straight shots – but he was willing to try anything once.

                “And it’s never a bad time for the Avengers!” Hanji added cheerfully, clearly having moved on from her worry. “Chris Evans has the nicest ass to ever grace this earth. And Scarlett Johansson? She is the most badass lady on the planet. This movie is a gift to mankind.”

                “I can’t argue with that,” Eren admitted.

                “Which reminds me!” Hanji exclaimed, leaping onto the couch next to him, spilling popcorn with abandon. “Levi-I mean, _I’ve_ been just _dying_ to know. Are you more of a Chris Evan’s ass kind of guy, or a Scarlett Johansson’s ass kind of guy?”

                “Um,” Eren stalled. He knew exactly what she was asking and, while his sexuality wasn’t exactly a secret, it was also jarring to be asked to suddenly and in such a strange way. But then, that was Hanji to a T. “I mean...I guess I’m more of a Chris Evan’s fan but uh, he’s, he’s not really my type?” Eren felt his blush spread from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Levi continue pouring the drinks, apparently unfazed by his current discomfort.

                “I knew it!” Hanji slapped Eren’s knee in triumph. She settled onto the couch more like a normal human being and placed the bowl of popcorn in the space between them. “Begin the movie, Levi!”

                Levi grumbled slightly at her demand, but took the movie and put it in the DVD player. While they waited for it to get to the home screen, Levi passed the two of them their drinks and took his seat on the arm chair beside Eren. The large chair swallowed his small form until he looked no bigger than a child pretending at being adult. The only thing that dispelled this image was the alcoholic drink in his hand and the serious grey eyes that could never belong to a child.

                “Hey, Hanji,” Eren whispered conspiratorially, “he looks pretty cute in that chair doesn’t he?”

                Hanji’s booming laugh ruined any attempt to keep his remark from Levi’s notice and Eren momentarily feared for his life when Levi turned to glare at him. Eren gulped, but held his stare with a bashful smile, hoping that Levi would understand that it was all in good fun.

                Finally Levi broke away with a ‘tch’ and forcefully pressed ‘play’ on the movie. “What did I tell you about calling me cute, shitty brat? Next time that word comes out of your mouth I’ll prove to you just how wrong you are.”

                Because he was a little shit, Eren decided that sass was the way to go in this situation. “I thought it was ‘adorable’ that I couldn’t call you?”

                Levi’s eyebrow twitched. “That either. Now shut the fuck up, drink your vodka, and watch this goddamn movie.”

                “Aw, baby Levi’s grumpy! You’re so much fun when you’re grumpy!”

                Levi didn’t turn from the screen, nor did he deign to respond to Hanji’s taunt, but his lower eyelid was twitching with the obvious effort to keep himself from harming the two of them on the couch. Suddenly, in synch, both Eren and Hanji began to laugh.

                “All right, all right,” Eren said eventually, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “No more teasing Levi. Let’s just watch the movie.”

                Hanji’s laugh slowed to a stop and she nodded in agreement. She nuzzled into Eren’s side, pulling his wing over her like a blanket, and pulled her feet up to rest comfortably underneath her. Eren wasn’t sure how to feel about the violation of space at first, but all at once he relaxed, content. Her willingness to use him as both a pillow and a blanket was actually the highest form of acceptance he could have ever asked for. All his fears of being rejected or terrified of or hated were dispelled by the soft puff of breath on his shoulder and the cold toes digging into his feathers for warmth.

                The next few hours were spent watching The Avengers and then Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Hanji and Levi bickering over headcanons – Eren occasionally joining the fray –, and the copious consumption of vodka and junk food. By the time Eren noticed it was dark outside, he was feeling more relaxed and contented that he had ever thought possible, not since he’d grown these wings. He could feel his worry and confusion and sense of betrayal in the back of his mind like an open, oozing wound, but for now it was bandaged and the pain drowned in booze and companionship so informal and pure that Eren couldn’t even imagine feeling anything other than happy at the moment.

                When Mikasa pulled up in the driveway (after a somewhat slurred conversation with her about the inability of anyone present to drive home safely), Hanji draped herself over him in a hug and squeezed until he thought she might have cracked a rib or two. As she stepped back she let her fingers trail along the edges of his wings and smiled broadly.

                “Thank you, Eren. You have truly given me a gift today.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “You trusted me enough to tell me about your wings. That means a lot. Thank you.”

                Eren didn’t know what to say. He had been hesitant to tell her, of course, but now that she knew he couldn’t imagine why he’d been so afraid. He could only nod and give her a small smile in return.

                Levi stepped forward, but unlike Hanji, he kept his distance from Eren. “I don’t do hugs, but yeah. Thanks for coming today. I hope it helped.”

                Eren smiled fondly at him. “Yeah, you don’t really strike me as the hugging type. But yeah, it helped. Thanks a lot, Levi.”

                Levi shrugged, his face stone, but the barest hint of pink across his cheeks betrayed how much Eren’s words meant to him. In a brazen moment of drunken stupidity, Eren leaned forward and kissed the touch of colour on Levi’s cheek before he darted out the door to Mikasa’s idling car.

                Eren threw himself into the passenger side seat, his face flushed, and told Mikasa to go. He couldn’t bring himself to look back at the door which had been left open in his haste, but if he had he would have seen Levi standing in frozen shock, his fingers lightly touching the spot where he’d kissed him, the pink darker than before.


	15. This Thing Called Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi freaks out to Hanji about his crush on Eren. Eren freaks out to Mikasa about his crush on Levi. Basically they're both just babies trying to figure out this thing called love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, the good news: I have not been sucked into a black hole. Bad news: I suck at life. In all capacities. Like seriously.  
> Anyway, here's a short, filler chapter until I can sit down and actually focus on this thing.



                “Oh my god.”

                “Hanji, calm down. It wasn’t a big deal.” Levi turned on his heel and shoved his way past her into the house, his expression neutral. Inside his chest he could feel his heart fluttering like he was going to go into goddamn cardiac arrest, but he’d be damned if he let on how much he was affected.

                “Oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD.”

                “You know, one of these days God is going to descend from Heaven and smite you for all the times you take his name in vain.”

                “But this is _important_. He would forgive me for this. HE KISSED YOU!” This last part was screamed practically in his ear as Hanji scooped him up in a rather unexpected – though, in retrospect, entirely predictable – bear hug.

                “Oof,” Levi wheezed. “Get off me, fucking crazy woman.” He wriggled and fought before finally elbowing her in the solar plexus with enough force to make her drop him and clutch her middle, though not quite enough force to dim the bright, delighted light in her eyes nor stop her from grinning like the mad Cheshire cat.

                Once she recovered her breath, Hanji danced and skipped in gleeful circles around the living room, singing loudly about how Levi was in “ _looove”_ and that he had a “ _booooyyyfriieend_ ”. It was all terribly annoying and it was exhausting just watching her, but Levi still couldn’t quite stop the very corners of his mouth from tipping up. He blamed it all on the booze of course, but it only spurred Hanji even further into euphoria of Levi’s apparent happiness.

                Suddenly Hanji leapt onto the couch and kneeled on one of the cushions, trembling with still-unspent energy. “Sit,” she demanded. “Tell me everything.”

                Levi rolled his eyes but he obediently sat on the opposite of the couch, pulling his legs up and facing his best friend. He stalled for a moment by straightening the leg of his pants, suddenly nervous to tell another person that he did, in fact, have a horrible crush on a certain winged green-eyed boy. But this was _Hanji_ and if he was going to tell anyone about this, it would be her. So he did. He told her about how he had first begun to notice things about Eren, about his hands and his eyes and his hair. He told her about how much she loved the fierceness of his affection for his friends, about how lean and beautiful he’d been that night under the light of the moon by the pond. He told her about how he’d basically attacked Eren in his shower and how he was pretty sure Eren thought that it was just lust he felt even though he desperately wished he could express his feelings like a normal human being instead of a robot.

                “But you’re not a normal human being, Levi,” Hanji protested at this, her voice soft and reassuring. Levi snorted.

                “Yeah, thanks.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, making him look even smaller than usual.

                “And neither is he,” she continued. “I’ve never seen you this way, Levi. I mean, you’ve liked people before, but this is...different. It’s cute.”

                Levi wrinkled his nose at her choice of words, but he couldn’t deny that she was right about this being different than any crush he’d ever had. He never went on about every detail about them or laid awake at night trying to figure out how to tell them he actually cared about them. He would toss and turn, thinking about how exactly he could convey the fact that he had cared about him for a while, long before he ever knew his secret. He was terrified that Eren would think he was only attracted to him because of his wings, or because of a shared secret, or because he was taking advantage of a vulnerable teenager. The more Levi thought about it the more he wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone until he no longer felt like absolute shit.

                He sighed and rested his chin on his knees. “Hanji, I don’t know what to do.”

                Hanji smiled, a rare, small smile of kindness and understanding, and took his hand in hers. “I think you just gave him a huge signal, don’t you think? Someone who only lusts after another person or doesn’t really care about them would not go out of their way to help them de-stress. And they wouldn’t blush whenever it was brought up,” she teased at the sight of his steadily reddening cheeks. “You don’t have to say it out loud for it to be obvious how you feel.”

                “Shut up,” he grumbled. He started organizing the mess on the coffee table, stacking the dirty cups and sweeping the popcorn kernels and crumbs into a bowl. He focused on his task until he no longer felt like digging a hole and dying in it and then finally turned back to Hanji, who was patiently waiting for him to recover himself.

                “I hate this,” he admitted.

                “Aw, sweetie,” she placed her hand over his and gave it a small squeeze. “I know it’s hard. But you just have to be honest. It’s obvious he likes you back – painfully obvious if we’re going with the whole truth thing right now – so now you just gotta talk to him. Openly. About feelings.”

                Levi cringed. He was awful at talking. He would much prefer to show how he felt through action, or better yet, just ignore emotions all together and hope they went away on their own like a cold. But he wanted the stupid kid to know how he felt. Why couldn’t clairvoyance have come with those wings of his? It would make this whole thing a lot easier. Then again, a know-it-all Eren would be insufferable. On second thought, Levi thanked the stars for Eren’s blessed ignorance.

                Levi sighed heavily, gathering the dirty dishes and carrying them to the kitchen. He immediately set to work washing them, desperately wracking his brain for a way out of this situation while simultaneously shying away from thinking about this topic at all. He wanted to bang his head into a wall. When had he turned into such a conflicted, love-struck fool? Was he fucking Romeo now? Should he go to Eren’s house and throw rocks at his window while singing about Eren’s eyes or some sappy shit like that? He could imagine _that_ going over well. He snorted to himself. He was being an idiot. He just needed to get over himself and talk to Eren. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like Eren’s big stupid eyes left him flustered or that the way he blushed at every little thing set a small flame ablaze in his chest or that the way Eren snuck glances at him when he thought he wasn’t looking made Levi feel like his heart might melt straight to his toes. No. It would be a piece of cake to tell that gorgeous, immature brat that he had a massive crush on him that may or may not have grown into l- no, not love. Of course it wasn’t love. It was just a schoolboy crush. No big deal.

                Thus reassured, and the dishes clean, Levi turned off the water and dried his hands. He reclaimed his seat in the living room and ordered Hanji to put in another movie and sat back to allow the excessive violence and colour to wash over him and drown out the remainder of his doubts. Hanji sensed that he had had enough of her teasing and went on to talk about a thousand other things with just as much passion as ever. Eventually he found himself smiling softly to himself, listening to her. Sometimes he found her exhausting and usually quite enervating, but he would always appreciate how much of herself she gave to everything she did. She was the most sincere, honest, straight-forward person he had ever met, the most valiant qualities in his opinion.  As she waxed poetic about the finer points of the quantum theories of time travel, he thought to himself, _I have chosen well._ He fell asleep to her voice, the lights from the television painting his dreams with bright reds and yellows, green eyes full of laughter waiting for him atop a distant hill.



                “Did you just kiss him?”

                Eren was touching his lips lightly, hardly daring to believe his own bravery. Or stupidity. His mind was a white blank of sheer disbelief that was slowly giving way to a powerful joy. He barely heard Mikasa’s question, but he managed to breathe a quiet, “I think so.” Then he was grinning, hard enough that he feared for his cheek muscles. He felt his wings quiver with the force of his happiness and knew that he was getting feathers all over the car but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had kissed Levi. He had kissed him before, of course, but this was different. This was sweet, it was meaningful. He had never been so bold, not like this. All the fear of showing how much he cared about Levi evaporated with the soft touch of his lips on Levi’s pink skin. Now hope was burning white hot in his chest, a tiny star that moved in next to his heart to melt it slowly, a delicious pain he could easily become addicted to.

“Don’t you think you’ve got enough going on in your life right now without having a boyfriend?” Mikasa cautioned after a few minutes of quiet driving. Eren was busy imagining future kisses with Levi and barely heard what she said.

“Huh?” Mikasa’s words filtered into Eren’s brain and grudgingly made sense of themselves. Eren crashed back to earth, his breath whooshing from his lungs. “I-I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

They pulled into the driveway, the thick snow swallowing the tires, and Mikasa cut the engine. The momentary silence was deafening.

“I know. But I think you should think about this before jumping into anything.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and twisted to look at him. Eren’s mind was in overdrive. Of course she was right. His life was a mess; it was a disaster of epic, Spanish-soap opera, drunken science-fiction proportions. How could he fit a boyfriend into such a life? How could he ask Levi to be a part of this...this madness? It wasn’t fair to him. Eren searched his sister’s eyes for answers, painfully aware of reality after his previous euphoria. “I’m just trying to look out for you, Eren. I didn’t say that to hurt you.”

“No, I know,” he assured her. “I’m not...you didn’t hurt me. I just...I really like him, Mikasa. Like really like him. Like I-have-recently-turned-into-an-obsessed-schoolgirl like him. And I know that my life is crazy right now – trust me, I know – but maybe...maybe that’s why it’s a good thing. Maybe this is the perfect time. Maybe he’s exactly what I need right now.”

Something unidentifiable passed over Mikasa’s eyes and the corner of her mouth turned down in a crooked frown. The look was gone so fast that Eren was sure he imagined it because a second later she was smiling. It was just a small, Mikasa smile, but it was soft and warm and full of a pure love that made the world seem a little bit more in order. He smiled back and together they went into the house and prepared to go their separate ways for bed. This time though, Mikasa paused in the hallway to kiss Eren on the forehead like his mother used to all those years ago. Tears sprang to his eyes at the likeness and he struggled against the lump in his throat as he croaked out a tiny ‘goodnight’.

“Goodnight, Eren,” Mikasa said. He watched her until her bedroom door closed behind her before gathering his wings around him and slowly walking to his own room. He lay in bed for a long time that night, staring at the ceiling and remembering the exact shape of Levi’s lips, the sound of his laugh, every detail of the day spent with him and Hanji. He couldn’t imagine being more in love with a person.

Just as he was about to close his eyes, the shadow in the corner of the room shifted and Eren sat bolt upright in his bed. His heart hammered in his chest, spiking his blood with adrenaline. His wings rose instinctively and he tried to find his voice. Before he could cry out, a gloved hand was over his mouth and there was the sharp bite of a needle in his neck. His vision swam and his limbs numbly refused to respond. He was dragged  into unconsciousness like a drowning man tied with an iron chain, clawing at dark water. At last he was aware of nothing.


	16. Caged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren wakes up in the lab as Mikasa and Levi discover he's missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY WROTE A CHAPTER!! It's only been about ten years. Sorry guys.

                Strange shapes and colours blended and morphed behind Eren’s eyelids. Green blobs hurried by with pink hands, purple tables melted and reformed, the whole room spun yellow and orange. He groaned, squeezing his eyelids tighter, and wishing it would just _stop_. The pain in his head was nauseating. Slowly the colours faded to white and he was able to open his eyes to the inundating flood of light. He blinked, stirring cautiously. Every inch of him felt bruised and sore, like he’d been on the extreme losing side of a fight. He did a quick inventory of his limbs, wiggling toes and fingers, touching ribs. Nothing seemed to be broken so far as he could tell and he didn’t think there were any external injuries, only soreness and whatever the hell was still finding its way out of his blood stream.

                “Doctor,” a young male voice said from discomfortingly close, “he’s awake.” It was the ominous tone of this announcement which finally released a draught of adrenaline into his body to wash out the rest of the toxin. He blinked again and clearly saw where he was: a science lab. It was as sterile and cold as one would expect, all silver tables and white counters. Several machines were whirring away at their jobs, relieving Eren of the suspicion that the buzzing was just from a concussion. The most noticeable thing, however, was the metal mesh in front of his face. And to either side. And above him. The only solid place was the smooth metal bottom of the cage. Eren felt panic rise quickly then, his hands reaching out uselessly to either wall, pushing feebly and whimpering.

                 “Eren. Eren, calm down,” his father’s voice was languid, unworried, almost impatient. “Please stop it, Eren, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

                Panic was replaced by anger before he had even finished his sentence. Eren looked up at him through his prison, his eyes brimming with so much hate he was afraid he might shed tears.

                “No.” His voice was weak on his first attempt and his tongue too thick. “No,” he tried again. “I will not stop. Not until you let me out of here. Not until you explain what’s going on. Let me out!” He rattled the cage. “Let me out! Tell me why you’re doing this to me, you bastard! Let me out!” His voice had risen to a shrill scream and the words seemed to tear from his throat, setting fire behind them. He coughed roughly, hating how weak he was right now.

                “I know, son, I know you want answers –“

                “Don’t call me that! Not now.” Eren struggled to his knees, his wings getting in the way in the small space. The ground was littered with black feathers.

                Grisha looked at him with profound sadness, a crack in the fierce veneer he wore. “Knock him out,” he ordered one of the orderlies standing by, clipboard in hand. The young man hurried to respond, hastily depositing the clipboard on a table and picking up a needle that had already been prepared.

                As he came closer, Eren backed away, his wings crushing against his back as he found the back wall of the cage. He was prepared to fight, to kick the orderly in the face and throw himself out of the cage. At least when he was free, he would be able to move and perhaps find a way to get out of here. But his father was smarter than that. Just as the orderly seemed to be about to open the cage door, his father opened a side door Eren hadn’t noticed and stabbed a needle into his arm. Eren lashed out, striking at his father with feet, fist, and wing, but missing every time. The coloured shapes came back and his limbs filled with lead, getting heavier and heavier until he collapsed in a heap, unconscious.

                “Oh, Eren,” Grisha murmured, “I am so sorry.”

 

                “Have you seen Eren?” Levi shifted the phone to his other ear to avoid Hanji, who was trying to press her face as close as possible so as to hear his conversation.

                “What? I’m sorry. Hanji, I swear to god.” He swatted at her and tried to focus on what Mikasa was saying.

                “I need to you answer me right now, Levi, or I will find you and kick your ass. Where is my brother? Did he go back to your place last night?”

                “No, he didn’t. And I don’t like you accusing me of –” he broke off when she abruptly ended the call. At first he was tempted to brush off the strange early morning call, but he knew well enough that Mikasa did not get this anxious without cause. Was Eren missing? Despite himself he felt worry build in his stomach and he feared that Mikasa might actually have cause to be so anxious. Eren was dealing with so much and Levi knew that in his position he would want to escape, just fly away and never look back. Maybe he just needed to get away for a minute, clear his head before school. Eren had been so weak lately, losing weight, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, passing out all the time. He couldn’t be allowed to just roam about on his own. The kid was like a two year old; leave him alone for two seconds and suddenly he’d be in mortal peril.

                “Hey, Hanj, I’ll catch up with you, okay?”

                “Is Eren okay?” Hanji was no longer dancing around him madly, trying to get at the phone. She had heard how serious Mikasa sounded and had instantly backed off.

                “I don’t know,” he said honestly, biting his lower lip. “I’m just going to go check one place he might be and then I’ll meet you second period.”

                Hanji hugged him, which he rarely allowed but didn’t fight her this time. “I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just forgot to tell Mikasa where he was going, you know what that boy is like. You’re worrying for nothing.”

                “I’m not worried.”

                “Liar.”

                “Tch. Get to class, shitty glasses.”

                “Aye, aye, Captain.” She mock saluted him and grinned reassuringly before continuing on to school. He watched her for a small moment before turning back the way they had come.

                Levi half walked, half ran to the clearing where he had first seen Eren’s wings. He was starting to think of it as their place, which was dangerous and he really needed to stop that. He was certain that if Eren had gone anywhere without telling someone, it would be here. He kept the panic away with the knowledge that of course he was right, he knew Eren, better than almost anyone, and of course Eren would be there. He would probably be staring out over the pond, turning himself into a regular Walt Whitman with his whole “O me, o life,” routine. The thought of it brought a small smile to Levi’s face and he hurried faster.

                Except that when he ducked under the last branch and stepped into the clearing, it was empty. All that was there were the freshly fallen snow and the frozen pond. There were no footprints, no feathers, no Eren. Levi stood completely still, hardly breathing, hoping to see or hear some sign that he was wrong, that Eren was here. Then he turned and sprinted back to the school as fast as his legs would carry him.


End file.
